April Winchell

By now you all know the bad luck that has befallen Pluto. Scientists have concluded that it isn't as important as were previously led to believe, demoting it from a "classical planet" to a "dwarf planet". Much like Star Jones.

But that's neither here nor there.

What really got my attention this morning was this little nugget, buried in some online article on the subject:

According to NASA, the old mnemonic device to remember the names of the solar system (such as "My Very Energetic Mother Just Showed Us New Pickles") will no longer work, but the good news is people just have to drop the last word now.

Oh really? Is that really all we have to do? Just drop the last word?

So we're teaching our children, what, exactly now? "My Very Energetic Mother Just Showed Us New?" Is that it? Is that the best we can do?

Will no one speak for the children?

Well, of course, this is just ridiculous. If we, as a nation, can't think of a good acronym to keep our kids in school and off of the crack, then what exactly are we doing with our fancy educations and our $100 haircuts? Riddle me that, why don't you?

Clearly, I think we can raise the bar. And I challenge you to step the fuck up, right now, and do what has to be done.

Post your suggestions here in this blog, and we'll just see if we can't do a little better than those peckerheads at NASA. Or should I say, "Nas"?

Thank You For Being a Friend

In other news, the the craft making is coming along nicely. I even got ambitious yesterday and tried to do something a little more sophisticated. I decided to try to make a few things with more "hair".

This is going to surprise you, but there is a dearth of information on making doll hair on the internet. I know, I couldn't believe it either, especially when you can find 35,000 stories of people masturbating on stuffed dolphins in about half a second.

Don't challenge me.

Anyway, the only information I could find was a tutorial about gluing yarn wigs on patchwork dolls, and that wasn't going to happen. I'm not Half-Pint and this isn't the prairie.

John suggested something about "dreadlocks". I don't have any idea how to make those, but I gave it a shot.

I'm not sure how I feel about the hair. I think it may be trying too hard and I may be done with it. I think I prefer the really spare kind of thread hair, which just looks more to me like something a kid with special needs might sew. Sort of a "Boo Radley" Collection.

And finally, my last experiment of the day came about after John's trip to the thrift store.

As I mentioned yesterday, John is going to Burning Man next week. I've never been, but I'm told that part of the joy of the experience is putting on flowing garments and wandering around in the desert. I always thought that was being a Jew, but what do I know.

Anyway, one of the items John brought home yesterday was this smashing black jacket, very loose, made of some kind of thin, stretchy fabric woven with sparkly silver threads. It's just terrifying; the kind of thing Rue McLanahan might wear to play craps at Mohegan Sun. And of course it looks fantastic on him, because he's a winter.

In any event, he asked me to cut the sleeves off for him and make it into a vest, try to butch it up a little, which I respected. And after I did that, I looked at the extra fabric on the table, all sparkly and cheeseball, and only one thing came to mind.

Liza.

This one is particularly good, I think, because I balled up batting and made ass cheeks in the back. And since the fabric is stretchy, it makes a remarkable cameltoe in the front.

Put away the dolphin, boys. There's a new girl in town.