April Winchell

Email of the Month

From: (REMOVED)@earthlink.net
Subject: Dear Patricia Heaton
Date: June 11, 2005 6:44:29 AM PDT
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Dear Patricia Heaton,

I'm not gay and I've never had an abortion. So would you let me fuck your tits? Or at least send me a picture of you eating an Albertson's banana.

Thanx

Waldo

More Crap

First of all, this is not me. I wish it were, because then I would have a viable skill.

Now that we have that out of the way, J. Keith van Straaten, host of the live stage version of What's My Line at the Acme Comedy Theatre, sent me this picture of last week's celebrity panel. Is that a fine looking group of people or what?

There was something incredibly familiar about J.P. Manoux (the bald gentleman on the left), but I couldn't put my finger on it. It wasn't until he told me who he looked like that I was able to put it together. The resemblance is uncanny.

More Craig's List Torture

Here are a few responses to my recent ad on Craig's List, as well as a translation of what it all really means.

WHAT HE SAYS:

"Life has handed me some experiences recently that have been very hard to deal with. You look very interesting and I could use some help right away."

WHAT HE MEANS:

Send money.

WHAT HE SAYS:

"I am active, have a full-time job, dependable, sincere, but wanting to take time away from being those things and just have fun."

WHAT HE MEANS:

I want to quit my job and have you support me.

WHAT HE SAYS:

"Great sence of humor and consider myself a lesbian trapped in a mans body."

WHAT HE MEANS:

I can't spell and I'm not funny.

WHAT HE SAYS:

"Well this a man want to meet you, we friends, hung out, exchange experience."

WHAT HE MEANS:

Please marry me so I can stay here.

WHAT HE SAYS:

"Not possessive, insecure, jealous or violent."

WHAT HE MEANS:

They never found my first wife's body.

WHAT HE SAYS:

"I'm wickedly smart, warm, passionate, charismatic, affectionate, handsome and successful (a working TV writer)."

WHAT HE MEANS:

I'm ugly as hell and I work on "Reba".

WHAT HE SAYS:

"The paths you wish to experience and eventually be will be an important journey in you."

WHAT HE MEANS:

I have no fucking idea.