This will be my last post of 2007, and what a big, fat, engorged, throbbing chub of a post it will be!
John and I are leaving for Vienna on Friday, where we will spend Christmas in places like this and eating things like this.
Then we’re off to Munich for a three day New Year’s Eve party! That would be fabulous enough for some people, but some people ain’t me*!
*Show tune reference aimed at homosexual readership
It turns out that our hotel is home to the “restaurant of the moment”, so at the stroke of midnight, we’ll be dining in one of the most exclusive eateries in Munich! What is this trendy and fabulous place you ask?
Trader Vic’s.
That’s right. We’ll be having Polynesian food in a German hotel with a Latin salsa band. Makes sense to me!
But the best part of being in Germany over the holidays is that it gives me all the rationale I need to dump a bunch of German mp3s on you!
In fact, I’ve added so many German mp3s today, I had to add an annex to the library. It’s now divided into two pages; MP3s and More MP3s. I know, how clever is that? It took me all day to come up with it.
Let’s start with German covers by the original artists:
Shock the Monkey (Peter Gabriel)
I Want to Go Home (Beach Boys)
California Sun (Beach Boys)
Barbara Ann (Beach Boys)
In My Room (Beach Boys)
Next, we have some German covers by unoriginal artists:
Surf City, Here We Come
Memphis, Tennessee
Delilah (the overwrought Peter Alexander)
Total Eclipse of the Heart
Too Much Time on My Hands
Itsy Bitsy Bikini
Never on Sunday
And we have a few mp3s that are the nucleus of a collection I’ve been trying to assemble for a long time – Spanish Language Songs Covered in German:
Vaya Con Dios (Connie Francis)
Quando Quando (Peter Alexander)
Guantanamera
And finally, a trip down Brat-Way: German Covers of Show Tunes!
I Am What I Am
Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina
Memory
Kiss Today Goodbye
Some People
Everything’s Coming Up Roses
Let Me Entertain You
I didn’t think it was possible, but I Am What I Am is actually gayer in German.
After Munich, we’ll be continuing on to Switzerland, where they speak anything. It’s for this flimsy reason I’m also offering you a few French covers by the incomparable Claude Francois.
I’ll Be There
I Go to Rio
If I Had a Hammer
If I had a hammer, I’d use it on Claude Francois.
In Switzerland, we’ll be taking a train called The Glacier Express; an 8 hour ride from St. Moritz to the Matterhorn. I’ve always wanted to take this train. It has giant panoramic windows and a glass roof, and chairs that swivel 360 degrees. They also serve you wine in special glasses, so nothing spills as you take sharp corners through the mountains.
Yes, it does sound like an amazing trip. And yes, I am really lucky to be able to go. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter where you spend Christmas. Not really.
It doesn’t matter if you’re on a train, or in a 4 star hotel, or even in a little shack somewhere, eating beans off a hot plate. The most important thing at Christmas is to not be anywhere near your family. That’s the real magic of the season.
Speaking of which…
Last year I posted a Christmas picture taken with my two sisters when I was very small. Having a hi-res scan from the original transparency afforded me an unprecedented opportunity to analyze the image in great detail. I was able to give you all kinds of information about the 60’s decor, our terrible outfits and exactly what gifts we received.
I was very pleased with your response. The post was linked all over the place, and people really seemed to enjoy seeing how unhappy we were. So I sifted through a bunch of photos and found one more, and I thought I’d give you another glimpse into the gaping mouth of hell.
Wow. Hard to know where to start here.
I suppose I have to acknowledge the knotty pine panelling, along with olive drab vinyl sectional. This was the height of style at the time, I’m sure. My mother was very up to the minute on that sort of thing. Of course now it just looks a room they’d shoot cheap porn in. And perhaps they did. God knows the couch was easy to wipe down.
Speaking of up to the minute, doesn’t my sister look happy with that state of the art phonograph player? Oh, you can just imagine the kind of crap she played incessantly on that thing.
In fact, you don’t even have to imagine. Just look to the right here, at the pink punching ball and it will tell you all you need to know.
That’s right, Beatles. Again.
Didn’t they just get a Beatle punch ball the year before? Had the two of them already worn it down to a nub from making out with it?
