April Winchell

Friday Brown Bag of Crap

Well friends, it's time for another steaming load of marginal fun!

I'm pleased to bring you a pile of odds and ends every Friday, unless I'm drunk. And today is no exception.

So grab a napkin and a shovel, and dig in!

The Appetizer

Can you smell it? Sort of a cross between Shalimar and burning hair?

You know what that is?

It's excitement Yes it is. It's the impending thrill of an absolutely epic party just hours away. The big ass sushi party tomorrow night. It smells like victory.

There are only a few tickets left on eBay. And you don't want to miss this, you really don't. I mean, anything can happen here. I'm just saying.

You could win a door prize. You could throw up on Mr. KABC. You could even meet a special friend.

Speaking of which . . .

The Entree

EMAIL OF THE WEEK

Subject: It's lonely at the bottom
Date: Jul 23, 2004 3:03 AM
From: Patrick F.

Okay April, here's my dilemma.

I purchased two tickets for your sushi party, and my guest has just backed out of the invitation. So now I have an extra ticket. And here's where you come in.

If you like, you may let it be known to all your rabid followers that I have an extra ticket to your once-in-a-lifetime, super-special, private, invitation-only sushi-and-who-knows-what-else-party, and some poor stay-at-home listener who was too cheap to purchase a ticket may still have the opportunity to join in all the fun and debauchery. For free, no less.

This would not be such a difficult endeavor save for one fact: I am driving in from the Bay Area strictly for the party. I know no one down there and no one here is willing to go along with my itinerary (drive there, go to party, drive back).

So who knows, maybe there is some lucky (?) woman out there who would like to be my bitch/date/guest for the evening.

So hopefully this can serve more than one purpose: a free ticket for someone who can't afford one, and a way overdue social experience for a poor single individual who…well, needs one.

(Say no more! If I can't find you a cheap date on a Saturday night with a guy they'll never see again, I'm just not doing my job.

If you're a single woman who wants to accompany this fine gentleman to the sushi party tomorrow night, or if you're just some skank who wants a free meal and has every intention of ditching this poor guy once you gulp down your steamed gyoza, by all means, drop me a line TODAY.

In fact, drop me a line even if you aren't a single woman. Or even a woman. Hell, the guy lives in San Francisco, he can handle it. Let's just see if we can't get a little something going here.

Make sure you include a recent photo, and a few reasons why we should pick you to be Mr. F's biyatch. I'll personally select his date, and we'll all have a good laugh at their expense. — aw)

And for Dessert . . .

I have new sponsor!

The Freeworld Group has been added to my stable of pimps, and I couldn't be prouder. Online games, free games, wallpapers, screen savers and just a host of crap to piss away your day. This guy is almost as good at wasting your time as I am. Pay him a little visit, won't you?

But enough frivolity. There is some very disturbing news out of Century City this morning.

It is with a very heavy heart that I inform you that my beloved Gelson's will be closing for several weeks in September while they undergo a huge remodel. I am devastated.

What kind of a world do we live in, when a store like Gelson's closes their doors for even a second? Does that seem right to you? Now what the hell am I going to do? Where am I going to get my groceries? And don't say "Ralph's". I won't even dignify that with a response.

No, this is bad news. How will I spend my days? Where will I find Wonderfruit? Who will I show my tits to?

Well, I suppose there's always the Chevron station downtown. They don't have very good produce, but there's an old homeless man down there who thinks I'm Joan Jett. So there's that.