April Winchell

Brenna has been sent home. A grateful nation breathes a collective sigh of relief. The long, dark crisis has passed.Okay, it was only a few weeks, but it seemed much longer. Especially when Brenna Gethers is allowed to sing “Last Dance” twice in the span of three days on national television.

Speaking of which, I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of her singing, “When I’m bad, I’m so so bad” and, “It’s my last dance tonight”. Perhaps future contestants would do well to stay away from songs that may prove prophetic, such as “Leaving on a Jet Plane” or “I’m a Loser”.

And speaking of losers, Paula Abdul is unravelling like a cheap sweater. What in God’s name is happening to that woman?

I have often suggested on the Mr. KABC show that there could be something pharmaceutical going on there, but it’s hard to tell with her. Yes, she could be on a Pfizer cocktail, but it could simply be that she’s witless. Tough call.

Last night though, she made it pretty plain that she should not be on “American Idol” as much as “Intervention”, and I certainly hope she gets her deal memo soon. It was probably her darkest moment, not counting her marriage to Emilio Estevez.

She was completely out of her mind, and obviously drunk or stoned or both. It was as terrifying as some of that old Judy Garland footage near the end, where she was just disintegrating. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb right now and predict that clips from last night will be used as “turning point” footage in the Paula Abdul “E! True Hollywood Story”.

I can see it now, played over and over again in slow motion . . . her half-lidded eyes, weird gestures, inexplicable jewelry. Maybe they’ll take all the color out too, so it’s black and white, And they’ll put Simon’s voice over it, heavy on the reverb, and he’ll be saying, “I told the producers it was the beginning of the end, but they chalked it up to Simon being Simon.” Maybe Corey Clark can narrate the whole thing.

Wow. I’m giving myself chills.

But back to Brenna.

There is something to be learned here. Arrogance is fine when you have the goods. But over-confidence coupled with no-talent is a rough combination. In fact, I can only think of one person it ever worked for.

And speaking of terrible ideas . . .

Transamerican Idol

I can’t believe this has flown under the radar so long. I actually stumbled across it myself while looking for a news story. It just showed up as an ad on the side of the page, and I was so stunned I had to click on it, just to see if it was as nightmarish as I suspected. I was not disappointed

Let me start by saying that I think it’s a fair assumption Felicity Huffman doesn’t need money. She’s on a formerly interesting but still hugely popular television show. She’s married to William H. Macy. She makes movies.Let me also further point out that she is in an important phase of her career. She won an Emmy last year, and is nominated for an Academy Award.

It should follow then, that she doesn’t need to do commercials of any kind, nor should she be doing shit.

So someone please explain to me why she is doing the shittiest ad campaign in the history of commerce. Not run-of-the-mill shit, mind you, but bad shit. Shit so smelly, you can only see it on the internet. And that should tell you something right there.

Forget for the moment that the campaign is for a skin care product so marginal, you can buy it at Von’s. Forget that it’s centered around the idea of cutting Ms. Huffman into old sitcoms. Forget that even though she plays herself, she’s portrayed as a single mom (I guess Bill read the scripts and opted out). And I dare you to forget, if you can, that these horribly executed pieces are directed by PENNY MARSHALL.

Now you just go on and take a look at these Night Time Classics with Felicity Huffman and you see if you can explain any of this to me.

And while you’re working on answers, work on this: where is management? Where are the people who make 15% of her money to say, “Felicity, honey. No. This is wrong.” Where are those people? Where are the people to remind her that in a year when you’re nominated for an Academy Award, you don’t do webisodes where you’re talking to Herman Munster?

This is not the kind of thing you do on the way up. This is the kind of thing you do on the way out. This is the kind of thing that Meg Ryan should be doing. For the exposure.

And if they had waited a few months, they probably could have gotten Paula Abdul.