April Winchell

Don't Fence Me In

I lost my windows yesterday.

They boarded them up from the outside, so this is what I look at now. It's nice, isn't it? Here's another view.

It's like that Tim Matheson movie. Eventually they'll just seal all the doors and windows, and I'll update the web log until I run out of air. Then CBS can make it into a TV movie. Maybe Delta Burke can play me. Or Joanna Kerns with a black wig.

Yesterday they poured the foundation. That was pretty gratifying, particularly since the whole process seems to be upsetting my drunken neighbor quite a bit. That's worth everything to me. I'd be willing to extend this process for another three years if it would lead to her being institutionalized.

They also brought in a big pile of lumber. This will someday be a bathroom. Well, technically, it's a bathroom now, since Woody pees on it every morning.

Actually, that's the worst part. Woody is having serious toilet trauma. He hasn't crapped in two days. He goes outside, someone makes a noise, he panics and runs back into the house where he farts for half an hour. Then the process begins again.

It's actually gotten to the point where everything stops when he comes outside. The whole crew just stops and waits for him to take a crap. It's so sad. We've starting calling him "Senor Nervioso".

This is the first day this week I could come in the office for any length of time. They've been taking the stucco off the house for two days. That could make you want to drink. A lot.

I just had a terrible thought. What if this actually does drive me to alcoholism, and I wind up having some sort of insight and compassion for my neighbor?

Oh, sometimes I crack myself up.