April Winchell

THE RETURN OF THE
FRIDAY SACK O™ CRAP!

Now that my web site is in its new home and bursting with improved usability, I’ve decided to
reinstate the Friday Sack O’ Crap™!

From: Asshole
Date: 8/23/07
Re: It’s NOT Friday

Get a calendar. Your site sucks.

Oh, you!

Yes, I’m well aware that it’s Thursday. But I’m going out of town tomorrow morning, and I don’t want to miss it!

Is that so wrong?

FIRST THINGS FIRST

I’m not going to lie to you. I have a taste for stupid magazines.

I’d like to pretend that I’m sipping Earl Grey and chuckling at something in Harper’s, but it’s more likely I’m sitting on the can, reading Star until my feet go numb.

That being said… I may have found a magazine that’s actually too stupid for me.

I picked up this month’s issue of First at Ralphs the other day, and just flung it on the conveyor belt with the rest of the garbage. What the hell, it’s $1.99. How bad could it be?

Well I got my first clue on page 4, where I saw their Smart Solutions beauty tips. I’m pretty sure I never would have thought of using strawberry Jello powder instead of lipstick, but then, I never would have thought I could save $10 per tube!

Next came the results of the reader’s poll (is smoking worse than violence? 72% said yes!), 10 “brilliant uses for pencils”, and page after page of recipes like mac and cheese and ice cream sandwiches - you know, the foods us gals really like.

But it all came together for me in the About Him column, where Dr. John Mulhall answers your most personal questions.

I laugh, but I’m worried.

Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside. Just like Jerry Lewis.

Let’s see what Dr. Mulhall has to say:

Anyway, it just goes on and on like that for a few more pages.

MORE MP3s!

And if that’s not enough (and it never is with you people), I’ve also uploaded these mp3s:

• Deven May: The Sensitive Song

• A new mp3 category: SONGS ABOUT INSANITY
- Rubber Room (Porter Wagoner)
- They’re coming to Take me Away (7 versions, including 3 foreign language covers)
- Insane (unknown ) She remembers walking in on her husband and the slut, but she doesn’t remember blowing their brains out. It happens.

• Surrey with the Fringe on Top (Marlene Dietrich: in German)

• Eleanor Rigby (John Denver)

That reminds me of a story.

I took my mother and stepfather to the Hollywood Bowl for the 4th of July one year. They never announce who the guest soloist is going to be, so it’s always a crap shoot. The first year I went, it was Patti LuPone, which was amazing. A few years later, it was Della Reese. I think that was the last time I went.

Anyway, on this particular night, it was John Denver. I had no opinion one way or the other, to be honest. I mean, I was a little disappointed that it wasn’t someone I really liked, but I was relieved that it wasnt someone I actively loathed. The two sort of canceled each other out, and I was left in neutral.

I assumed my parents felt the same way, because they were pretty quiet when he was announced. But when he started singing Calypso, my mother motioned for the binoculars.

I handed them to her and she leaned forward in her seat. She lifted them to her eyes and watched intently for the entire song. When the audience broke into applause, she put them down, and sighed with appreciation.

“What?” I whispered.

“Wow,” she said, “he has beautiful skin.”