April Winchell

I read online yesterday that Paris Hilton may have gotten implants.

Let’s decide for ourselves, shall we?

Here’s a glamour shot confiscated from her storage unit (sensitively retouched for family hour):

As you can plainly see, Paris has very little going on upstairs. And her tits aren’t very big either.

Now let’s look at a more recent shot, taken during a Redbull and Adderall fueled blowjob tournament at Hyde:

Whoa.

Now, I don’t know much about a whole host of subjects, but I do know tits. And these are not hers.

I mean, they’re hers in that she purchased them and has the paperwork. But these are not original equipment. These are definitely after-market tits.

Frankly, I think it’s wonderful news. For all of us. Anything to take the focus off that lazy eye.

Speaking of which, doesn’t it seem to you that fixing that wonky peeper might have been a better use of Gore-Tex? Seriously, How do you look at yourself everyday in the mirror over your bed and not think, “Damn, I really have a Popeye thing going on”?

Clearly, she’d look much better if both eyes were part of the same face. I guess the biggest obstacle would be choosing which eye to change.

She could go with the obvious, and get a sort of fresh-faced Teen People thing:

Or she could swap out the good eye for more of a Lucy Liu flavor:

Interesting, don’t you think? That’s probably my favorite. It almost makes her look like she’s thinking about something. Which as you know, is clinically impossible.

And while she’s under the knife, she might ask them to take a little off the Witchiepoo vibe:

Look at the transformation! She’s delicate and feminine. You could almost envision her using a napkin instead of a sleeve. Why, she’s the living embodiment of Grace Kelly, if Grace Kelly did coke off the back of the toilet.

By the way, that’s actually Nicole Kidman’s nose. I just grafted it on there, because I don’t have a job.

And this brings me to a conversation John and I had in Target the other day.

We were browsing through the books and magazines, when John pointed to Christian Bale on the cover of some entertainment rag.

“Why doesn’t he fix that?”, he asked.

I looked at the magazine but I didn’t see what he was referring to. So John carefully pointed to an area near Christian Bale’s right eye. I was stunned.

I never noticed it before, but apparently Christian Bale has a Rice Krispie stuck to his face.

This is one of life’s biggest mysteries.

I will never understand why famous people, who make their living being photographed, don’t fix obvious flaws that distract the audience from the work they do.

This doesn’t really apply to Paris Hilton, I suppose, since she doesn’t actually work. And the films she’s famous for don’t have much to do with her face.

To be fair, it doesn’t really apply to Christian Bale either, since a little thing like that is hardly noticeable.

But what the hell is Russell Crowe’s excuse?

How do you ignore that? That fat knot between his eyebrows is just enormous. It’s becoming another face. He’s got a conjoined twin up there, for God’s sake. He could star in The Odd Couple by himself.

Do you see how much better he looks without it? You have to agree it’s an improvement, and there’s just no excuse for not taking care of it. He could zip into the dermatologist and have that thing scooped out with a melon baller in 10 minutes.

Now, I know some of you reading this will say that flaws are human and give us character, and to a certain extent, I agree. I’m not suggesting that everyone get their brows lifted into an expression of permanent surprise. I don’t think every woman over 40 needs to have her skin rubbed off with a grinder or have acid painted onto her face. I don’t have a problem with laugh lines, gray hair and imperfect bodies, and in fact, I think many celebrities have actually ruined their appearance in the quest for youthful perfection.

But that’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about this.

Seriously, what the fuck is that?

Go ahead, make a case for leaving that thing intact with a straight face. Bring it on.