April Winchell

Friday Brown Bag of Crap

I have some lovely new mp3s for you. If you like Icelandic Bon Jovi covers, today's your day!

I also want to remind you that I'll be on with Mr. KABC tonight, celebrating his birthday. Tune to KABC AM 790, or listen to live streaming here.

I also want to direct your attention to these delightful Ebay auctions, which seem to be moving along. I have lots to offer this week, including a sample of Kevin Spacey's saliva. You're not gonna get that from Ira Fistell, I can tell you that right now.

All right, enough whacking around. Let's open up that Friday Brown Bag of Crap and take a big whiff!

The Appetizer

Years ago, when I was very fat and very rich, I bought a lot of jewelry.

I did this for a few reasons, but the most significant was that I couldn't really buy anything else for myself. I was entirely too fat to buy nice clothes. When you're as big as I was, it's really more about whether it will button than how it looks. I was pretty much just buying duvet covers and tying them with rope.

Well, I guess you know what's coming. I had to sell my jewelry this week. I packed it all up in little velvet boxes, and I went to see a jewelry buyer.

I watched him looking carefully at all this stuff that I had worked so hard for. He wasn't interested in the little stories about where they came from, or when I bought them. He was really just interested in what everything weighed.

In a way, that turned out to be very comforting.

These things had at one time been extremely important to me. But now I saw them as he did. Just things. And you can always get more things.

I learned a very important lesson this week about perceived value versus real value, and I think I came out better for the experience.

Fuck, I miss that watch.

The Entree

ASSORTED EMAIL

Subject:Hot
Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 01:30:31 -0400
From: Drew (REMOVED)

Just wanted to let you know that I think that you are the hottest woman on earth besides Kristin Chenoweth. Seriously.

And even if you were once rotund, there's no way you ever resembled the daytime catastrophe that is Rosie O'Donnell. And besides, you aren't a lesbian. And if you are, please don't tell me because it would crush my boyish dreams. Seriously.

***

Subject: Icelandic music
Date:Thu, 27 May 2004 10:16:05 +0000
From: Arnbjörn (REMOVED)

First of all, thank you for archiving the questionable music so our children can suffer as much as we have.

Here is the Icelandic Bjorn Thor Karlsson, who seems to enjoy singing along with Bon Jovi's "It's My Life"

***

Subject:Birthday Music
Date: Fri, 28 May 2004 12:10:43 -0700
From: Andre (REMOVED)
p>Hang in there. God never closes a door without locking it and setting the house on fire.

***

Subject: I'll buy a CD from you.
Date: Thu, 27 May 2004 11:54:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: Regan (REMOVED)

I am willing to purchase your "Wing" CD from you. I'm hoping it's her Christmas album.

How much? I'll cover postage as well.

Regan

PS – attached is a recent webcam shot of me surfing your site.

***

And for Dessert . . .

Longtime ex-listener "Mtamarac" has sent me two incredible mp3s that simply must be shared.

The first is a recording of Elvis taking a break from a concert performance to vent his feelings about the tabloids. I cannot believe I haven't heard it before.

The second is just jaw dropping. It's a very drunk John Wayne delivering some sort of address to a bewildered graduating class. In the words of The Duke himself, it's "ri-goddamn-diculous"!