Friday Brown Bag of Crap
It's Friday, and that means another sloppy helping of comedy-by-product!
This is where I take all the lips, hooves and other unusable remnants of humor collected during the week, and dish them up for you in a big, steaming bag.
Don't forget to wipe!
The Appetizer
Mr. KABC TONIGHT!
Mr. KABC was off last Friday, but he's back, and badder than ever. I'll be joining him in studio tonight from 9:00 to midnight.
Now admittedly, I rarely have anything to talk about when I do Mr. K's show. I generally just look for ways to distract and upset him, though I also enjoy openly mocking him. I like to think I do that on behalf of all those listeners who would never get the opportunity. Noblesse oblige.
Tonight, however, I will be loaded. Well, not literally, though I suppose that's a possibility as well. No, I just mean that I have more to talk about and share this evening than I ever have before. I am lousy with content. And some of the content is lousy, but there's nothing new there.
Among the topics I'll be addressing tonight:
I know. It's all just a little overwhelming, isn't it?
Tune into 790 AM, or listen to live streaming here.
The Entree
ASSORTED EMAIL
Subject:Not quite a celebrity sighting
Date:Wed, 10 Sep 2003 20:32:05 -0700
From:(REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com
This happened about 13 years ago and though it's not a sighting, I think it qualifies as even cooler than actually seeing the person.
My car was being repaired so I rented a Ford Escort from that car rental place on Sunset, between the old Spago and Tower Records. Soon after driving off, I couldn't figure out how to make the air conditioner work, and began rooting around in the glove compartment for the manual. Instead, I found the previous customer's rental agreement, and a credit card receipt for 17 days of renting the shitmobile.
The card imprint and matching signature showed that one NIPSEY RUSSELL had been occupying the same driver's seat not more than 24 hours earlier!
"Nipsey, Nipsey, Nipsey," I thought. "A Ford Escort? What would Merv think?"
***
Subject:Celeb
Date:Thu, 11 Sep 2003 00:34:41 -0700
From:(REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com
Ann Heche at the car wash Sunday. She sat right next to me. Fabulous in white running shoes, white mesh running pants and white vest.
***
Subject:Funny
Date:Sat, 23 Aug 2003 14:17:14 -0700
From:(REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com
I saw this in the local paper the other night. Classic.
***
Subject:KFI direct line
Date:Fri, 22 Aug 2003 18:24:52 -0800
From:(REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com
I live just up the street from KFI.
The other day I couldn't help noticing that the street was ripped up, and a new sewer pipe was being put in. As an ex-listener, I'm not sure what to make of this - one line to pump it out and another one to . . . oh never mind.
***
Subject:Make mine rare
Date:Thu, 25 Sep 2003 03:24:31 ED
From:(REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com
***
Subject:Secret question
Date:Thu, 18 Sep 2003 10:23:44 -0700
From:(REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com
Dear April,
I'm missing your fun "secret question" that was previously hidden in the pubes of your website. What happened?
Please answer my secret question.
If I gave you 2 pearls, where would you put them?
Love,
Doug
Oh, I think you know where I'd put them. The question is, would you want them back? –aw
***
Subject:Jack K.
Date:Thu, 25 Sep 2003 16:32:40 -0500
From:(REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com
Yea, I can see the "K man" looking like a turtle. But to me, he's looking like Grandpa from Texas Chainsaw Massacre (original version, of course).
***
Subject:Jack Klugman
Date:Wed, 24 Sep 2003 16:03:59 -0700
From:(REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com
Jack Klugman is DLR in 20 years . . . no?
***
Subject:Cherokee
Date:Sun, 10 Aug 2003 00:52:06 -0700
From:(REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com
I just found out your Tsalagi (Cherokee) name is "Ka-wa-ni".
As in, "O-si-yo da-qua-dov Ki-wa-ni" (Hello. My name is April).
"Gi-'wo-ni-'sv e-qua a-li-he-li-s-di u-nv-di-ga-du-nv wa-ga ga-wo-ni-s-gv" (I talk the big, happy cheese cow talk).
"A-ya u-ha a-tso-se-s-di ni-hi-na ga-du-li-da do'-ya" (I have a restless and moist beaver).
I’ll get back to you when I learn some more.
***
Subject:Peter Marshall
Date:Sat, 16 Aug 2003 00:08:27 EDT
From:(REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com
You probably already know this, but I just wanted to make sure. Peter Marshall was born in Huntington, West Virginia. His real name: "Pierre La Cock".
It made me laugh.
***
And for Dessert . . .
3 new California Cheese commercials (I'm in "Girl Talk")
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