I get some very odd spam.
Some of it comes courtesy of you, gentle reader. You, who have seen fit to sign me up for Anne Coulter newsletters and feminine hygiene coupons and Christian media alerts.
But some of it comes from nowhere, leaving me with more questions than answers.
And not simple questions, like, “How did I get on the lice cures mailing list?” but big questions, like, “What the hell language is this in?”
Let’s start with this one from The Shine Corporation.
Well, this is a no brainer. I think everyone likes goods. And who doesn’t want to got something sales?
This next one is perhaps my all time favorite example of SSL (Spam as a Second Language).
It’s like they’re reading my mind!
I don’t know how many times I prayed to be delivered from this terrible number of kilos! But when I slide into that bikini I have not been dressed in for a long period of time, I know it’s thanks to a considerable degree to less gorging madness.
And speaking of Oprah, what is this shit?
I am so fucking sick and tired of Oprah. Just bone tired. I am sick to death of her big fat face and her $1500 wigs and her giant batwing arms and her hideous, gurning pan on the cover of O Magazine, smiling at me in clothes she’s still too fat for.
Stop it, Oprah. Just stop it. Stop endorsing every Goddamn thing on the planet. Stop with the book clubs and the magazines and the prayer circles and the African charm school and for Christ’s sake, stop trying to be Maya Angelou. We already have one, and that’s one too many.
And finally, take a look at this spam.
I only have one question. When did the UN start using Comic Sans?
This is why Iran isn’t taking those resolutions seriously. Everything the UN sends them looks like a panel from Family Circus. The UN is more popular than Garfield over there. Iranian kids are walking around with Kofi Annan lunchboxes.
Early Halloween Treat
Speaking of Ween, here’s a little early Holiday treat for you.
A few years ago, Ween was approached by Pizza Hut. They wanted the band to create a jingle for a new product called The Insider; a pizza with cheese baked inside the crust.
Ween submitted many melodies before Pizza Hut approved anything, and the process was difficult and contentious. Eventually they completed a track called Where’s the Cheese Go?
Pizza Hut hated it. The ad agency got fired, and so did Ween.
Ultimately, Pizza Hut took the bold, creative step of zooming in on the cheese and having an announcer say, “Stuffed cheese pizza!”
Afterward, Ween reworked the jingle and released it on their album, All Request Live.
Except now it was called something else.
Ween: Where'd the Cheese Go? [0:29m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download Ween: Where'd the Motherfucking Cheese Go? [0:29m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download
30 responses so far ↓
1 John Foley // Oct 23, 2007 at 12:21 am
I think Pizza Hut missed the boat on that one.
Memo to Oprah: Africa called and said that you’re out of the family. It’s just gotten embarrassing.
2 Carltonyuk // Oct 23, 2007 at 1:18 am
I would suggest that Oprah returns those teeth to their rightful owner. That’s just a bad, bad look.
3 JohnnyBoy // Oct 23, 2007 at 4:11 am
Deliver me from this terrible number of kilos
4 bnaivar // Oct 23, 2007 at 4:31 am
I can’t wait for “Who let the Cheese out?”.
5 beetlebug // Oct 23, 2007 at 6:36 am
Ween used to have that Pizza Hut jingle up at their web site. I first found heard about it during it’s 10 minutes of internet fame a couple of years ago. Seems someone wanted to appeal to all those young hipsters who listened to those not totally commercial bands. I think the jingle is catchy myself. Where did that mo-fo cheese go? Oh, there it is placed somewhere that doesn’t make the pizza taste any less like cardboard. Wow!
6 joshpincusiscrying // Oct 23, 2007 at 6:58 am
Several years ago, Walt Disney World changed the narrator of the film in The Hall of Presidents to Maya Angelou. I couldn’t understand a word she said. And by the expressions of the faces of the other people in the theater, I wasn’t alone.
Can someone explain her appeal to me? And why does everyone of her poems contain the line “We were slaves.”?
7 Auntie Vera Charles // Oct 23, 2007 at 7:58 am
Simply rent “Elmo Saves Christmas” and you’ll understand about Maya.
I smell fish.
8 JohnnyBoy // Oct 23, 2007 at 8:35 am
I totally didn’t understand, until i found out that Maya Angelou was the first black and female cable car conductor in San Francisco.
Ergo, she wrote that Rice-A-Roni song:
Rice
A-Roni
It’s everybody’s Faves
Rice
A-Roni
I tell ya , we were slaves
9 Elijah M // Oct 23, 2007 at 10:25 am
Maya Angelou needs to be made fun of more. Excuse me—DOCTOR Maya Angelou. Fun fact: she only writes in hotel rooms.
