April Winchell

Man, I just don’t want to do anything right now. Seriously.

It’s hot, I’m cranky, I have too many things to do and I have a cold. All I really want to do is go into the bedroom with the dogs and watch TV, but even that sounds like hell.

First of all, everything good is over for the season, or over for good. We’re in that weird twilight of summer replacements and lackluster time fillers, and I haven’t got it in me.

What, am I supposed to get all jacked up about Top Chef? Who fucking cares about Padhma Lakshi and whether the balsamic vinegar worked on the zambaglione? Jesus, it just makes me want to poke my eyes out with fondue forks.

I mean, think about it. Eating is just about the most insular kind of experience you can have. At least with a show like Project Runway you can actually see what’s being judged and have an opinion about it. But a bunch of people tasting stuff? What’s the fucking point?

Hey, I know! How about a new show called By a Nose, where a bunch of perfumers compete for a deal with Avon? That would work, right? You get people like Anna Wintour and Posh Beckham to walk around and smell stuff, and then they can use words like, “woodsy”.

Or better yet, how about a show called Hands On!, where an all-star panel votes for the world’s best massage? You’d have judges like Dina Lohan and Bruce Jenner getting hot rock treatments, and we’d zoom in on their closed eyes as they listen to Kenny G. Then they’d sit around in towels afterward and weigh in.

“I enjoyed Summer’s Lomi Lomi treatment, but I was distracted by her use of Ylang Ylang.”

Great, right?

And when people get voted off, Dina can look at them and say, “Sorry, but for you, there is no happy ending.”

And you’d have all the archetypes; the lesbian with something to prove, the straight man in a gay world, the ballsy homemaker, the stupid girl who cries on the phone to her dad every night . . . oh, it practically writes itself!

Anyway, I’m completely out of energy and I have nothing to offer you. I can’t even decide if I want to post the show from Sunday.

Instead, I’m going to try to finish a piece for you that I started last week. It’s a podcast of sorts, and a concept I haven’t seen done before.

It’s a collaboration I’m doing with a voice over actor I know. We’ve each done our parts separately, with no knowledge of what the other has done, and now I’m editing them together.

It will either be brilliant or terrifying, and I’ll settle for either.

I’ll keep you posted. My goal is to have it up by Sunday.