If you’ve ever fidgeted through one of my radio “shows”, you already know that content is not my strong suit.
I don’t much care for issues. I don’t talk to interesting people, I don’t pontificate about world affairs, and I don’t interview authors about their books, largely because I can’t read.
No, I prefer to complain about nothing in particular until I’m sick to death of the sound of my own voice, and then I drive home where I’m greeted by the most wonderful man in the world who pretends my show was great, and that he wasn’t in fact, listening to the ballgame.
Nonetheless, I have a radio show tomorrow afternoon, and that means I have to find something or other to fill two hours with. So I was delighted when my friend Gina sent this to me a few hours ago.
It’s a link to a petition entitled, Christians say, Enough is Enough!, and it was created in response to Kathy Griffin’s remarks upon winning a Creative Emmy last week for Outstanding Reality Program:
“I guess hell froze over,” Griffin announced. “A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this. He had nothing to do with this. Suck it, Jesus! This award is my god now.”
Now, I suppose I could understand why a Christian would find this offensive. It’s their belief system, after all, and people tend not to have a great sense of humor about that sort of thing. Just ask the Danish newspaper that printed the Muhammed cartoons.
What confused me was the purpose of such a petition. What did these highly offended people want to achieve by saying, for the record, that the heavenly father should not be told to suck it? Is Jesus supposed to read it? What change do they expect as a result?
I’ve been scanning the signatures for a while now, and I still don’t know the answer to any of those questions. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t gotten an education.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
1. God’s hate is everywhere
Linda F. Simpson: Why is it alright to blaspheme God and not to say unkind things about homosexuals?
Linda wants to know why Christians can’t be hateful and intolerant too. Not that they aren’t already, but wouldn’t it be great to just seek to deny the rights of others without having to look for bible verses to justify it every time?
2. We won’t tolerate intolerance
Burton and Kaye Grogan: Attacks on Christianity should not be tolerated period.
Blah, blah, blah. What about the homos?
3. What about the homos?
Now you’re talking. This is a much bigger opportunity than Kathy Griffin’s immortal soul. After all, Jesus is reading this, isn’t he?
Mary Kay Culp: I’m happy to sign this petition because I’ve been upset about Kathy Griffin ever since I saw a promo on Bravo TV for her hosting the GAY PORNO AWARDS. I went to Bravo’s website and sent them an email about how disgusted I was. I know people who tell me she expresses often how much she loved her father. I really know little about her. But the gay porno awards? Unbelievable, and unbelievable that Bravo would air such a thing.
Yes, Mary Kay, it is unbelievable that the network that made Tim Gunn a star would run a program targeted to a gay audience. Beyond the pale, really.
And good for you for sending an email based on a promo you didn’t understand! Ok, maybe Bravo did not, in fact, run the Gay Porno awards (it was an episode of Kathy Griffin’s show, which focused on her hosting an adult awards show that wasn’t even televised). The important thing is you tried to get someone fired.
Which brings us to…
4. I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death my right to keep you from saying it
Frankie Peale: She should be fired.
Greg Runner: Whats good for the goose is good for the gander-Griffin must be punished like Imus.
Nancy Jenkins: If Ms. Griffin isn’t asked to apologize…and if it isn’t publicized as WIDELY as her remarks were, then you can expect to find your awards unviewed by millions of Christians. You can count on it.
And lo, the lord said unto thee, “Threaten and extort thy dissenters, or boycott until yonder business is in the shitter, for thy voice is the only voice, and all others must be threatened with unemployment unless they speak exactly as thee does.”
-Testicles, Chapter 11
5. Say what now?
Ok, I didn’t exactly get what these people were talking about, but you know, I’m half Jewish.
Anthony Patrick Mack: Its a good thing to pray for those who hate us, but when they move against us, we are not to be victims. We have a right and a duty to defend our lives, families and our property.
I must have missed the part of the story where Kathy Griffin was part of a home invasion robbery ring.
Nick Tummers: If they don’t like it, let them go to Canada!
Yeah! Nobody believes in God up there!
Kari F: I’m sick at how Hollywood continues to spit in the face of Jesus Christ! The only reason it keeps happining is because we allow it. Kathy Griffin would NEVER have dared to say anything like that about Muhammed!
Hallelujah! Speak truth to power, Kari F.! We should be blowing people up for jokes like this. We should be throwing rocks at women for singing and dancing. Well, maybe just Celine Dion. But still, it’s progress. And it’s the way Jesus likes it. It says so in the book of Moron.
Marcia Sharon Franklin: What about Sally Field also?
Heavenly Father, please tell Marcia what petition we’re on.
