I started this site a long time ago, as a way to promote a radio show I was doing on KFI in Los Angeles. I took it offline for a few years while I ran Regretsy, and just put it back up again a few weeks ago.

In the process of getting this bastard up on its feet again, I’ve spent a lot of time combing through 13 year old posts, looking for things that might be fun to revisit.

Last night, I came across links to some particularly horrible Geocities vanity sites. If you were online in 2000, you remember the midi music and the bad gifs, and how generally horrible the internet looked. If you weren’t, there’s no way to show it to you, since these sites went offline years ago.

Or so I thought.

Last night, I decided to try The Wayback Machine to see if any of this stuff is cached, and believe it or not, some of this shit is still out there.

I’m only going to post two today as a sort of appetizer for the main event. I hope you take the time to explore them before someone realizes they’re still hosting this shit.

SASSY ANGEL KISSES

Sassy – her real name, by the way – has written over 500 poems.

Like this one:

“The greatest treasour on earth can’t been seen or touched. It has to be felt with the heart. Because the treasour is love.”

Yes, Sassy is a national treasour.

Sadly, there are only a few pages of poetry archived. I guess we’ll have to wait for the book on tape, which I like to imagine will be read by Shirley MacLaine.

BARRY AND TRISH

“We first met on Yahoo Chat on November 17, 1998. Barry had been going from room to room, just looking for someone to talk to. Barry and Trish chatted for awhile, and exchanged email addresses. They added each other to their friends list on Pager. They then went their separate ways, neither knowing what fate had in store for them.”

I don’t want to spoil the ending for you in case you never added someone to your friends list on Pager, but on January 5th, 1999, at 6:15AM Eastern Standard Time, Trish received an email advising her of a virtual flower delivery. Those virtual flowers would virtually change their lives for virtually ever.

But this isn’t just a love story. This site is a treasour trove of midi files and backgrounds, created by Barry himself. Probably while he was flying 34 hours to meet Trish for the first time.

AND NOW, THE MAIN EVENT

In February of 2000, Halle Berry ran a red light in a rented Chevy Blazer and crashed into another car on Sunset Boulevard. She suffered a gash to her head that required 20 stitches to close.

Which might explain this:

HALLEWOOD, THE OFFICIAL HALLE BERRY WEBSITE OF 2000

I’m going to go out on a limb and say this is the most fantastic thing I’ve seen in my adult life. There are beauty tips, workout videos, and a cringeworthy faux hip hop soundtrack that will make you cry. Not to mention the giggling voice overs provided by a pre-Oscar Berry (hover over the animated dog and Berry says “I’m Polly! Tee Hee!”).

And check out Halle’s closet:

I must insist you go to Hallewood right now. Click on everything you can, and lose the entire day digging through the most embarrassing chapter in Halle Berry’s life since Cloud Atlas.

I cannot put my love for The Wayback Machine into words. I’m adding it to my friends list on Pager, and with any luck, you’ll find the kind of happiness we have in the last 48 hours.