Apparently, Amber did very well that year. She also has a box on her lap that says “Tressy” on it, which was a 12″ fashion doll that was very popular at the time.
Tressy was known as “the doll whose hair grew and grew”. There was a key on her back, and when you turned it, you could either extend or retract a several inches of doll hair. Tressy also came with a hairdo instruction booklet, which my sister had clearly been studying.
Now there are a few things going on here that I really can’t explain, starting with my sister Janet’s shoes.
She appears to have two different pairs going on there. But in all fairness, she does have her eyes closed.
She’s also wearing a summer dress; a testament to those festive San Fernando Valley winter holidays. We probably had the air conditioning on.
I do recognize the book on her lap though. It was a Mary Poppins book. I remember because it was my gift, and the two of them spent the whole night looking at it, resulting in my eventual meltdown and the inevitable comments my parents made about gratitude or some such horse shit.
I’m also not sure what the hell I’m showing off for the camera.
I suppose it could be a gift of some kind, but it might just be a 30 day sober chip.
Well that’s it for me. I have to pack my bags and get the hell out of this town.
So let me just wish you happy holidays, and thank you for your loyalty and support. I appreciate you all so much, and I look forward to posting more shitty music and crappy blogs in 2008.
126 responses so far ↓
1 John Foley // Dec 20, 2007 at 1:45 am
Not only did it take you all day, but you had to call me in for a caucus.
Wait…you have gay readers?
I’m always the last to know.
2 Mean John Dean // Dec 20, 2007 at 4:06 am
You neglected to mention the demented look you’re giving the camera as though you’re saying, “I finally got what I wanted!” and personally I think that’s a condom your holding.
Mean John Dean
3 Syr Paine // Dec 20, 2007 at 5:40 am
I agree with you about “it doesn’t matter where you spend Christmas” as I and my partner will be under the bright lights and booze soaked stools (and tools) of Las Vegas. Who could ask for more from the baby Jesus?
Not me, that’s for sure!
Only issue is that my WHOLE FAMILY is going to be there, too. I figure that if I become a booze soaked tool in one of those booze soaked stools for the five days we are there, I MIGHT be okay!
Merry ho-ho-ho (who you callin’ a ho?) to you and John!
One last parting thought:
Mare fish moose panda hippo gnu deer
(You’ll figure it out eventually)
4 Solonor // Dec 20, 2007 at 6:10 am
You’re just trying out your Robin Leach impression, aren’t you? I can just see the “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” episode:
“Here’s the fabulous April Winchell jet setting on her way to holiday magic in Vienna! Then it’s off to a posh nosh at Trader Vic’s for New Year’s Eve! Champagne wishes and caviar dreams indeed!”
OK, maybe after seeing the old Christmas pic it’s a “Real Hollywood Story” or “Behind the Music” episode. Whatever. Bite me.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Have fun!!
5 Doug // Dec 20, 2007 at 6:12 am
Yes indeedy…Happy Holidays to the both of you.
P.S. – Third!
6 Doug // Dec 20, 2007 at 6:13 am
Curses, foiled again. And not by Reynolds wrap, either.
7 jasonthegreat // Dec 20, 2007 at 6:54 am
I still think you and your sisters look like understudies for the cast of “Gypsy.”
Have a wonderful Christmas, April. Hell, have a wonderful Christmas everyone.
8 coasterboy // Dec 20, 2007 at 9:01 am
Homosexual readers?
How dare you!
I resemble that remark…
9 Xanadude // Dec 20, 2007 at 10:22 am
Have a fabulous holiday! Eat lots of chocolate and salsa!
10 Gina // Dec 20, 2007 at 11:04 am
I smell fish.
11 socalfrank // Dec 20, 2007 at 11:33 am
Sounds like the 2 of you are going to have a great trip. So don’t worry about us here….waiting for our families to destroy our houses and complain about the ham being dry. We’ll be waiting for your next post and a whole bunch of photos from your jet-set vacation.
Happy Holidays…and I’m not bitter.
12 joshpincusiscrying // Dec 20, 2007 at 11:38 am
mmmmm! The krapfen for 1.50 euros looks wunderbar. I’d ask you to look for Chanukah decorations but I’m sure they’ve taken them down already. And by “taken them down”, I mean burned them to ashes.
