April Winchell

Saturday Brown Bag of Crap

Isn’t this exciting? I haven’t done a Bag of Crap in ages, so this one should be a real load!

What’s that smell? Why, it's comedy!

The Appetizer

My dog Woody has developed toilet stress. He's finding it increasingly difficult to take a crap in the backyard, due to the presence of construction workers and large piles of lumber on his favorite dumping spots.

To alleviate his frustration, he's taken to shitting in and on various objects around the yard. He backs up to paint buckets, hovers over tool boxes and generally engages in extremely creative excretion.

The contractor took a photo of one of Woody's latest efforts, and captioned it for me. It is with a mother's pride that I share it with you.

The Entree

ASSORTED EMAIL

Subject: Quincy Query
Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2003 15:49:13 EDT
From:Jill (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

I watched Quincy for the first and probably last time today. An hour was about 45 minutes too long.

I have a question stemming from this episode. There was an interview at a radio station. The host and guest were not wearing headphones, yet they were able to hear people who were calling in. Is this possible?

This incident was only the beginning; lame scriptwriting, horrible accents and Quincy's hairpiece. But the worst was Quincy's pronunciation of "swastika": swas-TEEE-ka. It almost makes me want to watch another episode, but I can't get sucked in to another "good show" as I'm already glued to Knot's Landing and Kojak.

Jill,

I’m so glad you brought this up. You’re of course refering to the episode Stolen Tears, featuring a bravura performance by Martin Balsam as a concentration camp survivor. Quincy’s pronounciation of "swastika" alone made me hit the rewind button 5 or 6 times.

It isn't possible to do a radio show without wearing headphones. You can't hear the callers, you can't hear the commercials, you can't hear the engineer. So while I don't understand why they weren't wearing them, I'm more confused as to why the engineer and the producer in the control room were.

But you know, once you go down this road, where do you stop? There are so many questions. Why does Quincy stand so close to Sam? Why do characters' names change in the middle of an episode? Why is the boom microphone visible in 75% of the shots?

No, sometimes it's better to just watch quietly and keep drinking.

- April

***

Subject: Dimensional warp Generator Needed
Date: Mon, 28 Jul 03 05:48:06 GMT
From: (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

I'm a time traveler stuck in 2003. Upon arrival, my dimensional warp generator stopped working. I trusted a company by the name of LLC Lasers to repair it, but they fled on me. I am going to need a new DWG unit, prefereably the rechargeable AMD wrist model with the GRC79 induction motor.

I will take whatever you have in stock, as long as it has received certification for carbon based life forms.

Please transport in a large brown paper bag to below coordinates on Monday July 28th at 3:00 EST:

23" inches from the South West Corner of Cummings Ave. & Village Street in Woburn, Mass, Latitude 42.4845467 & Longitude -71.1576157l. DO NOT TRANSPORT BY REGULAR MEANS OF TELEPORTATION. THEY ARE MONITORING AND WILL REDIRECT THE SIGNAL.

Thank You

***

Subject: Hello from The Hot Dog Hall Of Fame
Date:
From: (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

You have an excellent site and great taste in music ("Frankfurter Sandwiches" is one of our all-time faves and we love "Weenie Roast").

With Relish,

Uncle Frank

***

The Sorbet

Ping Pong

Celebrity Rants

A Tribute to Linda McCartney

And for Dessert . . .

A TRIFECTA OF PENIS STORIES

A flasher who exposed himself to a woman in Croatia was bitten in the testicles by her dog.

The 36-year-old from Zagreb dropped his trousers after spotting a woman in her front garden.

But when he put his penis through a hole in the woman's garden fence her dog, named Medo, pounced on him, Croat news agency Hina reports.

The man was taken to hospital where doctors said he had sustained injuries to his testicles. He was later arrested after admitting the cause of his injury.

- From Ananova

An Indian villager who once played drums with a travelling band of eunuchs has accused his former companions of drugging him and cutting off his penis, police said today.

"I was given tranquilisers in my food and once I fell unconscious crude surgery was carried out to remove my penis," said Sonu in a complaint filed yesterday.

He said he was taken south to Agra, home of the Taj Mahal, where he regained his senses and learned that his penis was missing.

Police are investigating the crime.

- From news.com.au

A 13-year-old boy whose bizarre ailment has fly-like insects emerging from his penis is far from being cured as doctors struggle to detect the source of the parasite.

Chandan Goswami, now receiving treatment at a hospital in West Bengal, is said to be suffering from a condition called myiasis, a disease seen mostly in Central and Latin America.

In myiasis, fly larvae invade a human or animal body, dead or alive. The deposited eggs can then enter the body through pores, the mucous membrane or even the mouth. The hatched larvae emerge from the host's skin and pupate.

However, in Chandan's case, whole flies complete with wings are emerging out of his body and flying off.

"This is very rare. We are trying to find out how the fly entered his body," says attending surgeon Sudhansu Pan.

Doctors carried out a cystoscopy to clear the boy's urinary tract, but the treatment has failed because two more flies emerged out of his penis on Monday.

Chandan told doctors he first felt pain in his abdomen almost a month ago, then he saw flies coming out of his penis. He told his parents, but they didn't believe him.

- From Yahoo