Oh, I have so many lovely treats for you today!
As you know, I have some pretty terrible mp3s on my site. I’ve been collecting them for close to 7 years, around the time I started doing a radio show on KFI.
This collection is significant for me, because it reflects my deep and abiding love of all things delusional and wrong. It’s hard to put into words, but the feeling I get listening to these misguided efforts is just the greatest rush imaginable, and I am compelled to spread the good word like an evangelist.
So it stands to reason that my nearly religious devotion to this music would reach a fever pitch this time of year. After all, there are manger scenes populated by mannequins on Pacific Coast Highway, and living nativities for hire with actual babies. And all that cheese seems to melt together in a beautiful fondue of bad judgement.
Today, I present the sound track to that miasma of holiday hell, or more accurately, three soundtracks.
Yes, I have helpfully arranged a bounty of all new mp3s into three suggested CD compilations. Choose the one that suits your mood the best, or download everything and mix and match. These are just serving suggestions, after all.
Shitman’s Sampler
A nauseatingly sweet selection of all your sugary favorites: adults pretending to be children, adults pretending to be children with speech impediments and real children who can’t sing, bleating in monotone. Guaranteed to rot your teeth!
Santa Claus, Will You Please Come Tonight? (Doug Lewis)
Walking Talking Christmas Tree (Gene London)
Christmas Cookies and Holiday Hearts (The Caroleer Singers)
All Are Waiting For Christmas (Tommy Christy)
All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth (Unknown)
A Kill Yourself Christmas
Everything you love about the holidays: orphans, terminal illness, dead parents, abject poverty and institutionalized children. Move the turkey over so there’s room in the oven for your head!
An Orphan Christmas (Clare Lane)
Lonliest Night Of The Year (the Idle Few)
Christmas Without Daddy (Joe Walega and His Happy Hearts)
The Christmas Dolly (Little Betty Ashley and J. W. Thompson)
Debbie’s Last Christmas (Nancy LaPlante)
Just Three Letters for Christmas (Walter Brennan)
Get the Fuck Out
They’ve eaten your food, insulted your spouse, complained about their gifts and now they’re farting on your couch. Throw this CD on and they’ll suddenly have to get up early. Drive safe!
Merry Christmas (Gordon Thomas)
Mamacita, Donde Esta Santa Claus? (Charo)
Jingle Bell Hustle (Wayne Newton)
Happy Birthday, Jesus (Major Bill Smith and Nancy Nolte)
Here Comes Santa Claus In Black (Voicedude)
If you want more, remember that the Seasonal Favorites category in the Multimedia section is online again, and there were already over 60 terrible holiday mp3s there for the taking. Of course, I wouldn’t advise you go through those unless you’re already horribly depressed, as some tracks will effectively rob you of the will to live.
If, on the other hand, your masochism knows no bounds, help yourself to Otis Fodder’s remarkable holiday compilation. Many of the fine songs you see here were looted from his site without so much as a reach-around.
Finally, a beautiful piece of tape by one of my favorites songsmiths, singing one of my favorite songs. All right, it’s not technically a Christmas clip, but some things know no season.
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