April Winchell

I have such a cold. Damn you, whoever gave this to me. Damn to all to hell, you damned dirty apes!

Oh sorry, had a little Charleton Heston flashback thing happening there.

Did I ever mention that Charleton Heston's ass was the first man ass I ever saw? Not in person, just in the Planet of the Apes. Oh I saw Charleton Heston's ass in person many years later, but that's another story and another bottle of Korbel.

No, that's all a lie.

But I do have an awful cold. So does my husband. It's a bad thing.

Let me ask you something.

Has your spouse or significant other ever had a cold, and after the third day, the sound of them coughing makes you want to hit them with a skillet? That's what we have going on over here. The problem is, I have a cold too, so he must be feeling the same way. We'll just have to see who makes it out of this house alive.

I also have a birthday looming on Friday, and that always cheers me up. Yes, to feel the icy, bony claw of death reach out with a piece of cake and a balloon. It's pure joy, really.

So I'm just trying to make the best of it here, blowing my nose and few remaining brain cells into wads of toilet paper, and thinking about how much Nyquil it's safe to drink. If only I had some paper umbrellas, this would really be a party.

Actually, I'm not as depressed as I sound. I'm not crazy about getting older, but I figure the alternative is a lot worse.

I'm also going to put a lot of energy into bettering myself next year. First of all, I'm going to start going to the gym. I won't actually do anything there, maybe just have a sandwich in my car or something. But the important thing is, I'll be able to say, "Oh, I just went to the gym". And I think that's the way to go.

Until then, I have a lot of drinking to do.

So let me wrap up this last entry of the year by thanking all of your for being there, yes, all of you, even the really crazy ones with the hate mail and the prayer cards, the ones who get upset and call the station when I say "poop" on the air, yes, even you.

Thank you for listening to the show every week, and coming to this web site, and understanding that all I ever want to do is make you laugh.

That's it. That's my agenda.

I want to take the sting out of things, punch holes in the bloated media gas bags who are asking for it, and find something funny in that which makes us most afraid. My mother always told me that that was the only way to survive.

And I'm still here. So she must be right.