April Winchell

Happy Halloween My Ass

By now you know that I've been pretty sick for quite a while. Between the hideous diet, the radiation and the effects of being off my medication, I've been in a bad way.

There was a stretch of about 8 days with a migraine, and that was pretty hellish. But mostly, it's been persistent nausea and extreme fatigue. I remember lying down for a nap one day at about 4:00 and walking up at 11:00 the next morning.

Fortunately, the worst of it is over now. I've been back on my medication for a little over a week, and I'm starting to feel very close to human again.

The biggest problem I'm having is a persistent salty/soapy taste in my mouth. It really only bothers me when I drink anything. I don't taste it so much with food. I opened a bottle of Dasani the other day and I actually had to have John check it for me.

ME: Does this taste like it has two tablespoons of dishwashing detergent and a half a cup of salt in it?
JOHN: Um . . . no. It tastes like water.

Last Monday I finally had my full body scan. It made me very tense. A large piece of heay equipment was lowered on down on top of me, coming to rest about a quarter inch from my nose. I kept thinking of that final scene in Terminator, and I was sure it was going to malfunction and squish me like a bug.

Fortunately, the whole event yielded nothing but good news. I am now completely cancer free. The doctor said it was the cleanest scan she ever saw. All that jelly paid off.

Anyway, last night was the first time in quite a while I was up for doing much of anything, so John and I went to Mick's Halloween party.

The theme of the party was "Neverland Ranch", so guests were asked to come as anyone or anything associated with Michael Jackson. It was all very disturbing. Mick is really good with details, and nothing unpleasant was overlooked.

The bar was stocked with bottles of "Jesus Juice". The bathrooms had copies of Tiger Beat on the floor. And pairs of boy's underpants were tastefully worked into the centerpiece. Bravo.

Initially, I thought about going as Gloria Allred. All I needed was an ugly suit, a black eyebrow pencil and a bad wig, and I would be good to go. But it just seemed so . . . obvious.

Then I remembered that woman outside the courthouse, the stupid one with the fucking doves. Remember that loser? The one who released a dove for every acquittal? I knew I had to be her.

So I made a sign, mispelled, of course ("Michael is Innosint!"), and put little photos of him all over it, along with glitter heart stickers. I found a shirt at the thrift store that said, "God's Love is Everywhere", and I got a bad denim skirt that I wore with nylons and open toed shoes. I also found a horrible 80's mullet style wig and a pair of pink glitter hoops, and I smeared mascara all over my face. I looked like I was going to a pro-life rally in Alabama.

Finally, I bought fake doves and threw them around. It was one of my all time favorite costumes.

My boyfriend John went as Jesse Jackson. I can't tell you how much I respected that. Not only did he do the full on make-up, he grew a moustache for the event, and even stuffed his cheeks with cotton. Now that's dedication.

Mick creeped me out the most, I think. He looked a lot like Michael Jackson, but he looked a lot like his mom, too. The combination was extremely upsetting, which is probably what he was going for. He was also creepily in character, and would ask every guest when they arrived if they brought any children.

But perhaps the most eloquent testimony to his creepiness was the exchange between him and my best friend Roy.

Roy showed up as Liz Taylor. I don't know how I missed getting a photo of him, but he was not to be believed. He had enormous fake tits, a silver wig, full on drag make-up, fake nails, jewels, a red boa and a floor length sequined gown. He also had a full goatee, as he's getting ready to do a TV show and can't shave it off. The effect was horrifying.

So I bring Roy out into the backyard to see Mick (who is talking to Peter Pan and Tom Mesereau), and I shout, "Hey Michael, look who's here!"

Mick sees Roy and comes prancing across the lawn saying,"It's my dear friend, Liz!" in a high voice. He gets a few feet away from us and Roy throws his hands up and backs up a few steps.

"Ok", Roy says, "you're scaring me."

Me as the Dove Lady

John as Jesse Jackson

Mick as Michael

Michael and Jesse

Jesse and the Dove Lady

Bon Voyage

One thing I learned during this experience is that there's no point in waiting. You just don't know how much time you have or what fate is going to hand you. So say it now, buy it now, go there now.

Taking my own advice, John and I are going on vacation. First we're stopping in New York to see two of my friends in Broadway plays.

My pal Brad Garrett is playing Murray the cop in The Odd Couple, which we'll be seeing on Sunday. And on Saturday, we'll see my friend Tim Curry in Spamalot. I can't wait. They were both nice enough to give me their house seats, which is great since both shows are all but sold out.

On Monday, We'll leave for London, then Amsterdam, and finally a week in Paris. I should be back by Thanksgiving, but if we're having a good time, who knows? That's what credit cards are for.

As a parting gift, please note that I have put up the holiday music in the MP3 section a little early this year. Golly, isn't it all so fucking wonderful?

Have a great Halloween, and I'll see you soon.