So those are all pretty good lessons. But I still kept wondering who came up with this petition, and what they were hoping to accomplish.
And then I saw it.
Very small, in the upper left hand corner:
Huh.
Of course I clicked on it. And it all became pretty clear at that point.
This petition was started by a theater in Pigeon Forge Tennessee, as a way to get press for their show. Yes, they too, are in “show business”. And fortunately for them, no one is starting a petition to close down their show.
At least, not yet.
From Wikipedia:
One of the theater’s main touting points is that its show features live animals such as horses, camels, sheep and even a donkey.
And so, until Ingrid Newkirk gets wind of all this, The Miracle Theater is enjoying the fruits of their labor, not yet realizing that silencing someone with a different opinion opens the door for someone else to do that to you.
And perhaps even more ironically, they are now obligated to keep Kathy Griffin’s comments alive and in the public consciousness. They themselves must repeat the very words they claim to find so offensive, and they must do it often in order to get the most value from the arrangement.
Because now, the Miracle Theater is in business with Kathy Griffin. Every hit they get on their web site, every ticket sold, every penny they rake in, every interview they give will be courtesy of Kathy Griffin.
And they have invested heavily in her. This petition was actually advertised in USA Today by way of a full page ad the company took out, at a cost of over $90,000.
$90,000 to bring out the worst specimens on the internet, the ones who give Christianity a bad name. $90,000 to put a petition in place that will go to no one, serve no one and change nothing, but gives representatives of their faith forum to write things like this:
Joe and Carol Schulte: When you say bad things about Jesus or God you are asking for trouble. I would not be surprised if Kathy dies.
Well, what did you expect? This is what happens when you reflexively fight the battles, but never stop to define the war. You become everything you rail against and worse, because you profit from the very intolerance, fear and hatred you claim to be fighting.
But then I started thinking.
What could $90,000 do in Pigeon Forge? Besides promote some shitty community theater Jesus musical full of camels and horses pissing all over the stage?
Well, I imagine a contribution that size from a Christian entity would create a lot of goodwill, and have a real impact on the community. That’s a lot of meals in shelters, a lot of new clothes for poor kids, a lot of medicine for someone who can’t afford it. Maybe even a new home for some deserving family.
Pigeon Forge is not exactly rich. The median income is $16,000, and there are a lot of poor and homeless there. They also have a fairly large population of people over the age of 65 who live alone.
Now, I will admit that I am not a religious person, so I’m ignorant about how such things work. But I would think that $90,000 from a Christian business would be better spent on services for seniors, living alone, who have probably given much of the income to local churches all their lives.
How many meals can $90,000 buy? How many visits can they get from young Christian men and women who can read to them, or do their shopping or take them to the doctor? You can buy a lot of companionship and humanity with that much money. You can invest it back into your church or organization through good works, enriching the lives of the people you touch, and insuring that future generations will follow suit, positively influenced by the examples they’ve been fortunate enough to witness.
Or, you can shovel it all into USA TODAY, and be lining tomorrow’s goat pen at Dollywood.
Congrats, Miracle Theater. Here’s to a sell-out season.
25 responses so far ↓
1 John Foley // Sep 22, 2007 at 10:30 pm
That $90,000 would go a long way towards repairing the suspension on all their Mercury Marquises, too.
The strangest thing about this whole story is that I went to high school with a kid named Greg Runner. I wonder if it’s the same guy. He was black, so I could see him being anti-Imus. But he was a big pothead, so it’s hard to imagine him getting this bent out of shape over anything. Unless he’s one of those stereotypical Jesus-creeps who only finds the Lord AFTER smoking the entire GNP of Peru.
Or it could just be someone with the same name.
2 jandu // Sep 22, 2007 at 10:38 pm
AMEN!!!!!
Beautifully written, as always
3 coasterboy // Sep 22, 2007 at 10:52 pm
It’s always about the money. Religion is always about the money and the power. I wonder how much in donations that they are raking in over this? At least enough to cover the ad, I’d suspect.
4 Saddle Magic // Sep 22, 2007 at 11:12 pm
After reading that an Emmy Award is now God, I just kind of went blank.
Maybe it was those 6 beers I just drank…
I have a “church key” on my key ring, does that count?
5 auzjeweii // Sep 22, 2007 at 11:20 pm
*applause* Well said, April.
What a bunch of asshat-wearing dumb fucks, but at least their rectal bowties match.
6 Bob // Sep 22, 2007 at 11:27 pm
Brilliant as usual, April! Nice Photoshop, too!
