April Winchell

What's My Line?

A few months ago, I was on the "celebrity" panel of "What's My Line" at the Acme Comedy Theatre. The stage version was conceived by J. Keith Van Straaten, who also hosts, and it's an incredibly fun evening.

Well, J. Keith asked me to come back and do all the shows in June, and I happily accepted. So starting this Wednesday, June 1st, I'll be on the panel with the other celebs, trying to find my ass with a map.

Now, the last time I did this, I was on the same panel as David "Squiggy" Lander, and frankly, I didn't think it could get better than that. But I was wrong. I was so wrong.On the panel with me this Wednesday night? ANDY DICK. You heard me. Andy Dick. And if that's not enough, how about Jack Riley (From The Bob Newhart Show) and Debra Wilson (MAD TV)? That should be enough for anyone.

And the glamour doesn't stop there! Other panelists I'll be rubbing elbows with this month include MAD TV's Nicole Sulllivan, Mink Stole, and the incredibly funny Greg Proops.

So do yourself a favor and buy your tickets for this Wednesday or any Wednesday this month. It's only like 11 bucks or something, and you will have a fabulous time. I mean it.

Disclaimer

I had the TV on this afternoon, and a commercial came on for Zelnorm. You know those commercials, where people write stuff on their stomachs? That one.

Anyway, I'd never really paid much attention to those spots. I knew Zelnorm was for constipation, but that was all I picked up on.

So today I'm listening to the voice over on this commercial, and I hear the announcer get to the disclaimer at the end, where they have to warn you about the side effects.Now, not a lot of people know this, but when they make commercials for prescription drugs, the advertiser has two options. They can tell you exactly what the drugs do, but then they have to tell you the side effects. Or, they can leave out what the drug does, which relieves them of that responsibility. That's why you sometimes see spots with people in hot air balloons or gardening, and the voice over just says something like, "Ask your doctor if Anal-Ease is right for you".

So the Zelnorm people opted to disclose what the drug does, leaving them in the position of having to list the side effects. And it was a long, awful list.

But the one that stopped me in my tracks was "diarrhea with fainting". Really, can there be anything worse?

Diarrhea is bad enough, but diarrhea with fainting? What is that all about? You crap your pants and fall down? Maybe that's what's going on with all those people I see lying in the street near the Santa Monica Promenade. They're not homeless, they're Zelnorm users.