Oh this is exciting!
I haven’t had a really good piece of hate mail in a long time. I mean, I’ve had a few pathetic attempts at putting an insult together, but nothing good enough to go in the Idiots section.
But this year, Christmas came early!
Please visit the Idiot page to enjoy our newest member, “Roxy Contin”.
Roxy’s gripes appear to be related to my comments about Rachael Ray’s weight, which he deftly handles by calling me “donut thighs”. And there’s more clever wordplay where that came from! Now we know what all those striking writers are doing.
Roxy ends his piece by challenging me not to delete his post, but he has nothing to worry about! As a featured idiot, his comment is permanently posted, as are his email address and IP.
Congratulations!
This is also the perfect time to introduce you to a fun feature of WordPress; comment editing.
Yes, as the moderator of this site, I have the ability to go into any post and change it. Perhaps to correct your spelling or fix a broken link. Or in this case, help Roxy say what what was really on his mind.
Check the thread on this post for his new and improved comment (number 37).
YINGLE BELLS
Every year, I try to bring you the absolute worst in holiday music.
It’s a lot of fun, but it’s also a little stressful. Because I worry that one of these years, I’m going to hit a wall. I will have found all the bad holiday music there is, and I’ll have nothing left to torture you with.
Happily, this is not that year.
Today, I added four “Yogi Yorgesson” tracks to the MP3 Library for your ongoing holiday misery:
• I Yust Go Nuts At Christmas
• The Christmas Party
• Yingle Bells
• I Was Santa Claus At The School House (For the PTA)
Truly, this is the soundtrack for binge drinking.
Yogi was the creation of Harry Stewart, a Norwegian banjo player who moved to Los Angeles in 1931 with the hope of becoming a weatherman. When that didn’t pan out, he created “Yogi”, a Swedish-Hindu mystic. Yogi was a cross between Ivar Haglund (locally famous as the owner of Ivar’s Acres of Clams) and Ghandi. Which makes perfect sense. His costume consisted of boots, loincloth, lumberjack shirt and a turban.
And he made a living doing this for 25 years.
He recorded quite a few songs in his career, including, Neida Nei Takk (”No way, no thank you”, in Swedish); Yust Tinkin’ of Yogi; Hark! Hark! The Barking Snark and My Clam Digger’s Sweetheart.
He also recorded Swanson, Swenson & Jenson, which John thinks might be the Swedish answer to Abraham, Martin and John.
Anyway, it’s all over in the MP3 Library, under Seasonal Favorites. Make yourself a herring and pork fat sandwich and have at it.
Now, Norway is nice, but why stop there? It’s only a short färd on the spårvagnen to Finland. So strap on your hjälm and let’s get this skådespel on the stråt!
Here’s Rajaton, a Finnish a cappella group, performing Jingle Bells on some Nordic morning show. I don’t know the name of it, but I like to pretend it’s Live! With Hrothgar and Gunhilda.
It’s good, isn’t it? Just a little something to take the taste of Yogi out of your mouth.
And here’s another track by Rajaton. Not a holiday song, but you’ve suffered enough today.
30 responses so far ↓
1 Brandex // Dec 2, 2007 at 2:47 pm
I made a disc of your bad christmas music and for some reason my car radio doesn’t play all of them. Oh well.
Rachael Ray is getting fat and her outfit in that Ritz commercial made her look like a sausage about to burst from its casing. How can anyone not make fun of that? Hell, I’m fat and I always find it hilarious when I see fatties wearing something completely inappropriate for their shapes. Besides, I thought that being a member of a group (fat, black, gay, Jewish, etc.) gave you permission to make fun of that group with impunity.
2 coasterboy // Dec 2, 2007 at 3:45 pm
Ummm, that video ain’t jingle bells….
