April Winchell

Holy shit this is exciting.

The new Winchies are here, and will be going up on eBay tomorrow at about 6:00 PM.

Now, you know me. I like to be on the cutting edge of things. I like to spot the trends, see what's going on in the world, and jump right on that. That's how I roll.

So what's the hottest thing right now?

Go on, I'll wait.

Yes. That's right, that's absolutely right.

Friends, for a limited time, you can adopt your own African orphan Winchie. There are about 20 of them over here, an even mix of boys and girls, and they need your love. They even come with their own beautifully designed adoption papers. And each and every one wears a Kabbalah bracelet!

Yes, these are . . . .

ORPHANS FOR THE REST OF US©

Think about it. These orphans can be yours for just a fraction of the cost of buying an actual child. And you don't have to pay off any government officials or wait on those long lists that regular people have to be on. And since you don't have to feed them or take care of them, you can fire the nanny. You can even leave them in the car when you do Pilates!

As you know, I donate a percentage of the profits from these guys to charity. Last time we raised $500 for Project Angel Food. This time, we'll be making a contribution to Toys For Tots, a charity that enriches the lives of AMERCIAN children.

I'm not trying to take anything away from the African kids, mind you. But they have Madonna and Angelina and Brad and Bono and Gwenyth and all of those gasbags with their red Amex cards and their bullshit gap ads, and damn it, where are the overpaid, self-obsessed narcissistic blow hards for our kids here at home? Nowhere, that's where!

Well, I mean technically, Tom Cruise kind of counts since he adopted two American kids. But he's really scary, and I wouldn't wish that intergalactic hell on anyone. Jesus, that has to make my childhood look like the teddy bear's picnic.

And speaking of my childhood, I'll also be putting up a few canceled checks and other documents signed by my father. There are a few bits of memorabilia from The Lucy Show and The Banana Splits, as well as a check he wrote to pay for the schoolbus service. He even wrote "daughter April Winchell" on it, so I have proof of my existence now.

And finally, I have another set of toys available tomorrow. But I'll let that be a surprise for you. I think you'll really like them. I only made 5 of them, though, so bid up!

I'll post a link the auctions in this blog tomorrow when they go live.