April Winchell

I have been so remiss in updating lately, but I have a very good reason. I didn’t feel like it.

Actually, I have been unreasonably busy. After many long months of blissful inactivity, I have suddenly been working again, and it’s completely thrown me off my game.

I’ve been working on two Disney films, recorded a new batch of spots for Snow Summit, did a show on Friday with Mr. KABC and just last night had my stand-up debut at Room 5. It’s a terrible period of productivity. Clearly, I’m not drinking enough.

Speaking of Room 5, I want to thank all of you who showed up last night. You’re all just so damn good and loyal, and I appreciate you so much.

Special thanks to Stretch, who took a few photos for me, including this one with Lily Tomlin.

Your Email

Subject: a link
Date: Sat, 15 Nov 2003 23:28:32 -0600
From: Chino (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

It’s all about the footwear.

From your fan In Costa Rica

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Subject: celebrity sighting
Date: Sat, 15 Nov 2003 18:40:04 -0800
From: Melody (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

I saw Anthony Michael Hall walking out after the movie Runaway Jury at the Marina a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I recognized him AFTER he used the urinal next to my friend and not before, or I would have more info for you.

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Subject: Saint April
Date: Sun, 9 Nov 2003 22:09:24 -0500
From: Keith (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Anyone who makes me laugh as hard as you did the other day DESERVES to be beatified. I laughed so hard that I spat Mr. Pibb all over the computer monitor in the nurse’s station where I was looking at your website. I made it the homepage it on the browser so the nurses in intensive care could enjoy it, too.

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Subject: Weird story in the Simi Valley Star
Date: Thu, 6 Nov 2003 11:14:18 EST
From: Fred (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Raymond Garfield Gordon, 23, who was scheduled to be a contestant on the “Canadian Idol” TV show, was arrested in August after an alleged public-masturbation spree, during which at least once he, nude, followed a woman and implored her, “Look at me. Please look at me.”

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Subject: Bird
Date: Mon, 3 Nov 2003 07:16:59 -0800
From: Chris (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

I wanted to show you how my bird gets her bath.

***Subject: Companion Piece
Date: Sun, 2 Nov 2003 23:55:02 EST
From: Jim (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

I try to limit my submissions (insert S&M joke here) to every-so-often so as not to incur a visit from the April Winchell Stop Fucking With The Boss goon Squad, I really do. But I couldn’t help but think this pic I took in Dublin was a good companion piece to the “woodpride” photo recently up on your site.

Penis News

A bakery which specializes in erotic cakes and pastries has proved a surprise hit with women in Santiago.

The Erotic Bakery sells cakes with icing depicting penises, bums and vaginas, reports Las Ultimas Online.

Owner of the bakery Lucio Penaloza said 90% of his customers were women catering for women-only parties.

“In the beginning people were a bit ashamed of asking about the erotic cakes and cookies but now they just come in and order what they want,” he said.

“Women seem to be a lot more at ease with the idea of ordering the pastries, but we get a lot of men as well ordering for bachelor parties and birthdays.

“People are getting cheeky and coming up with their own ideas and drawings.”

– Submitted by Matt

New MP3

Finally, a new MP3 submitted by a longtime ex-listener whose name I’ve already forgotten. There’s gratitude for you.

I don’t have much to say about this one, except that it’s obviously the reason Liza drinks.

And coming soon . . .

The day after Thanksgiving, I will again be making available the “Seasonal Favorites” category in the Multimedia section. This is the most unpleasant assortment of holiday tunes imaginable, and I couldn’t be prouder.

I suggest you burn them all to CD, and make gifts of them to everyone on your list, or at least the people you particularly dislike.

There are lots of new tracks this year, including a stellar arrangement of Little Drummer Boy, belched out by the melodious Marlene Dietrich.

Christmas uber alles!