April Winchell

Winged Victory

I've been doing whatever the hell it is I do for a living for a long time now. I've been fortunate enough to have had a good deal of success, and most of the time I like my work every much.

But every once in a while, I get discouraged. I think maybe I'm not where I ought to be by now. Or I lament that I am an acquired taste, not yet acquired by the masses.

But something happened today.

Something important.

Something so awful and joyful at the same time, that I found myself released from the bonds of self-doubt forever.

I was walking down the 3rd Street Promenade, as I often do on the weekends, enjoying the familiar sights:

Chubby teenagers bulging out of too tight tank tops and low rise pants. German tourists trying to make sense of Yankee Doodles.

Blonde Asian girls with enormous fake tits and guido boyfriends.

Skeletal yoga enthusiasts carrying their mats and smoking Marlboro Lights.

By all visible signs, it was business as usual.

And then . . . I saw it.

There, across from Urban Outfitters, was a 15' tall inflatable roll of Angel Soft toilet paper.

At first I thought my eyes were deceiving me. I could not fathom what possible benefit the Angel Soft Butt Wipes Corporation™ imagined they would gain from this apparition. But sure enough, it was real. It was there. It got worse.

Apparently, Angel Soft is doing a TV campaign with two actors named Larry and David. Larry and David appear in these spots dressed as angels, who come to your house late at night and change your toilet paper roll.

I would like to say that I'm making that up, but I can't. I think by now you know that I don't have that kind of creativity.

Now, I have often stated my distaste for angels in advertising, as angels are basically dead people. I don't find dead women in lingerie exciting, I don't think dead people eating Philadelphia Cream Cheese is particularly appetizing, and I am equally put off by a couple of dead guys in my bathroom, fucking with my toilet paper.

But Angel Soft doesn't see it that way. Not only do they think you'll find Larry and David as refreshing as a bidet on an August afternoon, they're banking on it!

The late Larry and David are all over their web site, in two national TV commercials, proudly featured on their packaging, and on this fine day, live and in person on the 3rd Street Promenade as part of a multi-city Wipe-a-Palooza tour.

So you see friends, this was not just a giant inflatable roll of toilet paper. No, this was a photo-op.

I stood there for many long minutes, watching people line up to be photographed with two unknown, sweaty, middle aged actors wearing feathered wings in front of a roll of toilet paper. I shook my head in disbelief so much that my neck spasmed.

And I watched these two guys working the crowd, I thought I saw something equally unexpected on their faces. It wasn't shame or humiliation. No, it was a rush. These two guys felt like Beatles. By them, this was a killer gig.

I walked away slowly, shaken to my core. Because I knew, in that moment, that something within me had changed forever.

From this day forward, I can never feel bad about my career again.

I have seen the bottom. And it is two-ply.