April Winchell

Dear God, am I happy to see Chris Sligh go. I haven’t been this relieved since Antoileta Barba went back to bible college to make web cam porn.

I just never warmed up to him. I tried, in my own way. But in the end, it was just way too much work. And let’s face it, if I wanted to work, I’d get a job.

For me, it started with the hair. That was a problem. But I hung in there, because I really believed that once the stylists got involved, the Raggedy Andy thing would be over.

But it never happened.

And while we’re on the subject, what the hell is with the stylists this season? Are they all overwhelmed with finding enormous jewelry for Paula? Because the rest of the cast could use a little attention. No one looks good. No one.

Do you remember how they made Clay Aiken look almost male? And how much better Elliot looked once they made him lose the Amish haircut? How about when they pushed Kelly Clarkson away from the Ho-Hos and put her in a pair of heels? That was some Hollywood Magic™, right there.

So what the hell is going on this year? Who is letting Haley Scarnato wear those hideous clothes? It looks like they let her loose in a Jersey mall with a gold card. And I’m sorry, but Phil Stacey needs a lot more help than a newsboy cap. At least take away his eyebrow pencil.

And I’m also going to say no to the horrible dresses they’ve been shoveling poor La Kisha in. Give the woman a jacket, for God’s sake. No one needs that many tits.

Anyway, the makeover Chris needed just never came, and it was too bad. John and I just kept waiting for the flat iron to come out, because we really believed at some point, they would give him the Meatloaf treatment.

Of course, there’s no guarantee that would have helped him, but it would have been something. As it was, he had zero star quality. Week after week, we watched him shuffle out in those dumpy, big boy jeans, looking less like an idol than the guy who works in the warehouse with the My other car is a Millenium Falcon sticker on his Torino.

In the end, there was just too much to overlook. You could get past the hair, you could get past the weight, you could even get past the fact that he went to Bob Jones University, if you had enough to drink.

But what I never could get past, the thing that sealed his fate for me, was the lisp.

That is really one of my biggest irritations as far as the media goes; people with obvious speech impediments who insist on singing or being on the radio. How does that happen?

As someone who has toiled in the bowels of the industry for the last 200 years, I know firsthand how much criticism and scrutiny you endure on your way to the middle.

So how is it that these lispers and spitters never had one teacher, one counselor, one agent, one parent who said, “You know what Sylvester? You’re going to need to get that fixed or we’re fitting you for a sneeze guard.” I’m just asking.

And before you jump over to your little anonymous hotmail.hate account and tell me what a bitch I am to mock the differently speeched, let me tell you that I HAD A LISP for many years, and I got over it. I worked until I learned to speak properly, and now, all these years later, I’ve been banned from KABC radio.

So don’t tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about.

I really have no idea what I’m talking about. I may have had a stroke and I’m just free-associating.

I know, let’s have a little Celebrity Math! Today’s equation is a little different, because I’m starting with the answer, and showing you how I got there.

Speaking of KABC, longtime ex-listener and web visitor Kelly sent me this lovingly crafted cartoon, depicting my recent dust-up with 790 AM:

Isn’t that fantastic? I might have to put it on a T-shirt.And while we’re talking about talk radio…

ON THE AIR TOMORROW!

I’ll be on the air tomorrow afternoon with Mr. K, talking about whatever the hell I can fit into an hour. I’ve already blown my Chris Sligh wad, so God knows what will happen.Tune into KTLK AM 1150 at 5:00 PM, or listen to live streaming here.