April Winchell

Friday Bag of Crap

I'm not going to deny it. I haven't updated this site in a very long time.

I know you don't want to hear any excuses, because you're like that. Strict, but fair.

I can only tell you how sorry I am. Or I would, if I were. Sorry, that is. But I'm not, so I can't. However, I can wholeheartedly apologize for not being at all sorry. That seems reasonable. And it really is the least I can do.

As much as I enjoy maintaining this site and entertaining the tens of fans who claim I amuse them, I am severely distracted these days. It's hard to sit in front of the computer, uploading bad music for hours, when you have a wonderful boyfriend who treats you like a Goddess. What will it be today? Regis Philbin singing with Donald Trump? Or a walk in the sunshine with a gorgeous man who never stops touching you? Wow, I have to think about that one.

Still, I have neglected you fine people long enough. And seeing as the holidays are fast approaching, I've decided to give you a Christmas gift today in the form of a gigantic, engorged update, brimming with horrible musical selections and a newly archived show.

So let's stop playing with ourselves and get on with the entertainment, shall we?

NEW HOLIDAY MUSIC

To download any of the festering gems below, visit the Multimedia section, and scroll down to the category marked "Seasonal Favorites".

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER: Regis Philbin

Philbin destroys this classic with help from Donald Trump (who he refers to as "The Trumpster"). This is so God awful, it defies description. The hideous spoken word part at the end is just unbelievably wrong, and the whole thing is almost depressing.

Before you decide I'm exaggerating, keep in mind that Mr. KABC actually told me he would never forgive me for playing it on his show. And that man can take a lot.

JOY TO THE WORLD: Unknown

Fans of the horrific version of "Oh Holy Night" which I played on Mr. KABC's show (and have lovingly stashed in the Multimedia section for your writhing pleasure) will certainly enjoy this butchering of another previously well-loved classic. (Thanks to Rob for this gem as well as the next three)

A HOLIDAY MESSAGE: Barbara Feldon

What the hell ever happened to her, anyway?

FROM MAE TO YOU: Mae West

A Beatles cover, turned into a Christmas song, sung by Mae West about 3 minutes before her death. A shit sandwich if there ever was one. And what the fuck kind of Christmas present comes C.O.D.?

A HOLIDAY MESSAGE: Jack Webb

Jack wants you to mail those holiday packages early, so people will think you're a "mellow fellow".

MELE KALIKIMAKA: Davy Jones

Still not sure what the hell this guy knows about Hawaii, but I'm not all that convinced this stupid ass song has anything to do with Christmas. So let's call it a draw.

LITTLE MARY CHRISTMAS: Roger Christian

Orphans, dead parents, lonely children at Christmas, morose spoken word recordings, everything you love about the holidays. Move the turkey over so you can fit your head in the oven.

GET YOUR DREIDEL ON: Pudie Tadow

I have no idea what the hell is going on with this one. They don't sound very chosen to me.

LITTLE DRUMMER BOY: The Bomboras

Kind of a "Ventures" style surfer cover. It makes sense when you think about it. Because, you know, Jesus loved to surf and everything.

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER: Tiny Tim

I know you aren't supposed to speak ill of the dead.

Man, I really wish he was alive.

OTHER NEW MUSIC

To download any of these mind-numbing delicacies, visit the Multimedia section, and scroll down to the category marked "Celebrities Who Insist on Singing".

CALL ME: Bai Ling
BELIEVE: Morgan Fairchild

I must offer my sincere thanks to long time ex-listener Andre for these two tracks, which were painstakingly culled from the VH1 series, "But Can They Sing?" I think we can all agree on the answer to that one.

It's hard to know which of these two can rightfully be called "Most Alarming". Certainly Bai Ling has a lock on the more obvious, mentally challenged delivery one might expect from someone deprived of oxygen at birth. But let's not count out Morgan Fairchild, who, despite being accompanied by a huge coterie of back-up singers, refuses to be drowned out. Six of one, as they say.

I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANYTHING BUT LOVE: Joe Pesci and Marisa Tomei
TAKE YOUR LOVE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR BIG FAT ASS: Joe Pesci

We have my boyfriend John to thank for these two tracks, taken off a CD called, "Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just For You".

When John first told me about this CD, I did not believe him. I couldn't accept the idea that Joe Pesci would actually record an album as his character from "My Cousin Vinny". It just didn't register.

It turns out to be very much true. It's a little like when Garth Brooks pretended to be hot as Chris Gaines, but it's even sadder. Especially since Academy Award winner Marisa Tomei joins him in a really ugly duet, reprising her character as whatever-her-name-was. Makes you want to bathe.

To download either of the tasteless and wildy offensive tracks below, visit the Multimedia section, and scroll down to the category marked "Too Weird To Classify".

MY WASHING MACHINE: Sikk
SIREN: Sex Alarm

When John and I were in Amsterdam last month, we made it a point to visit a music store. I always like to get local music when I'm in another country. I have found some breath taking things that way.

The clerk at the store (who, in retrospect, was probably stoned) highy recommended a CD called Techno 2005. I like trance and electronica, so I thought he was turning us onto something good.

It wasn't until we got home and John put this thing on that I realized how good it really was. And by good, of course I mean terrible.

In my experience, I have found that many other countries will buy off on anything American. As much as they hate us, they want to be us more than anything. Just the fact that it's spoken or written in the English language automatically makes it cool, whether they understand it or not.

I am willing to believe that the people who made these two tracks had no idea what they were saying. It may not be true, but let's just go with it.

Don't play these at work.

A LETTER FROM AFTRA

The other day, I got a letter in the mail from my good old union, AFTRA. The letter was basically asking that we members follow a certain protocol when paying our membership dues online.

At least, I think that's what it said.

Good job, AFTRA. Thanks for putting your best face forward, and being so professional. It makes me feel really confident that you're representing me at the bargaining table.

Fortunately, my dues continue to rise as my benefits decrease, and when I get letters like this, I can see where every penny is going: underwriting English as a Second Language courses for the adminstrative staff.

It's heartwarming, really. I don't even remember that strike a few years ago, when they put us all out of work for months just to get a $7 increase on radio spots. I'm just proud as hell to be a part of this asshole, piece of shit, second rate union year after year. I'd like to run for office someday, but I'm afraid my ability to spell might give me an unfair advantage.

AND FINALLY . . .

There are two newly archived shows, though one of them seems to be incomplete.

The 9:00 and 10:00 hours of the 9/30 show are up. Mr. KABC says during the 10:00 hour that we started the show that night at 6:00, so I guess that means I'm missing two hours. If you happen to have them, let me know.

I really like the last hour of this show, since the Mystery Guest was my best friend Roy. We get onto a GREAT rant about Heather Mills McCartney and her run in with J Lo, and it could be some of the funniest radio I've ever been involved in.

I have also archived the 11/25 show, which seems to be another four hour marathon of non-stop something or other. I'm in the middle of archiving it now, so I'll keep you posted.