7 pal Jacky // Sep 23, 2007 at 12:39 am
There are a multitude of real reasons why kathy griffin should be pulled off the air and buried in the salad dressing pit. These rightous folks didn’t hit on any of them.
8 Shannon // Sep 23, 2007 at 12:58 am
Actually I think she did say some pretty offensive things about Islam when she did a show in Iraq for the troops.
It got her press and thank Jesus that people like this keep the topic going or we all would have forgotten about this Monday.
By the way, what does a 13 year old from Tennessee say when she is losing her virginity?
Daddy! Yer crushin’ my ciggerettes.
9 nancy // Sep 23, 2007 at 6:27 am
Well, after all, America was founded on people escaping religious intoloerance. But, if you really read history-the Puritans were as intolerant as their persecutors. So, this whole debacle is just as American as apple pie. Not very funny, but sadly true.
BTW-Am I the only one that is shaking their head at the comment t below that was in the October 1, 2007 issue of People Magazine-
At the premiew of “The Assasination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” Angelina was asked if she was nervousfor Brad-she replied “We work hard on films, but we only get nervous when it’s about important things, like family.” I was dumbstruck to read this inane comment from a husband stealing adulterer.
10 Delphi/Pythia // Sep 23, 2007 at 10:22 am
From the petition:
“It’s time for Christians to stand up and say, “Enough is Enough!” The name of Jesus Christ should not be mocked, nor should those who love Him be slandered for their beliefs. It is time for people of faith around the country to stand firm against religious slander, bias, and bigotry of all types including Christianity. ”
Well, the last sentence states Christianity is a type of bigotry!
It’s a miracle…
11 naughty zoot // Sep 23, 2007 at 5:43 pm
April, it’s posts like this that show why I am such a huge fan.
anyone want to start a “A Very Special Pigeon Ford Xmas” fund for the senior center in that town?
The website for the county senior center is here:
http://www.seviercountytn.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=46&Itemid=65
I mean, since all their fine Christian businesses and theater folk are so busy fighting a Crusade against the ungodly here in Hollywood, the LEAST we can do is make sure the poor grandparents of these asshats don’t suffer for it!
Just sayin’….
(and oh yeah, Nancy- I’m gobsmacked every time that psychotic, adultering, child-collector tried to put on a “Family first” routine..)
12 Yoeman // Sep 23, 2007 at 8:36 pm
Good for Kathy, I’m so fucking sick of all the Fundamentalist idiocy invading every aspect of our daily existence, the only thing religion is good for is causing wars, and perpetuating stupidity. What a wonderful place this planet would be without it.
13 Shannon // Sep 23, 2007 at 10:29 pm
Why don’t you people give Angelina a break! I mean it’s like you should not be so judgemental. She’s had a bad year! (mascara tinged tears of rage streaming down my hollowed cheeks)
Remember, revenge is a dish best served cold. Angelina can play Mia Farrow all she wants but in about 20 years Brad will run off with the Korean one.
14 steve // Sep 23, 2007 at 10:32 pm
April, amazing as always. coasterboy has a great point, and it’s been said that the only thing worse than white trash is white trash with money. The kind of dialup AOL-using, militant God-warriors who will sign this electronic non-document are the same ones who will reassign a couple week’s lotto kitty and send it to Pigeon Ford. Sadly, that $90K has probably been made back already, which means it’s been wasted twice.
15 emroki // Sep 24, 2007 at 9:29 am
Too many Christians today know nothing about Christ. It’s sad, too, because Jesus is a worthy role model.
16 wills7577 // Sep 24, 2007 at 10:35 am
I am so tired of hearing April say, “I’m stupid,” “I don’t read,” “I don’t know anything.” She is obviously brilliant. I agree with ughty zoot, I think we should raise money for the indigent of Pigeon Forge
17 wills7577 // Sep 24, 2007 at 10:47 am
Oh, I forgot to mention, I am all in favor of stoning Céline Dion!
18 bridgetteciaj // Sep 24, 2007 at 1:23 pm
OK, so I’m a little different here. I wasn’t wild about the Suck it comment, but what do I really expect from Kathy? She’s stirring the pot, that’s her thing. I’d be more upset if there were some kind of truth behind it (say, for instance the pedophile extravaganza within the Catholic church.)
This is not the first time I’ve been embarrassed by people who profess to share my faith. I often want to hang up on well-meaning Christians who call into radio shows and give lame, unreasonable or knee jerk reactions to things said. I’d make some kind of call to stop such things here, but I’m guessing April isn’t on their Favorites list.
