April Winchell

Happy Fucking Birthday

Wow. This might be the worst birthday ever.

I feel bad for complaining, because it's my own fault. I spend months telling everyone not to do anything special for me, then I feel like shit when no one does anything special for me. I'm an asshole.

Today I dragged a friend to the Grand Central Market . In my mind, I imagined it would be a lot like Pike's in Seattle, which I visited a few years ago. That was one of the funnest experiences I ever had. But this was, well, not like Pike's.

First of all, it smelled. All of the food stands there proudly featured their decaying wares under heat lamps, creating an absolutely putrid incense. I don't know about you, but I don't eat grey met, even if it is deep fried.

The low light might have been the liquor stall, where we attempted to buy some birthday champagne. While we tried to decide which of the off brands looked the least toxic, a tatooed man with a greasy ball cap shouted out ,"I know what I want", and pushed ahead of us. When you need a fifth of Cook's gin, you need a fifth of Cook's gin.

We followed up this horrible experience by doing another stupid thing I was jonesing to do; checking out two gyms downtown that I wanted to join. The first one was located at 300 Los Angeles Street, which, to my surprise, turned out to be the Federal Building. Now, I don't know if this was a misprint or not, but I dont want to meet my maker on the treadmill when Al Qaeda takes out the Federal Building.

The other gym was Bally's, which was located in the Macy's Building. This was problematic for several reasons. First of all, I hate Macy's, and this particular store smelled like pee. Secondly, the parking was 8 floors up a severely sprialled ramp, which made me feel like vomitting before I even got out of the car. And third, the whole front of the gym is glass, so people can stop and watch you trotting your fat ass on the Treadmaster. So I'm going to say no.

The bright spot of the whole day was the massive outpouring of email treats from you all. Here are some of my favorites:

A Jerry Lewis Birthday Greeting (From Dennis)

A Sammy Birthday Greeting (From Rob)

A Doggy Birthday Greeting (From Kevin)

A Celebrity Tsunami News Alert (From Stacy - scroll down to see how Kaballah is helping)

$50 (From Pete)

$50 (From Gina)

$10 (From Craig)

$5 (From John)

New MP3: A coked out Stevie Nicks being obnoxious at a birthday party (From Rob)

New MP3: Sammy Davis, Jr.'s Big Band Version of The Alka Selzer Song (From Rick)

New MP3: Sammy Davis, Jr.'s Rock Version of The Alka Selzer Song (From Rick)

And last but not least - complete indexes for all the newly archived shows (from Graham)!