April Winchell

Contest

Well, by now you probably know how I feel about those fucking Citibank billboards. I absolutely loathe them.

I vented my revulsion with these billboards with Mr. KABC a few weeks ago. After seeing these bullshit folsky loads for months, I finally reached my breaking point. In case you missed it, here’s a clip from that discussion.

Frankly, I didn’t think they could get any worse. I thought they had reached terminal velocity, and they’d become less offensive as they choked out their last spurts of homey goo. Unfortunately, my boyfriend John found a new cache of these hideous things this morning, on the Citibank web site’s “Press Room”, no less. There they were, twenty-plus new executions, some in Chinese and Spainish, so every ethnic group could be offended by this phoney pap.

Hard to say which one makes me angrier; the one where the cretins at Citibank pretend to give a rat’s ass about your cholesterol, or the one where the financial behemoth reminds you to spend more time with your kids.

Let’s get something straight. Citibank doesn’t care if your kid is dying in some shit-smeared public cancer ward, they want their fucking payment NOW. You think they’re going to wait until you finish doing puppet shows for the kids at the library before they take that house out from under you? I don’t think so.

Fortunately, John is a very talented computer artist, and he uses his superpowers for good.

And that got me thinking.

This bullshit advertising has gone unchallenged long enough. Maybe what we need right about now is a contest. A go fuck yourself, Citibank sort of contest.

I call it, The Go Fuck Yourself Citibank Contest.

Here’s what you do. Give me the Citibank billboard line you’d like to see, and John will make it look like a real life billboard. Maybe we’ll even Photoshop it into a nice outdoor street scene, just to make it look pretty.

Enter as many lines as you like. We’ll post all the best ones, and we’ll put our favorites on T-shirts.