April Winchell

From: Ellen

Hey, if you like Christopher Walken reciting poetry, you’ll LOVE watching him cook a chicken.

Well, there you go. Quality infotainment. I just wonder if he hid his watch up there.

Heh.

All right, let’s move on, shall we? I can’t sit here and pretend to be clever all day. I have things to do.

From: Steve

I know you’ve been working your mouse to its proverbial bone, but there are two songs from recent radio shows that bring my day to a screeching halt: That’s Why I’m Dumping You, Bitch and Colors of the Wind. A full-quality version of each (with artist credit) would be a gift that keeps on giving.

I’m reminded of a quote; “Sometimes when God gives us a gift, He forgets to wrap it.”

Well, that is a beautiful quote, Steve, and I can only hope you have it worked into a piece of needlepoint somewhere in your trailer.

The first song you requested is actually called The Sensitive Song, and is sung by Stephen Lynch. I’m going to* convert it into an mp3 for you, and post it in the library. Won’t that be good?

*Notice I said, going to. Because it’s not happening today.

However, I have uploaded Marla Weiner’s jaw-dropping version of Colors of the Wind to the MP3 Library. You’ll find it under “Completely Fucking Awful”.

I’m a little sad about that track though. A Google search has revealed that it’s a put-on by an actress named Marla Mindelle.

I guess I’m always sad when something I think is real and terrible turns out to be fake and terrible.

Search and Destroy

I went to a web site yesterday that generates reports on your traffic and readership. These reports let you see where most of your visitors come from, and what they click on. That can be very helpful, because it allows you to give people more of what they want, and less of what they don’t.

You know, if you give a rat’s ass.

What really got my attention were the search results.

These are the terms that people put into Google or Yahoo, and lead them to my little corner of the web. Seeing what searches yield the most hits tells me what people are looking for, and I can use that information to get more readers!

Let’s take a look, shall we?

Very interesting.

So what have we we learned today?

“Pron” comes somewhere between French farce and Jim Nabors - as in real life.

More people want to see Elvis in his casket than Tiger Woods play golf.

Illinois citizens enjoy breast cakes and accordion sex. And having spent a weekend in Elgin, I’m not at all surprised.

Paris Hilton’s snatch is more popular than her vagina, but people still mistake the echo for yodeling.

Only 1 person is looking for Bono humor, and he still hasn’t found what he’s looking for.

0.90% of the people who come here are not gay. But they like your booty.