The other day I was in the supermarket with John, and I saw Anne Hathaway on the cover of a magazine.
I stopped and stared. There was something just kind of . . . wrong with it. She seemed so weirdly out of proportion that I pointed it out to John.
“Jesus Christ,” I said, “did they Photoshop the eyes on her?”, because I swear to you, she looks like a Keene painting.
And John said, “No, she always looks like that.” And I realized he was probably right.
When I got home, I remembered a story I read a while ago, about babies.
It seems that when we’re born, our eyes are almost completely developed. It only takes a little while for the cornea to grow to adult size. That’s why babies seem to have such big eyes; they have adult-sized eyeballs in their little heads.
And I thought, what the hell could Anne Hathaway’s parents have been seeing?
I mean, seriously! That had to be frightening, seeing that big-eyed Cabbage Patch motherfucker flopping around on the table. You know they had to sedate the mother.
Celebrity Math!
DISCLAIMER: I have nothing against Anne Hathaway. This isn’t personal. I’m sure she’s a fine actress and God knows we needed another Jane Austen movie.
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