And I’m in with the fund raising for the Seniors. Maybe we can convince the theater to bring all the lonely seniors together and give them a free performance with dinner included? Ride to and from? Gee, now that might have been a good idea.
19 wills7577 // Sep 24, 2007 at 2:00 pm
Now wait a minute, I am in no way advocating torturing these old people by making them watch this Jesus musical. Besides, it seems pretty clear that helping people is not what this “Christian ministry” is about. (I don’t know for sure, I shouldn’t judge, but I do anyway. I’m flawed. What can I say…) I was just saying that, since “Christian ministries” in their town seem more interested in using their resources to fund idiotic petition drives than helping “the least among theses” that perhaps we as April fans could step in and fill the void. (Even though April is a godless harlot, secular humanist…)
20 April // Sep 24, 2007 at 2:05 pm
That’s me!
21 naughty zoot // Sep 24, 2007 at 4:05 pm
And we LOVE you for it!
Will’s right- let’s not torture the poor oldsters by sending them to that crappy passion play (not that I want to dignify that production with a fine old historical term).
And anyway- sending them to the theater would be BUYING TICKETS for these idiots–and i really don’t want to reward their asshattery. As a person who tries to practice the love, tolerance and social justice that Jesus actually preached, I don’t like to support fundamentalist militants of any kind.
How about we do a little asking around and see if the county Senior’s bus/furnace needs fixing, and maybe get a list of folks who could use some gift certificates for holiday dinner or to shop online for some warm clothes? Times are hard, and about to get harder- so let’s go with the goal of doing something that will make their daily lives more comfy and less lonely. That, or we could follow April’s fine lead and give to their local Toys for Tots AND the Senior meals on wheels program. Those are two great groups that can never have enough support.
22 tjmile1 // Sep 25, 2007 at 10:13 am
Not one comment in defense of Christianity, how surprising. I could care less about petitions, but I’m not into comedians that attack Christianity to make a name for themselves. It’s a shrewd but despicable move on her part. She’s funny enough without bashing Jesus, but for some reason she’s making a living mocking him and the people that follow him. I’m not a Christian, but their complaints about her are valid. She is extremely offensive and she would never make jokes that would air on Bravo about Islam. The hypocrisy is real, deal with that fact!
- Christian’s do not hate. The fact that they are against homosexuality is what get’s all of you. Yeah, fudge packing is normal, right. Explain the biological purpose of shoving items in an area that is designed to excrete one way. Yes, the fact is they follow a book that is against homosexuality. Leviticus forbids it, along with not f-ing your father, mother, brother, sister, goats, etc… The old testament was written by Jews so I don’t know how all of a sudden Jews accept homos, but they sure do. I guess cause so many are themselves. It’s no biggy, at least they don’t eat shellfish or pork. Yeah, that would really be offensive to God. The Muslims don’t eat pork either, but the Muslims have balls, big ones, bigger even than Aprils.
All I’m saying is Christians try to hold the line when it comes to decency, what are April’s and Kathy Griffin’s followers aspiring to become? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a libertarian who would love the legalization of drugs and prostitution. I’d outlaw marriage as well (the legal nature of it anyway). I just don’t need a book to know what is normal and abnormal. Just because the so-called “enlightened” people in society today embrace homosexuality doesn’t make it normal, and I have respect for those that try to live a clean life even if I can’t live within their standards.
Look at all the comments by homo supporters, talk about hate. “Good for Kathy, I’m so fucking sick of all the Fundamentalist idiocy invading every aspect of our daily existence” All I can say is, get a grip.
I’ve been a fan of April’s site for ever, and I think you’re funnier than Kathy Griffin.
23 jj // Sep 25, 2007 at 11:35 pm
Most importantly, 90G’s could have helped to bring THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: THE MUSICAL to Pigeon Forge, maybe even with Val Kilmer reprising his masterful role as Moses, and put that little miracle theater out of business…Suck it, Jesus, indeed - Moses was the better entertainer anyway. “Ooh, water into wine…look out at the sea, you risen little boob.”
Yes, I’m going to hell…that’s why I’ve spent the last 20 or so years paving a really lovely road there.
24 JohnnyBoy // Sep 26, 2007 at 6:19 am
“and Dog Jesus said :
“Do ye not your business on the carpet, lest ye be called bad dog.
If another lifts his leg on you, bid him lift the other leg.
Render unto Caesar Milan.
Bark and the door shall be opened to you. Weep and ye shall be let outside.”
The Gospel of Bark 19:84
25 JohnnyBoy // Sep 26, 2007 at 8:49 am
Personally, I find Kathy Griffin’s plastic surgery far more offensive than anything she might possibly say
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