April Winchell

I actually cooked last night.

I thought perhaps that was the nicest thing I could do for my husband on Valentine’s Day. You should see how happy it makes him. And the truth is, I’m a pretty good cook. I just choose not to. Which has to be the most frustrating thing in the world for him. It’s like being married to a porn star who always has a headache.

Anyway, I made prime rib, asparagus, Ceasar salad and baked tomatoes. We ate caviar and toasted each other by candlelight. Then we did what any normal married couple would do. We watched the men’s figure skating event.

Watching Tod Eldredge skate was just heartbreaking. They did this whole build-up before he skated about how this is his last time at the Olympics, and how he’s never been able to medal, and everything is on the line now. Then he comes out and falls on his ass within the first 8 seconds of his program. And you have to love that he was skating to music from Lord of the Rings. I thought he should have had custom skates built that looked like bare Hobbit feet with hair on them, but no one ever listens to me.

More importantly, we have to talk about Alexei Yagudin. Is it me, or is he the lost Baldwin?

And what the hell is with his outfits? He had a little sequined number on the other night, and I swear it was like something Rosalind Russell wore in the Women. Male ice skaters do not need to wear short little gloves like Lana Turner. It’s just plain wrong.

Evgeny Plushenko also has a few problems. He seems to have a penchant for painting fake ties and belts on his outfits. Now that may be all the rage in Chechnya, but it doesn’t fly in Park City, where we have real zippers.

But the first prority here is the haircut. It must be rethought, and must be rethought quickly. Because I’m telling you, he’s starting to look like Leelee Sobieski.