April Winchell

May 31st, 2003 · No Comments

Saturday Brown Bag of Crap

As you know, the Brown Bag of crap usually comes out on Friday. Since I've been holding this crap in for an extra day, it should be particularly pungent and delightful. Enjoy!

The Appetizer

If you heard me on Mr. KABC's show last night, you heard my big announcement. Of course, if you weren't listening, you're probably felling left out now. And really, you only have yourself to blame.

But I'll go ahead and tell you again, because I'm just that way.

Starting in June, I will be on Mr. KABC's show twice a month! That's right, the second and last Friday of the month. Or "Bi-monthly", as we like to say down at the Women's Studies building.

Listen for me in June on the 13th and the 27th. And remember, Mr. KABC has been moved up an hour, so the show will be on from 9:00 PM to midnight, which is just a much better deal all around.

Speaking of last night's show, I thought I would upload a few of the tracks I played for your listening pleasure.

First, a couple of weird ass covers.

You can never have too many Icelandic covers. So it's my pleasure to bring you the inexorable Bjork singing "Oh Mein Papa", or more accurately, "Pappi Minn". This track is courtesy of the lovely and talented Doug MacIntyre.

Another inexcusable cover is this rendition of "Far From The Home I Love", as interpreted by the glamorous Barry Sisters. I had never imagined the music of "Fiddler on the Roof" done with bongos, but it isn't half bad. More like three-quarters.

Next, the theme from The Mary Tyler Moore Show ("Love is All Around"), as imagined by Sammy Davis, Jr.. Every time I hear this, I am reminded of my sister Janet wondering if Sammy took his eye out at the end of the song and threw it up in the air.

Not a cover, but a horrible song I've tortured you with before. I have no idea who recorded this little ditty, but it will bring tears to your eyes, much like an old onion. Ladies and gentlemen, I present that age old question, "Why Doesn't Daddy Come Home"?

And last but not least, inspired by my recent trip to Madame Tussaud's in Las Vegas, Mohammed Ali taking credit for putting the crack in the Liberty Bell, but not in Marion Berry's hotel room.

Now, I had hoped to link to an online photo of Ali's replica at Madame Tussaud's, but I couldn't find one. Instead, I offer you this photo of a lesbian with a mullet taking a picture with Harrison Ford. I especially like the man in the background, picking his nose on the stairs.

Ah Vegas. It's all about the glamour.

The Entree

ASSORTED EMAIL

Subject: This Week in Entertainment
Date: Sat, 31 May 2003 01:11:13 -0700
From: Chris (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

I was looking through PageSix.com and came across 10 of the greatest photos I've seen all day. I'm guessing one of them could go in "This Week In Entertainment."

I'd give you a quote, but I'm just not funny. I'll leave the hard work up to you, seeing as you don't have any work, what with me passing by a Strouds store in Ventura and seeing a banner saying, "Store Closing!" in big black letters and all.

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Subject: Hey (Bank) Laaady!
Date: Wed, 28 May 2003 23:05:50 -0700 (PDT)
From: Scott(REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

What do you think of those Robby Benson commercials for Union Bank? That IS him, isn't it? At first I thought it was Hector Elizondo after a stroke. Or a guy who calls women and asks what they're wearing.

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Subject: You ask for blowjobs you get Perry Como
Date: Tue, 27 May 2003 19:52:55 EDT
From: Gnometree (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Okay, so I'm on AOL, and they're advertising the fact that you can search any image you want. So of course, being an April Winchell fan, I type in "blow jobs", thinking AOL is NOT going to show me blowjobs. And what do I get? This photo.

I kid you not. Try it yourself.

You see, April? If it wasn't for you, I'd be out in the real world getting a real job, rather than looking for blow jobs on the Internet. Is it any wonder I worship you?

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Subject: Giant singing straight-edge bumblebee. No, really
Date: Sun, 25 May 2003 22:04:14 -0400
From: Patrick(REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

You got a friend in Pennsylvania. Unfortunately, he's a giant fucking buzz-killing bee.

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Subject: More reasons to use condoms
Date: Wed, 28 May 2003 14:06:29 -0700
From: Kurt (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

I found this by accident. Doubtful that anything says it as well as the photo on the main page (although the extended torture of ten year's worth of holiday cards might be just right for slow learners).

Six people. All with the same initials. The alliteration when giving introductions must be numbing.

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Subject: Why farts are funny
Date: Tue, 20 May 2003 13:50:16 -0700
From: Joe (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

was listening to one of your old shows and heard you ask why farts are funny.

My theory: Farts sound like laughter. When you hear someone laughing, it's natural to want to laugh along with them (like at the movies).

So anyway, the next time you laugh at a fart, you're really laughing with the fart.

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