April Winchell

Hairless Kitty

This whole day has been completely surreal.

It started this morning when I had a double star sighting at the gym: Ryan Reynolds, holding hands with Alanis Morrisette. I've seen him there a few times, but never with the jagged little pill.

Let me tell you something about the Canadian chanteuse. If you saw her walking down the street, you would never, ever, in a million years think that it was her. In person, she looks like someone's mom, or a realtor getting ready to show a house in Arcadia.

And to my great joy, she has a big can. I always love it when I see famous people and they're human. I saw Alicia Keyes at Mr. Chow once, and she had quite the keister. And Shannen Doherty, who I saw in Barney's, has a big old ass. Skinny as hell everywhere else, but lots of junk. She looks like a crack whore wearing 8 pairs of underpants.

Which brings me to my next surreal moment.

As I was walking to the gym this morning, I passed two bums ambling the down the street. When I got about 20 yeards ahead of them, one of them said, "Wow, she's got a big ass". You know you're in Los Angeles when even the homeless are body conscious.

After that, I went to Sephora and bought 10 bottles of some bullshit overpriced "nutraceutical" water, because, well, I'm an asshole. I also took a moment to look at the Jonathan hair products, because "Blow Out" is just about my favorite show these days.

Speaking of which, why hasn't anyone come up with the "Blow Out" drinking game? I think it would go something like this:

Jonathan says "I'm all about the hair"" - take a shot
Jonathan says "I'm just a hair styist" - take a shot
Jonathan cries - take a shot
Jonathan says "Bangin' hair" - take a shot
Jonathan calls someone "A rock star" (including himself)- take a shot
Jonathan calls someone "Babe-raham Lincoln" - take a shot
Jonathan touches his own head - take a shot
Jonathan says "My heart was beating 8 millions miles a minute" - take a shot
Jonathan does someone's hair and it comes out looking like a greasy version of Dixie Carter - take a shot

Finally, I made my way over to the laser center, where I had a full Brazilian laser. I didn't even know the Brazilians had lasers. When will the nuclear proliferation end?

I've done a lot of weird shit in my life, but this is in the top 5. Two women with goggles shooting the Hubble Telescope at your hoo-ha. And I actually paid for it.

Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of this is that after they zap you with the laser, they slap you a little to make the sting go away. There's a visual for you. After a few minutes I said, "You really ought to be playing Barry White music in here".

They didn't laugh.

Though to be fair, I imagine you really can't have a sense of humor when you do this for a living. Every time someone dropped their pants you'd start to laugh, and that would really hurt return business.

More Internet Acronyms

From Brandon:

WKORN: Wearing Klingon outfit right now
DL40YOWM: Dances like 40 year old white man
PYMCWME: Pretend you're my cousin, wife monitors email
AFEMBC: Application for extreme makeover being considered
STR8: Gay

From Bill S:

TYBMY': Typed "your" but meant "you're"
LNBIGOTCOY: Leaving now because I've gotten off, take care of yourself
DAMR: Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

From Bill P:

KLOLATTYA: Keep laughing out loud and they'll take you away
DWOGG: Drugs wearing off, gotta go
WQTAL: Watching Quincy, Try Again Later