Happy holiday!
13 JohnnyBoy // Dec 20, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Winchell and Foley
Vienna in Winter
They’ll have Celebration
a la Harold Pinter
14 albo // Dec 20, 2007 at 5:27 pm
You’re going to Vienna. The title could be “Wien Not” for extra-special-cleverness.
Have a great trip. Frohe Weinachten.
15 nix // Dec 20, 2007 at 6:11 pm
I love your shitty music and crappy blogs. Happy holidays! We’ll see you next year!!
16 Farfel // Dec 20, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Jeez, this makes TWO Fairy Tale Christmastime holidays in a row! Now THAT’S a tradition worth making! Have fun!
17 AlexZo // Dec 20, 2007 at 7:11 pm
Fortunately you don’t need to take a hammer to the incomparable Claude Francois since in a truly Darwinian accident (no sniggering) he was laying in the bath one evening when the lightbulb started to flicker. “I can fix that” was probably his last thought on this earth. Still you really ought to explore a bit more of what these European singers have to offer on YouTube. How about this little gem of Claude, sitting on a swing with Jodie Foster singing a Serge Gainsbourg song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knOEB3S6BLY
As for Peter Alexander, well I guess you have to think of him as the Austrian Frankie Avalon. For several decades after World War 2 German and Austrian film-makers avoided any sort of politics in their film, so what dominated was the truly painful thing known as the Heimatfilm. Men in lederhosen or jackets with green velvet lapels, women with puffed sleeves, set in the Black Forest or unnamed mountains. Think of The Sound of Music without the Nazis. Or the nuns. Just lots of singing in giant log cabin bars. Anything that wasn’t like that had Peter Alexander in it. Again YouTube is your friend, if you want friends like that.
And if you want something else for your collection then here is the Sixties Swedish poppet Barbro Svensson singing “It’s My Party” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLfs6Ji9mVI
Enjoy Christmas.
18 Brandex // Dec 20, 2007 at 7:14 pm
If you’re going to Austria I hope you try the weinerschnitzel. I can’t get enough of that stuff, especially with sauerkraut. You’re going to have a great time.
The room in your picture looks like my grandma’s living room. She has wood paneling everywhere and terrible furniture. Her couch is a sickly orange color.
Also, it’s okay to spend Christmas with the family just as long as you find a way to keep the crappy members from coming over
19 jim // Dec 20, 2007 at 9:19 pm
Sehr gut!
Christmas comes early for us crap-lovers.
Have a great holiday over there.
Oh … & Merry Day Off, everybody!
20 Shannon // Dec 20, 2007 at 11:10 pm
I have to change my password, it is the name and year we aquired the dog (son with a tail) that we had to put to sleep and bury the Saturday after Thanksgiving. In the cold rain.
Merry Christmas to all!
21 Shannon // Dec 20, 2007 at 11:11 pm
I want to be gay.
Not a gay woman.
A gay man.
I think I like cock more than pussy. Cock I’ve tried, pussy I haven’t.
22 Shannon // Dec 20, 2007 at 11:25 pm
Everybody chat now!!!!!
Bump, bump bumb da bump
Everybody chat now.
23 Shannon // Dec 20, 2007 at 11:27 pm
Why are your sisters wearing wigs?
24 jandu // Dec 20, 2007 at 11:40 pm
Have a great trip, you deserve it.
You always satisfy my dessert fetish. First, days of cake, and now a case of…..European fluffy pastries. It’s too much
I’m only gay on Thursdays….but I do have a crush on Shannon
25 Shannon // Dec 20, 2007 at 11:57 pm
If I become gay on Thursdays and we have sex jandu, it is not cheating. Where shall we meet? A seedy hotel or magnificent luxury? I too have a crush on you. Oh wait. If I have a crush on you, then you won’t like me and you will tell the quarterback who will tell his girlfriend.
26 Shannon // Dec 21, 2007 at 12:19 am
A baby is about to be if everybody holds a good thought.
Someone wants a baby very much.
27 Shannon // Dec 21, 2007 at 12:24 am
My thinking is that we, who are not Christionite can make a baby for beetlejuice then we will disprove we are evil. The man wants a baby and let’s help him with his task. Concentrate for a moment and lets bring an amazing being to life. See chat for details.
