April Winchell

Wednesday Junk Drawer

Hey y'all! it's time for a peek in the old junk drawer! Yee haw, this'll be fun for the younguns!

This is where I keep all my odds and ends and make y'all giggle and holler til yer tummy hurts! It's fun and folksy!

What?

That's ridiculous. This is nothing like the Friday Bag of crap. For one thing it's a drawer. That's not at all like a bag. And second of all, it's Wednesday. Not Friday. Completely different day.

Yep, you never know what I'll I been saving in this here drawer! It could be a possum, or maybe a cherry pie from the fair! Gather around and . . . I can't do this anymore. I'm sleepy.

Your Email

Subject: Golden Opportunity!!!!
Date: Wed, 28 Jul 2004 13:36:41 EDT
From: Gina

Check out the newest product on Target.com.

The fact that Target is selling 72 inches of STRING for $25.99 and people are actually buying it is so twistedly brilliant that you need to capitalize on this. Make it a premium. Give people six feet of black thread and write up some April the Matriarch stuff like the card they show on the site. And it wouldn't be all bullshit because didn't you become a saint or something over the internet? See, it's all good. Forget Madonna, Demi and the rest of them. Black string is where it's at.

Either that or I need to go back on my meds.

Gina, you really are brilliant. I've been feeling like the Kabbalah thing has been asking for it for a long time now.

But no string. Everyone is doing string. String is so five minutes ago. We need something different.

What we need is a whole store!

I'm good, aren't I? No, really? Aren't I?

I mean, come on. That's some funny shit, right?

I'm telling you everyone is going to want one of these. It'll be bigger than Von Dutch, and twice as religious.

Dear God, it's scary being me.

* * *Subject: Nothing Fails Like Prayer
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 2004 20:13:14 +0000
From: Mrs. Fab

Last night, we were thumbing thru the wonderful "Prayer" book that we won at the party and, yes, April, you did fail in your mission. Just a few examples:

Martha Stewart: "Pray for her welfare"
Tom Cruise: "Pray that his marriage is strengthened"
Trent Lott: "Pray that he seek wisdom for his public statements"
Osama Bin Laden: "Pray that he be restrained from further violence"
Fred Rogers: "Pray for his continued health and strength"

And finally….

John F. Kennedy, Jr.: "Pray for the safety of John and his wife"

April, April, April. I hope we can do a lot better with the torch that has been passed along to us.

Wow, I really dropped God's ball on that one. But seeing as I just invented a new religion, I don't have to worry about doing good works.

Speaking of Martha Stewart, Longtime ex-listener Jason sent these photos of Martha's new home:

Bathroom 1
Bathroom 2
Hallway
Chair

* * *

Subject: hot xxx photo of my boyfriend choking the chicken
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 2004 21:00:53 -0700
From: David

I know this is childish, but it's Sunday night, and really, what else do I have going on?

Yes, that is pretty damn stupid, but it brings me to something almost as exciting as this.

We now have a Hideous Squeezy Chicken Thing available on the Whoring Page. it's just like the ones we had in the giant engorged goody bags everyone got at the sushi party. It's about the most disgusting toy I've ever seen, and it's a chicken. So it has everything going for it.

At first, it seems like just a harmless little rubber chicken. But give him a squeeze, and a big wet egg sack shoots out of its ass. It's first class, all the way. And no, I couldn't be prouder.