April Winchell

I read this letter on the air during the 9/21 show. I’ve had so many requests for it that I’m putting it up on the weblog for your reading pleasure.

Subject: Shatner: Parting Shots
Date: Fri, 20 Sep 2002 19:50:07 -0700
From: Linda M.
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

September 20, 2002

Dear April,

I am officially the dumbest person I know.

However, if you are sending someone even dumber than me to cover the William Shatner Lifetime Achievement Award at the Temecula Valley International Film and Music Festival this Saturday night, be sure to warn him (or her) about the $85 price tag for the “privilege” of seeing William BLOATED Shatner give a gassy, winded, self-congratulatory acceptance speech, replete with illusory appearances and overblown gestures of “connecting” with the audience.

I would love to know if any of Temecula’s sophisticated cosmopolitan residents in attendance think that seeing a swollen and distended Shatner receive an award (confirming what he’s always known about himself) is as exciting as opening a fresh can of corn?

Does he remind you of a tumescent blood sausage, engorged and bulging to the point of ripping at the seams…or is it just me?

And as an inflated, turgid luncheon meat, isn’t it ironic that he’s being honored in the same category as a hamburger (referring to next year’s honoree, Carl Karcher, founder of Carl’s Jr.)? It would almost be worth $85 just to hear him attempt to compare his career to the incomparable Famous Star Hamburger.

That kind of stress might be enough to send the fragile and yet still somehow always flatulent Shatner scurrying to the nearby Pachanga Casino Resort for the all-you-can-stuff-your-red-irritated-face-with-buffet, rationalizing how he ended up in an Indian reservation gaming establishment with a flunkie (like me) asking him low-brow questions such as, “Can you say ‘phat alien dope’ for April’s word list”?

No? OK. How about just the obvious then: “Can you explain yourself?” Or simply…”What happened?!”

Sincerely,

Linda M