28 pal Jacky // Dec 21, 2007 at 1:33 am
if you read this before you hit Vienna, go to the clown museum. Its very disturbing, if you hate clowns as much as I do. I hit vienna first one summer and spent 2 months mailing people the same postcard of ‘droppo’ no matter where I was. Only to my like minded friends.
29 pal Jacky // Dec 21, 2007 at 1:41 am
they have lots of weirdass museums in Vienna, but do yourself a favor and go the the cemetary where Beethoven is buried. There’s a whole composer section. All the strauss family(the waltz guys not Richard) to make the curators mad ask if Mahler is buried there.
30 JohnnyBoy // Dec 21, 2007 at 2:21 am
Perhaps April and John will go to that really nice restaurant on Eingangstrasse
31 JohnnyBoy // Dec 21, 2007 at 2:22 am
I’ve heard that always goes over well, asking people directions to Eingangstrasse
32 bnaivar // Dec 21, 2007 at 4:48 am
Remember to eat the dogs before you leave or PETA will have a shitfit about boarding them.
33 Stretch // Dec 21, 2007 at 9:20 am
Being 6′5″ I have a very large caucus
34 JohnnyBoy // Dec 21, 2007 at 10:11 am
you should see his subcommittee !
35 Andre // Dec 21, 2007 at 2:23 pm
Hmm. I just might have to hall *my* caucus to the Music Center on Monday, Stretch and check out the situation.
36 Stretch // Dec 21, 2007 at 4:21 pm
OK – If I must:
If you happen to be near a TV set between 6:45 and 7:00 pm Christmas Eve in California check out KCET-TV (public television station – check with your service provider for channel)
I will be performing with the Burbank Chorale – broadcast live from the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion on KCET-TV- all across California. I’ll be the tall guy in a tuxedo.
37 Andre // Dec 21, 2007 at 5:01 pm
The tall guy in a tuxedo with the big caucus, that is.
(I know I spelled “haul” wrong.)
38 pal Jacky // Dec 21, 2007 at 6:23 pm
folks, just saw sweeney todd. It’s a great story and has great music. johnny depp gets to brood for two hours and Helena Bonham Carter is so perfect. They do abridge some songs, slightly change a few scenes around but all of it seemed to be needed for a film version. The most noticable thing is they left out all the choruses and left just them as musical interludes. So now off stage commentary This includes the Italian barber scene and the busy pie scence shop sequence where the chorus were the extras in the scene. My biggest problem with the whole thing is that if you know the original and have seen a few tim burton films, you know exactly how this film is going to play out before even sitting down.
39 coasterboy // Dec 22, 2007 at 7:02 pm
I saw Sweeney yesterday. Love the musical, not a fan of the film. The singing was very weak, too much brooding by Depp, and a definite lack of humor, esceciall during “A Little Priest”. Loved the Judge and the Beadle. Missed some of the largeness- like the “More Hot Pies” number that was neutered by only including Lovett and Toby. I felt that they were trying to make a small, introspective film, but the scroe, oddly, was expanded and the orchestrations were overpowering for what was happening on the screen. Just my two quid.
40 pal Jacky // Dec 23, 2007 at 11:41 am
I agree that ‘more hot pies’ could have used the chorus, as did the earlier shaving scene. But, I think the larger orchestrations were needed to make up for getting rid of the ‘offstage’ choruses. ‘melodrama’ is overused, but I can’t think of a better term for the work itself. As for the singing, It may plainer than the Cariou/lansbury OC recording, but not by much. It falls in the category of ‘the three penny opera’ in that you don’t want the actors to go all Julie andrews/american idol on the score. Some leeway has got to be expected when something like this is taken to the screen. Listen to the original cast of ‘west side story’ then watch the film. Or if that takes too long, just the song ‘america’ the differences are much greater than anything one sees or hears here and ‘WSS’ is considered by many to be the greatest broadway adaption to date.
41 pal Jacky // Dec 23, 2007 at 6:05 pm
i’m not saying it is perfect. I found it annoying that they left out the ‘bawdy’ music of ‘hey, ho sailor boy’ since it is melodically related to ‘poor thing’ , but that is the wagnerite in me. Bernstein may have used the same Bridge section for half a dozen songs in ‘WSS’ but the use of leitmotives is much more sophisticated here. No one broods like Johnny depp and Helela Bohnam carter is just so beguilingly evil that I found the film really fun to watch. Like tim burton’s batman, I don’t think anyone else could have come close to pulling it off, and so what if the last ounce isn’t there.