3 April // Dec 2, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Oops. Fixed, thank you.
4 AlexZo // Dec 2, 2007 at 4:01 pm
Pfft, twenty-five years. That’s nothing. If you want a new section on crap acts that wouldn’t go away then check out this clip of British Music Hall act Wilson, Keppel and Betty.
That was their act, from when they started out in 1910 to when arthritis stopped what God had refused to in 1963. Fifty three years of doing the same ten minute skit, twice a night. Nowadays they would be a novelty audition for one of the Idol shows, back then they turned it into a career. Fifty three fucking years.
5 paper-hat // Dec 2, 2007 at 5:10 pm
Somebody has a special donut for ‘Coxy Rotten’ real BIG and tasty!
6 steve // Dec 2, 2007 at 8:02 pm
paper-hat: link’s dead.
7 steve // Dec 2, 2007 at 8:30 pm
RR calls herself a chef, and she is a public figure. She therefore deserves to be taken to task for the image she portrays–an out of shape smoker–and the products she chooses to promote–Triscuits and Dunkin Donuts.
8 Shannon // Dec 2, 2007 at 8:36 pm
Play along with me folks.
RE: Roxy Incontenent
Imagine that Rosy O’Donnel and Donald Trump are bestest of friends. Look at all the media they got for “pretending” to fight.
They sat on his gold lame’ couch and watched the stories and pissed their pants with joy because they both made more money.
Return to present day:
April is not stupid. She knows that if someone goes after her we will all jump on the boat and attack them. Her numbers will go up on this site and she and whomever Roxy is will sit on their courdory couch and piss their pants with joy as their fortunes increase with all the money April will make on this site.
Oh wait. She doesn’t make any money for doing this and I have to visit this site if I want to see what is written here.
And Roxy visits because…
I want cake!!!!
9 Doug // Dec 2, 2007 at 8:47 pm
I finally saw one of RR’s Ritz commercials, and I have to admit, she’s “enlarged”, as one of Phil Hendrie’s characters was wont to say. I’m disappointed in my cutie pie…she’s not as cute anymore. Oh well. Trimspa needs a new spokesgal, after all…
10 gary // Dec 2, 2007 at 9:03 pm
If only those Finnish choir geeks were fat, I could hate them even more.
11 JohnnyBoy // Dec 2, 2007 at 9:04 pm
“you fat”
me to Sketty the fat cat
12 JohnnyBoy // Dec 2, 2007 at 9:06 pm
If I worked in a restaurant and Rajaton came in to eat, I would go over at the end of the meal and ask “are you Finnish?”
13 jim // Dec 2, 2007 at 9:21 pm
Donut thighs?
Oh, man, who said wit was dead?
Roxy Contin, ehh? I say run the writing crew for CSI Miami through an anagram generator to find the culprit … & get him or her a gig as an editor, headline-sculpting for the New York Times. Noone will notice the difference, will they?
14 Speedy Cerviche // Dec 2, 2007 at 10:25 pm
What the fuck is up with all of these Finnish a cappella groups?
First, Loituma poisoned my nets with their moon-language. Now I must put up with this?! I give up.
15 Speedy Cerviche // Dec 2, 2007 at 10:39 pm
I believe we have stumbled upon a conspiracy. Indeed, how long can it possibly be before we are all subjugated by tall, blond barbershop quartets?
I for one welcome my new Nordic masters, what with their superior genes and luscious four-part harmonies.
Suomi aikana kaikki!
16 Erik no longer in Santa Monica // Dec 3, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Not to spoil the party, but the Finns aren’t Scandinavians. OK they were occupied by the Swedes for a while…200 years ago, before they were part of the Russian empire.
Whilst Danes, Swedes and Norwegians can sort of understand each others language, Finnish is a whole ‘nother ballgame.
The Finnish language is actually related to Hungarian, Estonian and, wait for it, Mongolian! Thankfully most Finns speak English.
17 Auntie Vera Charles // Dec 3, 2007 at 6:24 pm
I smell lutefisk.
