April Winchell

STATEMENT FROM NBC NEWS

Effective immediately, MSNBC will no longer simulcast the “Imus in the Morning” radio program. What matters to us most is that the men and women of NBC Universal have confidence in the values we have set for this company. This is the only decision that makes that possible. Once again, we apologize to the women of the Rutgers basketball team and to our viewers. We deeply regret the pain this incident has caused.

* * *

Well, our long national nightmare is over.

As we sit with our families tonight, slowly healing from this terrible ordeal, we are filled with gratitude. And we have so many people to thank.

Thank you, NBC/Universal. Thank you for upholding the values you have set for your company by firing Don Imus.

Some people might say you would have better upheld those values by dumping the NBCUni show, Maury; a program that exploits the absolute dregs of the black community, and plays squarely into every stereotype imaginable.

But what do they know? Taking Don Imus off the air just as he was about to start two days of fundraising for cancer-stricken children makes a much stronger statement about your values.

Thank you, Al Sharpton, for showing us that apologies are not meant to be accepted from white people, and not to be offered by black people. Give our best to Tawana.

Thank you, Al Roker, for taking time away from the important job of reading weather reports someone else wrote for you, in order to hoist your fat ass onto the race-baiting bandwagon. Thank you for showing us that the quickest way to elevate yourself is to step on the back of someone who is already down.

Thank you, Barack Obama, for supporting the silencing of someone who has offended you. Your commitment to the sanctity of the first amendment is positively presidential. And what a wonderful message you’ve sent to the black youth of this country: Jokes matter.

Let stupid comments rob you of your self esteem. Give every asshole the power to spoil your accomplishments. Yes, Mr. Obama, you are truly a beacon of all that is possible in their lifetime.

And while we’re on the subject, thank you, Rutgers Womens Basketball Team, for being persuaded to be hurt by a joke that a ten year old would laugh off. How hard it must have been for a group of strong, smart, empowered women to bow to pressure to feel degraded by a witless crack from an old white guy. Thank you for allowing the spotlight to hypnotize you into submission, so we could have this important national dialogue.

And thank you, American media, because now that you have purged MSNBC of racial insensitivity, it stands to reason that every network, every radio station, every movie studio and every record label will follow suit!

Goodybye, Black America Radio! Farewell, Spike Lee! So long, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Tyler Perry, Bill Cosby and every black comedian who has ever worked in any medium!

Gone is Mel Gibson, Jesse “Hymie-town” Jackson, Carlos Mencia, Lisa Lampanelli, Howard Stern, Don Rickles and anyone else who has ever uttered a word of derision, joking or otherwise, about any person of any race or religion.

It feels good, doesn’t it?

Well, it gets better. Because now, it’s our turn!

We can’t hold public figures to this standard if we ourselves are unable or unwilling to do our part. Even in private, our jokes and asides carry the potential danger of hurting someone’s feelings. And if this episode has taught us anything, it is that hurt feelings are the most important thing there is. Sticks and stones may break our bones, but names are an actionable offense.

And so we will vow to make no jokes about Asian drivers, cheap Jews and Mexicans selling oranges by the side of the freeway. In fact, such remarks will be reported, and offenders will lose their jobs – no matter how many years of service and charitable work they may have provided. That is what being accountable is all about.

But we’re not done yet. For us to really change, we must examine the insensitivity in all things exclusionary:

• How does Black History Month make Hispanic people feel?
• Why can’t Asian people go to the bank on Martin Luther King Day?
• Why is there a BET, but no VET for Vietnamese people?
• Are Jewish people offended by Shamrock Shakes?
• Why is there no United Caucasian College Fund?
• How can there be an NFL when Muslims are opposed to pigskin?

Sure, it will be a lot of work to rid ourselves of all our differences. But slowly, we will make our society completely homogenized and flavorless; a bland, vanilla sludge where everyone is the same.

Where there are no individuals, there can be no discrimination.
Where there is no point of view, there can be no disagreement.
Where there is no freedom, there can be no trespass.

I know. It’s a pipe dream.

But NBCUni is making it happen, one show at a time.