April Winchell

Big Hairy Update

First of all, thanks to all of you who have sent emails about my current dental situation. Everyone has been incredibly helpful. Well, everyone except for longtime ex-listener Steve, who told me it sounded a lot like about his brother's incurable deteriorating neurological condition. That cheered me up, I can tell you that.

The point is, I'm feeling at least 0.05% better today, and that just fills me with joy. My jaw no longer throbs constantly; only when I attempt to eat or drink anything. Or breathe through my mouth. Or speak. So I've got that going for me.

Anyway, I thought I'd try to do an update today, since it's been so long since I've posted anything of substance. Well, no, actually I don't think I've ever posted anything of substance. I think I meant length.

So here we go.

Jersey Style

As you may know, I went to New Jersey last month for a wedding. I have to say, Jersey is all about the 'do. Almost everyone has massive hair, just towering and quivering like a Jello salad in a Lutheran's basement.

I attribute this to a couple of things. First of all, it's very humid, so your hair just inflates. It sucks up moisture like those "Grow-a-Dinosaur" capsules you throw in a glass of water, eventually reaching 100 times its normal size.

In fact, I have first hand knowledge of this. The wedding took place on the beach at the Jersey Shore, in the 10 minutes between passing hurricanes. When I went into the bathroom afterward, I saw that my own hair had expanded dramatically, giving me a sort of Sonia-Braga-meets-Diana-Ross-in-a-wind tunnel effect. I spent at least 10 minutes using the hand dryer on the wall to get things back to normal.

On top of this, there is a very strong penchant among the locals for Aqua Net. My theory is that when the hair reaches maximum volume, one simply bends from the waist and empties an entire can of hairspray, preserving the structure for posterity.

It would all be very charming, if Jersey girls didn't smoke so much. You have the feeling that something very bad could happen at any moment, though that's true of Jersey in general.

I can't really say too much more about the trip, the star sightings, the drag queens, and the extreme regret I feel about not eating whatever that thing was that was wrapped in bacon at the San Gennaro Festival. I'm planning on doing Mr. KABC's show on the 29th, and if I tell all my boring stories here, you'll have even less reason to tune in.

So let's talk about something else.

Email of the Week

From: Gina
Subject: When will the Reality madness end?
Date: October 15, 2004 12:11:18 PM PDT

Daniel Baldwin will be one of eight celebrities to appear in "Celebrity Fit Club," a series in which participants split into two teams to see who can lose the most weight. Production is under way on the eight-episode series for a January launch on VH-1. Other contestants are Kim Coles, Joe Gannascoli, Biz Markie, Ralphie May, Judge Mablean Ephriam, Mia Tyler and Wendy the Snapple Lady.