April Winchell

September 10th, 2003 · No Comments

Massive Update

I have been so remiss in tending to this web site. I can only admit that I'm a parasite on the colon of the internet.

I just got back from a trip to San Francisco, where I sublimated my sexual frustrations by buying black suede knee boots. I had contemplated buying these as well, but a friend of mine rightly pointed out their Ringling Brothers quality, and I lost my erection.

But now I'm home, in the rubble of my remodeling, feeling just so damned good about everything. What better time to update this page, and share the joy?

Let's just jump into the old mail bag, and see what you've been saying in my absence.

Creme de la Mail

Subject: opening up a can of niwator
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 13:32:21 EDT
From: (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

You laugh at the Japanese cast of Les Miz, but I saw the prodction in Japan. Do you know who played the original Jean Valjean-san? None other than Kaga Takeshi, the "Chairman" of Iron Chef who wears Liberace's old underwear and eats yellow peppers.

Actually, he's a big musical star in Japan. A rap star. He actually calls it, "Jap Rap". I've also seen him in both parts of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and as Tony in West Side Story (you haven't lived until you've seen their version of "America").

I've attached a JPG of Kaga as Valjean in Les Miz, the album cover for Jap Rap, and the amazing ability to be BOTH the Doctor and the Mister in that other musical.

As Lana Turner once said "now you have everything you never wanted".

***

Subject: Japanese Les Miz
Date: Sun, 31 Aug 2003 02:58:32 EDT
From: (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Just thought you might like to know what that poster says. Well, the parts that are big enough for me to read and are amusing, anyway. I'm not kidding, by the way; this is what the top three lines say:

1) With a new cast, it's "Les Miserables" for the 21st century!
2) This is the shining of adolescence, the Bible of youth
3) This musical will change your life!!

I'm pretty sure that's the word "change" in the third line, but it's hard to make out, so it might do something else to your life.

***

Subject: Urban Dictionary
Date: Mon, 01 Sep 2003 19:37:31 -0700
From: (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Did you know you made it to the Urban Dictionary?

***

Subject: I can't belive that you would actually . . .
Date: Fri, 22 Aug 2003 19:35:40 -0700
From: (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com . . . put a link to a man in diapers crapping himself on your website.

I also can't belive that I watched it and I forwarded it to all my friends.

I am sending this photo for revenge.

***

Subject: Insurance ad
Date: Thu, 4 Sep 2003 08:53:29 -0700
From: (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

My husband and myself were watching TV, when we saw a commercial for an insurance company targeting Postal workers. However, what caught our attention was when they mentioned it was"Open Season" for enrollment in November.

I'm not sure if Postal Worker and Open Season should be used in the same sentence.

P.S. I saw Edward Albert, Jr. buying cookies at the Gelson's on Laurel Canyon. Apricot and Chocolate were among the choices. I was sure it was him because when he opened is wallet he had a big vanity detective shield with his name on it.

***

Subject: You're The Only Woman I'd Trust w/Her Finger On The Button
Date: Thu, 04 Sep 2003 10:27:42 -0700
From: (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Just another periodic note of support to remind you just how much ass you kick. Especially entertaining was when you told Mr. KABC that the shirt he was wearing made him not deserving of any human decency.

You're so tuff as nails, you sometimes make Margaret Thatcher look like Bjork. I think you'd be entertaining in Professional Wrestling as an evil manager.

***

Where am I?

That's an excellent question.

Mr. KABC wrote to say he would be taking this Friday off, so I will not be on. His replacement for the night is Dick Riordan, with whom I would have very little to talk about, except possibly his ownership of The Pantry Restaurant, and what exactly it is that he advertises as "steak".

I will be back with him on September 26th.

Also, I will be back doing BINGO at The Parlour with the adorable Baron Von Bingo on Monday, September 22nd. I may even wear the black boots. You just never know with me, because I'm wacky as hell.

Come down, for God's sake. What the hell else do you have to do on a Monday night? It's from 7:00 - 10:00, so you'll be home in time for Hal Fishman's editorial.

Don't forget the $3 martinis, which are just begging to be sucked down. Much like everyone else in that part of town.

I'm just saying.