42 jandu // Dec 23, 2007 at 6:28 pm
Shannon,
It’s been a long and lonely Christmas season. I’ve had an on-again, off-again relationship with a box of wine for a while now. We could totally get together, lie to each other about our finances…..there might be some tears, then an awkward …..thing with a condom.
Let’s get together and feed cake to one another…but a dirty “dick” cake or something similar.
43 paper-hat // Dec 23, 2007 at 8:10 pm
The mystery item looks like part of the cars wheel that crashed into the pink Beatles punching ball… or is it something you were painting with the paint set? Also. the looks on all your faces are just ‘’so adorable”…
Happy happy holidays!! and keep lots of Danish in the kissers!!
p.s. Hey, you must be over there by now so if you read any of this from Europe, give us a “best danish ever” comment or a quickie low down on Europe in Wintertime with John!!!
44 cantamar // Dec 24, 2007 at 12:09 pm
It looks like you’re holding babys’ first diaphragm. At least that’s what I think diaphragms looked like.
45 Andre // Dec 24, 2007 at 12:46 pm
I smell Coney Island white fish.
46 pal Jacky // Dec 24, 2007 at 3:24 pm
“kenny vs. Spenny” just keeps getting better and better. This week they were tied to Goats! I know you are probably thinking that this is just an excuse to watch goats piss and pee for half an hour and that is pretty much the case. But keep in mind, after twenty years of NBC’s must see T.V from ‘Cheers’ to ‘the office’ with ’senfield’, ‘friends’,’ frasier’ ‘joey’, ‘jesse’, ’scrubs’, ‘nightcourt’,'30 rock’ along the way, the expression ‘I’d rather watch goats shit’ has to have come up on thursday nights at least once. But there were some other highlights. Kenny’s goat won’t piss on Spenny;’ bed, so Kenny whips out his own dick and does it himself. Kenny puts expresso in spenny’s goat’s feed and red bull in his water. Spenny gets pulled around like Tina Turner on her honeymoon! At the end Kenny takes his goat to the butcher shop and comes home with a skinned and gutted carcass tied to his leg. Spenny goes all treehugging hippy on his ass and unties his goat in disgust. Then Kenny pulls his own gaot alive and well out of the cubbard. Yeah.
47 JohnnyBoy // Dec 24, 2007 at 11:34 pm
Thanks Andre, only one other person in my office besides myself knew what that was, and we’re from goddam New York
48 JohnnyBoy // Dec 24, 2007 at 11:36 pm
Someday when I find it, I’ll post my christmas pic from the same year with the same aluminum tree and the 4 color wheel and all.
49 jim // Dec 24, 2007 at 11:46 pm
Hmm, now that I think of it … you know … that thing April’s holding looks suspiciously like a diaphragm.
I’m just sayin’.
50 paper-hat // Dec 25, 2007 at 11:45 am
The diaphragm looks a little soiled, it might have been stuck to the bottom of Janet’s white sandal… so after the photograph Mom came rushing in warning the girls to stay out of her bathroom or else!?…
L.A. T.V. update: Patricia Heaton will be on with Rachel Ray the day after Christmas… purge! purge! purge!
51 paper-hat // Dec 25, 2007 at 1:28 pm
Santa, Santa, everywhere, a real Beasty! Merry Christmas Everyone!
52 JohnnyBoy // Dec 25, 2007 at 9:06 pm
Yikes, that’s like the Hitler -Stalin Variety Hour !
53 pal Jacky // Dec 25, 2007 at 9:47 pm
I got a ‘bible code’ program for christmas!! No, I don’t believe in this shit. so I’m gonna prove ‘em all wrong. Once I get it up and ruinning, the fist thing I’m gonna’ submit is ‘larry the cable guy’ . After getting enough random crap,. I’m gonna write a book.
54 pal Jacky // Dec 25, 2007 at 10:01 pm
geez, I got to submit the words in hebrew. does anyone know how to translate ‘larry the cable guy’, ‘kelly ripa’, and ’suzanne sommers buttmaster’ into hebrew? If those pan out I’ll learn the GD language.