10 katzinoire // Oct 23, 2007 at 11:06 am
Oh come on now, don’t you know how many “good friends” Oprah has in the business? I see the promos “We’ll talk to my good friend (insert celebrity name)”. Really Oprah, really? Do you exchange holiday greeting cards, eat lunch together more than a couple times a year-if ever?
Oh- I eat whatever I like, and I do this thing called walking Oprah, it is amazingly easy and no one has to spam about it, and you do lose weight by doing it. The only side effect is feeling wonderful afterwards. Try it.
11 Stretch // Oct 23, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Vera,
Have you checked the bottom of your shoes (Manolo Blahniks? perhaps), seems like the fish smell is following you
“You can rub it and scrub it from here to hell – but you’ll never get rid of that fishy smell”
——-LaWanda Page
12 corellia // Oct 23, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Why is Oprah’s face so lumpy?
Ever noticed how judgmental she is when she has a non-celebrity guest with some sort of personal problem?
13 clevelandphil // Oct 23, 2007 at 3:13 pm
Rice a roni the San Francisco treat
Rice a roni with bunions on our feet.
14 JohnnyBoy // Oct 23, 2007 at 7:49 pm
Not the white rice
which are the grains of our oppression,
but brown, brown, straight from the ground
that holds our dear Uncles Ben and Tom
The flavor can’t be beat as we once were
as slaves to the flavor but more
A treat,indeed, but also a trick
to make the rice non-stick
15 JohnnyBoy // Oct 23, 2007 at 7:51 pm
I Smell Fish
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZVPd3JMuDk
16 Farfel // Oct 23, 2007 at 7:52 pm
How many Terrible Kilos in a Stuffed Cheese Crust? Now I DID know a pizza maker that would add Marijuana to your pizza if you knew the magic word…which might have been “Fish”.
17 gary // Oct 23, 2007 at 10:35 pm
Please to ship those terrible number of kilos to my address.
I’m needing for to getting the faded.
18 jim // Oct 25, 2007 at 1:42 am
The miracle magic of SPAM gives total power for of a happy lifeing!
I feel slim, defined, & vigorous!
Greatest thanks to you!
19 ubermilf // Oct 25, 2007 at 7:35 am
” stop trying to be Maya Angelou. We already have one, and that’s one too many.”
If I was gay, I’d be totally gay for you. Instead, I’ll just endeavor to be like you.
Wait, that’s creepy.
I think you’re the cat’s pajamas.
20 Stretch // Oct 25, 2007 at 7:48 am
…ya ever try to put a cat in pajamas?! Watch out for the claws-
Oh you kid and 23 skidoo
21 JohnnyBoy // Oct 25, 2007 at 8:20 am
This place is so hep
22 like a gopher // Oct 26, 2007 at 11:33 am
… Sure, there’ll still be gorging madness. There’s ALWAYS going to be *some* intermittent gorging madness. I mean, come on. …. But there will be LESS of it. That is our guarantee to you!
23 Andre // Oct 26, 2007 at 12:22 pm
April, if I was straight, I’d be straight for you. Instead I’ll just endeavor to masturbate to that picture of you in drag.
24 steve // Oct 28, 2007 at 10:10 pm
The Onion calls Oprah a chocolate-covered bulldozer: http://www.theonion.com/content/node/26903
25 JohnnyBoy // Oct 31, 2007 at 5:50 am
Lance Armstrong is a Pedalphile
26 JohnnyBoy // Oct 31, 2007 at 5:53 am
Uncyclopedia has a most grand article on Oprah:
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Oprah
27 JohnnyBoy // Oct 31, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Here are some Vampire jokes for Halloween:
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich…
What’s a vampire’s favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure…
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation…
28 Andre // Oct 31, 2007 at 2:10 pm
Did you hear about the boy vampire and the girl vampire?
They loved in vein.
29 JohnnyBoy // Oct 31, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Mummies don’t have a lot of friends cause they’re all wrapped up in themselves
30 roxy contin // Nov 5, 2007 at 6:00 pm
holy jeebeebus, April! I love you so, but why why why oh why are you such a bitter beeyeeyeeyee-yotch since you lost the parasitic twin? lay of the Oprah, that chile been doin’ a who’ lotta good and what is it you done but lose enough weight so that you ain’t startin’ fires no mo’ wit your thigh rubbin’? huh? what you say? HmmmHmmm. Gayle gonna come sit on yo’ ass.
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