April Winchell

Friday Brown Bag of Crap

Well, here we are again. Another Friday, another brown bag of fresh crap. All the bits and pieces collected during the week, stored in a big comedy bucket under my desk, spritzed with Febreeze and thrown up on these pages in a way that hopefully passes as some sort of content.

If you think this is sparse, try listening to me on KABC AM 790 tonight. I'll be Mr. K's in-studio guest from 9:00 to midnight, sharing my incredibly insightful observations on everything from Trista and Ryan's wedding to the flu "epidemic". If you live outside the 400 feet the station can be heard, you can listen to live streaming here.

I'll also share my thoughts on Lord of The Rings: The Return of The King, which I saw at the Writer's Guild last week. I won't divulge any spoliers, but I will offer a word of advice to anyone thinking of seeing this movie: bring your hemorrhoid pillow.

I'm also happy to report that I have received Wing's CD of Christmas Carols, and I'll be sharing some very special selections with you this evening.

This CD exceeded my wildest expectations, by the way. The entire thing is simply inexplicable, including the cover of Mariah Carey's "Vision of Love", which I've never thought of as a Christmas carol before.

The Appetizer

Penis News

MANILA (Reuters) - An irate Filipino housewife sliced off her husband's penis while he slept after she discovered text messages from another woman on his mobile phone.

A local radio station reported the woman rushed her husband to hospital in Manila Thursday when large amounts of blood flowed from his wound, but that she forgot to bring the severed penis.

Doctors were able to reattach his penis after she raced home to collect the missing piece. The man, a welder, told the radio station he had forgiven his wife.

Callers to the station, reacting to the news, offered helpful hints to wayward husbands such as never sleeping on their backs and always keeping mobile phones tucked under the pillow.

– Yahoo News

The Entree

ASSORTED EMAIL

Subject: GET THE AMAZING MR KABC PATCH!!!! &$7'z.kj(x4 VIXENS ONLY
Date: Fri, 12 Dec 2003 03:09:12 -0800
From: Jonathan (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Hi, I'm a vixen and I was desperate on weekends and holidays without my Mr. KABC. Or rather, I was until I discovered this AMAZING PATCH!!! Now I can satisfy my craving until I can get the real thing.

***

Subject: Season's Greetings
Date: Tue, 9 Dec 2003 17:15:14 EST
From:Boylemus (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

The holidays mean so many things: gifts, love, family and sexually transmitted infections.

Enjoy!

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Subject: Mame Link
Date: Mon, 8 Dec 2003 15:36:03 -0800 (PST)
From: Jason (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

I would have sent this link earlier, but the site was mysteriously gone for a couple of days. Maybe there was just too much traffic. After all, who could get tired of hearing Lucille Ball warble as "Mame?" Be sure and check out the audio clips at the bottom; my favorite is Lucy's energetic, peppy rendition of "It's Today."

Sincerely,

Some Guy Who Is Now Avoiding Work

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Subject: The New 2004 Calendar is Out!
Date: Tue, 9 Dec 2003 10:54:28 -0500
From: Phil (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Ah, the bleakness of winter when a young man's thoughts turn to caskets.

I've been following this for years and it just gets better and better. True to form, they do not disappoint in 2004.

Check out the touching tribute to the US for September.

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Subject: Poor little Piggy
Date: Tue, 9 Dec 2003 23:25:59 -0800
From: David (REMOVED
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Yesterday In yoga class I came down from a handstand and landed right on my middle toe. Overnight it turned black and purple. Doesn't it look like the one toe is a victim of domestic abuse? This little piggy said "It wasn't his fault cause he had had a hard day and I didn't have the dinner ready on time." Or This little piggy said "I'm so clumsy I fell on a fence."

I know, I have too much time on my hands.

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Subject: Let it Snow!
Date: Fri, 12 Dec 2003 15:07:54 -0800
From: Mike (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Dear April,

Thanks for the special gifts you give us each day. You are the nurturing umbilical cord for countless shut-ins. Here are a couple images that reminded me of you.