Friday Brown Bag of Crap
Cross your legs, here comes another brown bag of crap! All the bits and pieces of comedy offal collected for a week, stored under my desk in a bucket, and squeezed out onto this web site for your enjoyment!
Don't forget to wipe!
The Appetizer
My last posting about Alyssa Milano's beaver trail and Shannen Doherty's fucked up eyes elicited quite a response from you, the discerning public. I have selected two emails on opposite sides of the spectrum, to show you just how much free time you people seem to have.
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Subject: look at your own eyes and "beaver trail"
Date: Tue, 19 Aug 2003 23:36:34 -0700
From: (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com
What are you talking about regarding Shannon Doherty? Her eyes aren't "fucked up." Take a look at your OWN eyes! Some of those pictures of you on your website look insanely airbrushed, particularly on your jaw line, but you obviously think they look beautiful since they proliferate your website. And like we really want to see your foot with a ring on it. And take a look at your own "beaver trail," which is such a classy, tasteful description on your own part. Are you completely shaved and pristine? You had better be before you lash out at other actresses who actually have shows.
(I had no idea I had to be completely shaved before I could be critical of anyone on television. I feel like such a fool. Thank you for correcting my faux pas. I'm going to go lather up and take a crack at Oprah. — aw)
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Subject: Somebody hold meDate: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 10:34:43 -0500
From: (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com
First, let me say I LOVE your site!
Second, another person with "fucked up eyes" syndrome is Christy Turlington. Who, in my opinion, is worse than Shannon.
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The Entree
PENISES IN THE NEWS
MEXICO CITY - A construction worker was hospitalized on Tuesday after getting drunk and paying two boys to castrate him, according to officials at the Aguascalientes state attorney general's office.
The spokesman for the agency in the central Mexican state, Oscar Arredondo, said in a telephone interview that 50-year-old Ernesto Rodriguez Hernandez was drunk at a building site in Aguascalientes city on Sunday when he met two 11-year-old boys who had gone there to play.
He told them that he wanted to be "castrated to live more calmly" and because he had no wife, Arredondo said, then offered the boys money.
Arredondo said Rodriguez gave the boys $20 after they cut off one testicle with a razor he gave them.
The boys' parents notified police after the children told them where the money had come from. Rodriguez was taken to a hospital and the two boys were placed under court jurisdiction while officials investigate the case.
(Cancel my Ablondigas! — aw)
DURHAM, N.C. - Two Durham men face charges of malicious castration after being accused of shooting a third man in the groin. Xavier Dominique Johnson 26, and Robert Johnson, 24, both of Durham, were indicted Aug. 11 by a grand jury on a charge of malicious castration, according to court records.
Xavier Johnson was arrested Tuesday on the castration charge and on a charge of conspiracy to commit felony assault, according to police records.
Robert Johnson will face charges of kidnapping, assault with a deadly weapon inflicting serious injury and conspiracy, along with the castration charge, officials said.
Authorities say the men intentionally shot a male victim in the groin on April 20, permanently injuring him.
"They took another individual out and shot him, and the bullet struck the victim's penis," said Assistant District Attorney John Phillips, who is handling the case. "I think they intentionally shot him in the crotch area. Whether they meant to hit what they hit, I can't tell you. It's a pretty outrageous place to shoot somebody."
Both Johnsons are members of the Bloods gang, said Phillips, who said the victim was not a member of a rival gang. He said he couldn't say if he were a member of the Bloods.
The motive for the shooting is uncertain. If convicted, the men could face up to 19 years in prison, Phillips said.
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