55 Shannon // Dec 26, 2007 at 10:53 pm
Jandu,
Because the whole cool thing about flirting with a strange guy on the internet is to get the exciting stuff you don’t get from your husband:
“It’s been a long and lonely Christmas season. I’ve had an on-again, off-again relationship with a box of wine for a while now. We could totally get together, lie to each other about our finances…..there might be some tears, then an awkward …..thing with a condom. ”
Just add that you snore loudly and light a match after you fart and I would swear my husband has learned how to use a computer.
56 JohnnyBoy // Dec 27, 2007 at 6:49 am
I suppose he could make baloono animals out of the condoms…
57 pal Jacky // Dec 27, 2007 at 7:32 pm
shannon, you didn’t take my advise about locking yourself in a room with the beethoven late quartets now, did you? I had the minor funk over the holidays and then pulled out the complete songs of Modest Mussorgsky and I’m fine. Okay, I had to listen to the ’song and dances about death’ more than once but who doesn’t when death is portrayed so beautifully. I babysat my nephew today, and I’m about ready to put in Janet Baker’s recording of Mahler’s ‘kindertotenlieder’(songs on the deaths of children). I know it’ll just perk me right up.
58 JohnnyBoy // Dec 27, 2007 at 10:54 pm
G-D language….hehe
just got the joke this morning in the shower
good one
59 Shannon // Dec 28, 2007 at 10:31 pm
Boy have I been doing it wrong. When I am in a funk I listen to Billy Ray Cyrus singing “Achey Breakey Heart”
Followed by a lot of Monkees songs.
60 Shannon // Dec 28, 2007 at 10:37 pm
If you were all my friends you would log onto my newspaper website and visit my new pages and leave comments that say nice things about the articles in your own words.
61 Shannon // Dec 28, 2007 at 10:41 pm
Speaking of condoms. My 20 year-old daughter and her husband came home from Japan for Thanksgiving (the turkey was moist, thank you for asking) and she brough a whole bunch of cheap Japanese trinkets including condoms. They are packaged like little kids cartoon candies.
So naturally I had to take them to work.
But my daughter said they were really small.
Instantly in my head I thanked God that my daughter has such a good husband.
62 Shannon // Dec 28, 2007 at 10:44 pm
And if you want to know why the middle East is so f**ked up watch “Iranian Kidney Bargain Sale” on the DOC channel. Holy Shit.
Please, end the writers strike, in the name of God I beg you. Just give them what they are asking for you greedy hollywood bastards.
63 JohnnyBoy // Dec 28, 2007 at 10:57 pm
What is the address of your newspaper website?
I would do that.
64 Shannon // Dec 28, 2007 at 11:31 pm
Wow, thanks. How can I do that so no stupids decide to mess with me and write bad comments?
How do we connect with other people without posting publicly?
65 JohnnyBoy // Dec 28, 2007 at 11:58 pm
Good question
wtf, my email is jny6@hotmail.com
66 pal Jacky // Dec 30, 2007 at 8:56 pm
That’s right shannon isn’t in our secret society. Somehow, bringing about the assissination of dr. Phil and getting drag queens to take the fall didn’t seem like something we wanted her to get too involved with. ‘Achy, breaky’ is the worst thing to listen to in a funk. There is no more hopelessness than lies in the truly medicocre. Take ‘trepek’ from Mussorgsky’s ’songs and dances of death’ about a drunk trying to dance in in the snow and ending up falling over and dying. Obviously, if he was dancing the achy breaky as opposed to a traditional russian trepek, death would be a step up, and the tragedy undercut. existentialism says feeling sadness is better than not feeling anything at all. That’s pretty fucking life affirming.
67 jandu // Dec 31, 2007 at 12:50 am
S,
I too had a very moist turkey….but I’m paying her alimony every month…HA HA HA! I’m not visiting Vienna for the Holidays with a man I love, but I am drinking heavily, watching OZ re-runs at night and crying a lot. I have one wish in this life….well 2. The first is that Bea Arthur be made a saint. She is the most handsome, debonaire man I’ve ever laid eyes on. And 2? That my daughter marries a man with a small dick. Please Jesus……hear my cry?
