April Winchell

Friday Brown Bag of Crap

Well, it's that time again. Another Friday, another steaming bag of comedy.

This is where I unload all the offal I've collected all week. I keep it in a big bucket under my desk, where it marinates in its own stench until it squirts out onto these pages for your mild amusement. And I must say, this week it's a real load.

Don't forget to wipe!

The Appetizer

Well! My Ebay auctions are kicking ass! Can you believe that this letter is already $137.50? I can't decide if it's because the letter has real value, or you just what to see what an ugly child I was. Either way is fine with me.

Where was I?

Oh yes, Ebay. I would suggest you bookmark those auctions, because I'll be adding lots of strange things soon. Tomorrow I'm putting up a weird piece of Lisa Kudrow memorabilia, a little something from Kirk Douglas, another weird dad find and a picture of something Farrah Fawcett made with her own ass. Seriously. I can't go into it now, just come back later.

The Entree

ASSORTED EMAIL

Subject: Very disturbing episode
Date: Fri, 4 Jun 2004 20:03:14 -0700
From: Tom (REMOVED)

I was getting ready for work at 4:45 AM, and flipping through the TV. What did I see? Oh dear God! A repeat of "CHIPS". But not just any CHIPS, this is the one where Erik Estrada does the 5 minute disco dance! Ewww! This was bad!Is there any sense of decency left in this country? Can Estrada sue himself? Can I sue him for disrupting my rods and cones?

I'm on the rooftop with a rifle because of this. Help me April, talk me down.

***

Subject: Your House
Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 16:14:05 -0700
From: Jim (REMOVED)

When you have to sell your home, I want you to know you can always come live with us here pleasant Taft California, only 30 miles west of Bakersfield. You can pay for your stay by doing cartoon voices.

***

Subject: Been There, Done That
Date: Wed, 02 Jun 2004 22:58:20 -0700
From: Rob (REMOVED)

This is tough love, April–please take it as such, with emphasis on the love part. I noticed you do a lot of dissing on your website–aimed primarily at Him. You know, the original Dr. J. Jesus. If it is His universe, maybe putting some respect out into it will get you some in return? Just a thought. Who knows and appreciates your real talent like you do? Maybe better? Maybe He does. I made God my agent. I'm gettin' gigs.

***

Subject: Thank you
Date: Sat, 29 May 2004 22:18:52 -0700 (PDT)
From: Gregg (REMOVED)

You once sent me a Timothy McVeigh T-shirt which I'll always cherish - I did give it to goodwill.

***

And for Dessert . . .