April Winchell

Christmas Sack of Crap

Is it possible? Are we here again already? I feel like it was only yesterday that I was fired from my radio show and began drinking myself to death.

Oh well. Time flies when you're on Oxycontin.

ASSORTED CHRISTMAS EMAIL

Subject: The Prodigal (ex)Producer returns…
Date: Sat, 20 Dec 2003 15:46:24 -0800 (PST)
From: Mike Schaefer (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

A-Dub,

I hope your 2003 was great and your 2004 is better. My suggestion…booze. Everything is better with booze.

Love and kisses,

Schaef

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Subject: Holiday Distinctions
Date: Sat, 20 Dec 2003 16:29:53 EST
From: SimiMike (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Holiday Distinctions

Just in case there were any questions about the differences between Christmas and Chanukkah. Hopefully this should clear up those misconceptions.

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year. Chanukkah is eight days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks, forcing us to consult a calendar.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukkah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.

3. Christmas carols are beautiful. Chanukkah songs are about dreidles made from clay. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols are performed by Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond.

5. A Christmas home smells of cookies and cakes baking. A Chanukkah home smells like oil, potatoes, and onions.

6. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names like Mary and Joseph. The players in the Chanukkah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe it.

7. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Joseph, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame God."

9. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukkah, even though it's a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, confess your sins. A guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets just $200 per person.

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Subject: Invest with JESUS!
Date: Fri, 19 Dec 2003 13:04:40 -0800
From: Roger (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

That's right April! Jesus Christ is the stock broker you need to invest your Christian dollars. Whom should I avoid investing in, and why? How do I purchase stock? How do I avoid investment mistakes? And Is Christianity foolishness? (note: they don't really give an outright yes or no to this question)

But remember this: "It is easier to get a camel in the Kingdom of Heaven than it is to put a needle in the eye of a rich man." Jones 69:212.

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Subject: Charo's Cuchi-Cuchi Christmas
Date: Sat, 13 Dec 2003 12:54:12 -0500
From: Kevin (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Went to see "Charo's Cuchi-Cuchi Christmas" this weekend at the craptacular Casino Magic in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi (or, as Charo pronounced it, Missapippy).

All I can tell you is that a Cuchi-Cuchi Christmas isn't that different than a regular cuchi-cuchi day, except with the addition of a couple of preassembled Home Depot Xmas trees and a closing number of "Feliz Navidad."

Charo's head is starting to look like that of Mae West in "Myra Breckinridge" - her face is so Botoxed and her lips so collagened that the effect is like a Winged Monkey from The Wizard Of Oz.

Her backup dancers seemed carefully chosen so as not to invite any unflattering comparisons between the chorus and the star. The girls were schlumpy and flat-chested, and the boys looked like they'd never touched a woman before, which is a handicap when you're trying to do a sexy samba in a spangled polyester bolero outfit.

Most of her act seemed to have been written in the mid-1980s, including a LONG series of jokes about Dr. Ruth. My favorite moment came when she did a medley of "Fernando" (which she claimed she co-wrote with ABBA for charity), and announced that the proceeds from the royalties still went to benefit the children of "Joonicef."

Of course, she closed by playing classical guitar. The audience seemed pleased that she kept it short — "Bolero" came in at about three minutes. When it was over, Charo praised the audience for being so "sopheesticated." Then they sold pre-autographed CDs, the lights came up, and everyone went back into the casino.

Kevin

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Subject: Merry XXX-Mas!!
Date: 18 Dec 2003 15:20:40 -0500
From: Brian Farrelly (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

I I just wanted to spread some holiday cheer your way with a comedy short my friend and I did where we reworked the old Rankin/Bass Christmas specials. It's called, The Christmas That Almost Wasn't. I won't give anything away, but instead of Rudolph visiting the Island of Misfit Toys, he visits The Island of Misfit Sex Toys.

Feliz Navidad!

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Subject: Perky Chanukah
Date: Wed, 17 Dec 2003 13:35:33 +0800
From: Heidi (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Finally, kosher support for 8 days. Screw that 18 hour crap!

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MY WISHES FOR YOU IN 2004

Because I love you all so dearly, and because you have been such a great source of strength, support and affection all these years, I give you now my fondest wishes for you all in the coming year.