April Winchell

Friday Brown Bag of Crap

Well, here we are again. Another Friday, another steaming load of crapola.

What’s that smell? Comedy!

The Appetizer

A few quick things to pimp, then it's on to the hi-larity.

First, I want to remind you that I'll be on live with Mr. KABC tonight, from 9:00 to midnight. Tune to KABC AM 790, or listen to live streaming here.

I'll have a lot to talk about, including a huge star sighting I had yesterday, which was by turns thrilling and unbelievably annoying.

Also, the fine people at Ruthless Reviews have posted a second review of mine. If you recall, they asked me to bash 5 recent Disney films, and the entire Disney corporation in general.

Click here to read my review of Freaky Friday.

Finally, I received $10 from a guy named Jeremiah Jacobs. Jeremiah's kindness did not come without strings, however. He wanted me to review one of his songs on his web site.

I can never pass up the opportunity to help a struggling young artist, as you know. That's really my mission, I think, leading the way for others to express themselves through . . . yeah. What a fucking load. I needed the ten bucks.

So I told Jeremiah I would do it, and moments later he sent a payment with this note:

Words don't adequately express the mix of terror and giddiness I'm experiencing right now; giddy that you're actually going to listen to and review one of my shitty songs, and terrified that you're going to actually listen to and review one of my shitty songs. I find a morbid kind of solace in that I believe we're both getting what we deserve.

So I went to the web site, and I listened to a track called Not My Day.

I'm extremely disappointed to say that I didn't hate it. It's a real problem, because I tend to like things better when I hate them. But this was totally inoffensive. It was upbeat and depressing, all at the same time.I had a hard time figuring out what it reminded me of. It wasn't exactly after-school-bong-hits-at-Stephanie's-house music (that would be Rick Wakefield), and it wasn't exactly making-bad-jewelry-in-the-kitchen-of-my-shitty-North-Hollywood-apartment music (that would be David Byrne). It's more the sort of thing you might hear on the radio in 1983 when you're living in Sacramento and there's not a God damn thing to do but eat pizza and play Pac Man and your Honda's been repossessed and your apartment manager is evicting you because you brought home a pit bull and you're not supposed to have pets. You know what I'm talking about.

I give it a 7.

The Entree

ASSORTED EMAIL

Subject: We love your site
Date: Sat, 3 Jul 2004 13:15:22 -0400
From: Steve and April(REMOVED)

You have one of the funniest, best sites on the web! My wife, April, always liked you since at that time, April was not a common name (we are mid 40’s). Too bad we didn’t know you when we lived in LA (South Jersey now). Looks like you are into kinky fun!

If you are ever in Jersey, you can stay with us as long as you don’t mind threesomes.

***

Subject: We had a nice, family friendly show…
Date: Fri, 2 Jul 2004 09:03:11 -0700 (PDT)
From: Mike Schaefer (REMOVED)

Nothing racy; just me in chaps serving up drinks and coctail wieners. Then I make a visit to your site and Sweet White-Meat Jesus! You're out flashing butchers named Louie!!

I'm glad you've finally come out of your shell, but what has become of the April I once knew?

Ahh, screw it! You can never go wrong showin' the world your junk, as my 3rd grade teacher used to say. Way to go!

Schaef

***

Subject: Flashing
Date: Sun, 4 Jul 2004 13:18:48 -0700 (PDT)
From:Apple (REMOVED)

Disturbing photo. I don't like the lascivious look of surprise on Louie's face or the subtle sense of innocence betrayed on yours.

Less said about this incident the better.

Your friend, Mrs. Grundy.

***

Subject: Nice Rack
Date: Sun, 4 Jul 2004 23:23:58 -0700 (PDT)
From: Mike(REMOVED)

You are my new heroine.

And I don't mean female hero. I mean I want to inject you directly into my vein.

Jittery,

Mike

***

Subject: Gelson's: It was your finest hour…
Date: Fri, 02 Jul 2004 00:55:15 -0700
From: Daniel (REMOVED)

Very soon the accolades and acclaim will be pouring in from all over the world congratulating you on what can only be viewed as your singular, defining moment.

Your simple yet profound act of selflessness and determination has resonated with people everywhere who lack the courage to disrobe in supermarkets for shock value. Sadly, I count myself among them. April, you flashed for US!

And for Dessert . . .

Things to add to Kevin and Brittney's Amazon Wishlist: