April Winchell

John and I went to Ikea yesterday. John is going to Burning Man next week, and he was looking for some cheap chairs and things to take along.

I cannot really process how cheap Ikea is. The furniture is almost disposable. We saw folding chairs for $8 and a TV stand for $14. That might be cheaper than the Salvation Army. And you can't get meatballs at a thrift store. Well, you might be able to, but I don't want to know about it.

Let me give you an idea of how cheap Ikea really is.

I used to live in a place in downtown Los Angeles called The Brewery; a compound of live/work loft spaces in the old Pabst Blue Ribbon Factory. It was a pretty funky place populated by sculptors, metal workers, painters and other creative people. Everyone who lived there was an artist of some kind, and therefore, starving.

The dumpster at the Brewery was magic. Nothing stayed in it for more than a few minutes. No matter what you threw away, someone would come along almost immediately and retrieve it, so that it could be used to make art or housing. I remember throwing away a broken box spring one afternoon, and coming home later that day to see that one of my neighbors had turned it into their front gate.

In all the time I lived there, I only saw two exceptions to the magic dumpster. A giant jar of Bok Choi that even the homess people walked away from, and anything from Ikea. I think they figured that shit was so cheap, it was actually economically unsound to make the effort to take it out of the trash.

Quality issues notwithstanding, I like Ikea. I think they've done a really good job of being modern and functional, with only a few hideous missteps. So I was surprised to read an article a while ago that said that in Sweden, Ikea is basically viewed as a shithole on par with Big Lots. No self respecting Sven or Gnorkja would set foot in an Ikea, no matter how perfectly a knsnorjen would fit under the frl.

In my mind, however, there are only two real failures in the Ikea canon.

First and foremost, their birch veneer, which looks like a Xerox of a Polaroid of fake panelling, glued onto cardboard. Calling that "cheap looking" is an insult to anything cheap looking, and you'll be hearing from Kellie Pickler's lawyers.

Secondly, and perhaps most relevant to my current preoccupation, Ikea's toy selection.

I have never seen such horrible playthings in my entire life. Stiff, wire based toys, covered in bristly fabric that looks like it was specifially developed to cause an allergic reaction. And what child in their right mind wants to play with a plush ant? Gee, that looks fun. How about a felt virus?

SKLAR: Please muttir, can I have the Paramecium?
KLUNJ: Nay, Sklar, I just bought you a Lesion!

I was thinking about toys when we made our way downstairs, to the Ikea Marketplace. In a moment of complete of serendipity, I happened upon a pile of $3.99 Polarvides, which are brightly colored thin fleece blankets made for twin beds. Are you following me?

That's over three square yards of fabric, soft, fluffy, colorful fabric, for $3.99. I bought one on every color. Including green.

In other news, I made my first . . . person Well, I guess it's a person. All I know for sure is that his pants are awfully high-waisted.

He reminds me a little of those old guys shuffling around the lawn care section of Home Depot. It seems the older some men get, the higher their pants get. I think at some point, you're just a pair of Wranglers with a head on them.