18 pal Jacky // Dec 4, 2007 at 1:53 pm
The finns being part of the russian empire makes sense. It explains their drunken, boorish characteristics quite well. If evolution is right they might reach human status in a million years or so.
19 pal Jacky // Dec 4, 2007 at 2:11 pm
The finns have added very little to the culture of western civilization. Which is a good thing, if one is ever bored enough to examine their culture. They worship the composer Sibelius whose music sounds like his parents left him out in the snow a bit too long. Most of their artwork shows a deep fascination with herring. though as the artwork itself shows, they have little understanding of the fish itself.
20 pal Jacky // Dec 4, 2007 at 2:30 pm
the finns have a folk hero named Lemminkainen who wanders the countryside forcing women to spin him new fabrics and even mistakes the grim reaper for a swan. It doesn’t make a lick of sense until one realizes the direct translation of ‘lemminkainen’ is ‘L’ltle Abner’.
21 JohnnyBoy // Dec 4, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Someone took a plane there and disappeared into FinnAir
22 Stretch // Dec 4, 2007 at 3:12 pm
Hee Hee
April said “STRAP-ON”
23 JohnnyBoy // Dec 4, 2007 at 6:07 pm
Strap on, strap off
The Other Karate Kid
24 pal Jacky // Dec 4, 2007 at 9:11 pm
one Sibelius biographer, Bergen Belson, believes that being left out in the snow was actually good for the composer. In his work ‘the yeti as symphonist’ , he looks at the alternative. Being in a house of finnish people, drunk on a mixture of vodka and formaldehyde constantly singing accapello folk ditties about spinning wheels and swans.
25 Farfel // Dec 4, 2007 at 9:31 pm
Wow, did Ivar Haglund’s empire reach down into L.A. too? He’s one of the revered City Fathers of Seattle! And of course with the Scandinavian population in Seattle, Yogi is really big too. A local guy here, Stan Boreson, took Yogi’s shtick and became a kids’ show legend on early Seattle TV. He still cranks up his accordion about this time of year and lets fly some Holiday Standards…Yogi style.
26 pal Jacky // Dec 5, 2007 at 2:09 am
that’s very interesting Farfel. Many archeologists believe that the Pacific northwest was first populated by people coming over on a land bridge from the area of what is now finland. Then in 3500 BC the land bridge sank, leaving Seattle isolated and primitive as it remains to this day.
27 pal Jacky // Dec 5, 2007 at 3:29 am
if you are visiting Seattle here are a couple phrases to make people think you are a local. ‘after almost fifteen years I’m still depressed, with a pregnant junky for a wife he had everything to live for” and “Some of my best friends were colored people, before I moved to Seattle that is’.
28 JohnnyBoy // Dec 5, 2007 at 6:56 am
So they were like Findians ? Heap Neat !
29 pal Jacky // Dec 5, 2007 at 1:03 pm
actually, many proud native americans would flinch at the term ‘findian’. Keep in mind that in the language of the Spokan tribe ’seattle’ means ‘land of the muck people’. During the late ’80’s and early ’90’s, youth fom this area started a blissfully short lived popular music movement. It consisted of them bitching and moaning about being born white in the world’s richest country. These whiners were easily quelled by the propaganda dept of the George H.W. Bush administration. They produced several cloying, feel good, repetitve , banal films all starring the demi-wit Meg Ryan.
30 pal Jacky // Dec 5, 2007 at 3:29 pm
don’t get me wrong, the democrats have also used the area for their political purposes. I wrote ‘woody guthrie, minstral of propaganda’ concerning FDR’ and the buliding of the grand coulee dam. Furthermore, big corporations have used Seattle as a testing ground. After seeing the writing on the wall when it came to tobacco, R.J. Reynolds used its knowedge on addiction to make people crave badly brewed coffee. Now there is a starbucks on every block sucking up the much of the disposable income of the middle class.
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