April Winchell

I opened my mailbox this afternoon, and was delighted to discover the the latest issue of Star Magazine.

As you probably know, I love Star Magazine, because without it, we would have nothing to read on the toilet.

I examined the cover as I walked to the elevator, and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the item in the lower right hand corner.

Take a look at this, and tell me what the hell is going on.

Seriously, how fucking weird is that?

Two daughters of the two most famous ventriloquists in history, with the same disease? In the voice box? Well, technically, Candice just had a "scare", so I win. But still, it's pretty odd.

I've always wanted to meet Candice Bergen, because I think we could have an extremely interesting conversation. And now, with this latest bombshell, well, we're practically mano a mano here. But I don't know anyone who knows her, and I have no idea how to get to her without breaking some sort of pesky privacy law.

So if you know her, or are her, or are her handler, or even see her at a car wash and feel like making this happen, let's get this party started.

TERRIBLE NEWS

I'm afraid I have some terrible, terrible, heartbreaking news.

I opened my email a little while ago, and saw this notice.

I am of course, feeling a million different feelings. Rage, heartbreak, disappointment, horror . . . just a petrie dish of emotions, as only Jack Klugman can create in me.

Now, however, I'm just pissed.

And I'll tell you why.

When I posted that I was bidding on this yesterday, the visitor counter at the bottom of the auction read 32. Now look at it! Almost 500 people have ogled this damn thing, and I can only blame myself.

But who exactly IS this, "hoban1"? I decided to do a little checking, and discovered that he won this auction.

Which means he's a dirty hippie.