68 Shannon // Dec 31, 2007 at 1:40 am
No, I think I am misunderstood. It was that my daughter knew the condoms were small. If they had fit her husband then she probably wouldn’t think they were small would she? Now I am getting into an area I am not comfortable with, that being my son-in-law’s pants.
So sorry it’s been a bad year j.
I didn’t go anywhere for the holidays for the last 10 years. Or on a real “vacation” since 1995. Even then it was camping and it doesn’t count as a vacation if you have to cook and pack up the house every few days.
Three people in a four-man tent still is too many.
69 pal Jacky // Dec 31, 2007 at 3:12 pm
Shannon, race to amazon.com. EMI have a midpriced disc of Boris Christoff singing the great mussorgsky songs. This is classic stuff. Nobody sings Russia’s biggest drunk composer like a drunk russian. besides ‘SADOD’ you’ve got the ‘without sunlight’cycle, ‘the song of the flea’ and lots of mopey others. Just one listen and You’ll wish you drank yourself to death on your 42nd birthday just like mussorgsky did. It is that heartwarming.
70 Stretch // Dec 31, 2007 at 4:25 pm
Well this link is for you Shannon – combining two of your favorite things:
MONKEE’S MUSIC AND PREGNANT SEA MONKEY’S
ENJOY!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUkUt7wNpKY
71 pal Jacky // Dec 31, 2007 at 4:51 pm
here’s a fun tidbit. The reason the psych ward is always on the top floor of the hosipital is actually quite simple. That way all the real people get off on lower floors and only those who need to go to the ward see the ward. This obviously doesn’t count in places like St. Johns in Santa monica where the have an entire building devoted to loons.
72 pal Jacky // Dec 31, 2007 at 4:54 pm
This makes life much easier for, I know no matter who I’m visiting for most hosptials , I just hit the highest button and I’m there.
73 JohnnyBoy // Dec 31, 2007 at 9:17 pm
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out that The Archies didn’t play their own instruments
74 Shannon // Jan 2, 2008 at 12:55 am
Boy was I disappointed when I found out I was never going to be a Betty or a Veronica and had much more in common with Jughead.
75 Shannon // Jan 2, 2008 at 1:33 am
My myspace page just sent me a message from April’s myspace page a reminder that Jan. 4 is her birthday. Might I suggest an onslaught of posted comments to honor the event?
She won’t know since her skinny euro-trash self is off in Europe.
76 JohnnyBoy // Jan 2, 2008 at 9:13 am
Sure, count me in !
77 pal Jacky // Jan 2, 2008 at 11:01 am
In the words of the greatest television character ever, al Bundy, Veronica from archie comics was the perfect woman because she never had periods. Steve reminded him that she had an ‘attitude problem’ and al then quipped ‘there are no good ones’. Al also said ‘women, you can’t live with them… the end’.
78 JohnnyBoy // Jan 2, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Scooter? I’ll tell you what I think of that English import, he’s a CENSORED !
79 pal Jacky // Jan 2, 2008 at 8:07 pm
folks, don’t waste your money on a Tomtom. I got one and it does NOT play the opening motif from ketelby’s ‘in a persian garden’ while it tells you where to go.
80 pal Jacky // Jan 2, 2008 at 8:10 pm
what is more frightening than recognizing that melodic fragment, is that not only do I have a recording of that work, I’ve got a whole damn CD of Ketelby’s music.
81 JohnnyBoy // Jan 3, 2008 at 8:41 am
pal Jacky, you are indeed a valuable resource !
82 pal Jacky // Jan 3, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Tila tequila is at it again!! How damamged does one have to be to be a contestent on ’shot of love 2′? Brilliant television. I hope the Cardasion sisters are picked up again. How much of their wealth is blood money from O.J.? The writers strike is tremendous for television. I might even watch the golden globes again, now that I know no one is going to be yapping Bruce Vallanch’s tired jokes.
83 pal Jacky // Jan 3, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I forgot my weekly ‘kenny vs. Spenny’ update. The boys decide to wear blindfolds. But Kenny doesn’t even put his on. He replaces spenny’s toothpaste with a tube of anchovey paste and that was really the only highlight. I liked the boner episode better.
84 JohnnyBoy // Jan 4, 2008 at 8:31 am
(singing)
Happy Birthday to April
Enen though she’s born in January
Which is bound to cause confusion
Happy Birthday to April !
YAY !
85 pal Jacky // Jan 4, 2008 at 10:54 am
Is april 48 or 47? I’m turning 48 in July and I want to know if she’s a geezer or a youngin’
86 clevelandphil // Jan 4, 2008 at 11:11 am
Happy birthday April!!!!!!!
I thought April was born in 62, but then she changed it for myspace. She looks 28.
87 haineux // Jan 4, 2008 at 12:38 pm
April will be SO MAD at Britney.
88 JohnnyBoy // Jan 4, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I’m already 48 so I’m not telling.
89 jim // Jan 4, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Happy birthday – & here’s to many more.
You’re not getting older – you’re getting bitter.
90 99 Cent // Jan 4, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Happy Birthday April!
Look at you with your ‘Born Today’ featured on IMDb.
91 pal Jacky // Jan 4, 2008 at 9:03 pm
i hope ’08’s gonna be the year of the psych ward. Kind of like ‘07 was the year of rehab. My problem with rehab is I can’t participate. Let me explain. I did rehab in ‘90 and I’m one of the 2% that it actually seemed to work on the first time. Dammit. With a psych ward, I could just walk into Del Amo fashion center and decide to show everyone that I have a tattoo that matches my duck print boxer shorts and they just have to cart me off a short distance to del amo hospital. Mr. Thorazine here I come.
92 Bitsey // Jan 4, 2008 at 9:49 pm
I just came here to say two things. 1. I just saw your ad on KCAL. It’s cute but they ought to let you write your own dialogue. But hooray, nonetheless. 2. Happy Birthday!
93 coasterboy // Jan 4, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Happy Birthday April!!!!!
I heard your spot – I believe – On Mr. K’s show!
Only Mr. K wasn’t there…
We miss you on Mr. K’s Show! Please come back and let us hang on every word!
94 Shannon // Jan 4, 2008 at 11:15 pm
Happy Birthday April!!!!!
Thanks for all your hard work on this site that makes me laugh and think.
I hope you are having a great time and can’t wait for you to come home.
95 pal Jacky // Jan 5, 2008 at 1:51 am
i’ve figured out the new burger king campaign. low brow, boorish people eat at burger king. and they get really nasty if you try to feed them something better.
96 JohnnyBoy // Jan 5, 2008 at 10:11 am
Yeah, they had moms hiring a hitman to whack the King, and now they’ve got some sort of “freakin’ whopper” thing going
What’s next, “Buy this fucking burger !” ?
actually, that might work
97 Shannon // Jan 5, 2008 at 11:03 am
My favorite burger commercial has always been Carl’s Jr. with people eating like pigs. The downfall of civilization.
98 jandu // Jan 5, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Oh my God…..those burger chewers. You are too young to remember the commercials for the Fajita Pita from…whatever rat-boiling joint that made them. It was loud, saliva shloshing minorities chewing with their mouths open.
Sounds like Thanksgiving at Mom’s
99 JohnnyBoy // Jan 5, 2008 at 9:01 pm
We don’t have Carl’s Jr, or Sonic for that matter……there’s not even an Arby’s in either Nassau or Suffolk County, and the two counties combined have more people than 20 of the states. Weird
100 supertec // Jan 5, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Hi April I hope the trip is going well
Alittle of topic. I was watching TV and saw the Big Bear Sking comercial on channel 9
Way too go
101 pal Jacky // Jan 6, 2008 at 6:03 pm
the worst of the 6 dollar burgers at carls. For five bucks you can get a burger that is slightly bigger than their four dollar burger. But for six bucks at a real charbroiled stand(our’s is called steve’s) you can get a burger twice as big and actually edible. Of course you might have to wait 10 minutes or so., but my god it really is worth it. it’s amazing what people eat these days.
102 JohnnyBoy // Jan 6, 2008 at 8:31 pm
I have no problem getting amazing burgers in NYC, but I am compulsive about fast food
103 JohnnyBoy // Jan 6, 2008 at 8:33 pm
I’m hot blooded, check it for fun…I got message number hundred and one
104 pal Jacky // