April Winchell

Friday Brown Bag of Crap

Cross your legs kids, because here comes a steaming bag of Friday crap! A week's worth of garbage, saved in a comedy bucket under my desk, dished up with a side of corn.

What’s that smell? Why, it’s comedy!

The Appetizer

First, the highly fabulous Roger has spoiled us rotten this week. He is the giant brain behind April Winchell Bingo. How did we get so lucky?

I don't know. It’s not like he's ever gotten any compensation for his efforts (unless you count the Vincent Price cooking album I slipped him after the Anne Heche Monologues). He's just that way. And I don't mean that way, so just stop it.

As if that alone wasn't more then we deserve, Roger even edited the last two Mr. KABC shows for us, which are now uploaded for your dining and dancing pleasure. Find the March and April installments in the Archives.

Next, an unbelievably funny French commercial sent to me by two different longtime ex-listeners, Russell and Steve, proving that dysfunctional minds think alike.

Then, from longtime ex-listener and frequent contributor Drew, three new Abba covers in Hindi, performed by the glorious Salma and Sabina.

Pehli Pehli Preet (Super Trooper)
Kabhi Kahbi (Honey Honey)
Hai Ye Pyar Ghazab (The Name of the Game)

And finally, someone sent me an excellent addition to the "Terrifying Christian Music" section. Unfortunately I deleted the email so I can’t give them credit, but this is a track I will long cherish. Brothers and sisters, I implore you to listen to " The Rappin' Rabbit" (because "rappin' is a Christian habit").

The Entree

ASSORTED EMAIL

Subject: Golf
Date: Thu, 15 May 2003 22:26:40 -0700
From: Steve (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Do you play golf?

***

Subject: Have you see this?
Date: Tue, 6 May 2003 20:11:51 -0700
From: Marita (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Confused protestors

***

Subject: Tivo
Date: Thu, 15 May 2003 14:10:50 -0700
From: Stephanie (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Tivo has spoiled me. I now find myself wishing I could Tivo my conversations with people. That way I could go back and pay more attention to what they said at a later point, or just skip the boring parts.

***

Subject: Fruity Poo
Date: Date: Tue, 6 May 2003 15:09:18 -0400
From: Ben(REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

I have been listening to your archived show from January 02, and I laughed at your commentary on fruit scented bathroom deodorizers.

The landlord in our office building used to come up to our bathroom to take his daily explosive crap, and he always brought his own Glade . . . vanilla. So everytime he opened the door, the hallway smelled like Shit Cake.

***

Subject: Cannes
Date: Tue, 13 May 2003 19:10:08 -0700 (PDT)
From: Stuart (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

The Cannes opening ceremony has been running on IFC several times a day. Rumor has it that Nicole Kidman will murder Penelope Cruz with her Oscar, live for French TV. Then Tom Cruise is supposed to appear, steal Nicole’s Oscar and sodomize himself with it.At this point, the broadcast becomes Pay-Per-View.

***

And for Dessert . . .

Two jokes.

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me".

"This one's kind of strange…"

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well", she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies".

?"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in thebowl".

"Uh-huh".

"That night", she went on, "there were dimes. And this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me", she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits"!

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about . . .

. . . You're just going through the change".

– From Roseanne

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and says, "I've got another dress for you to clean".

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"Oh, no," she answers, "it's horseradish."

– From someone yesterday but I forgot who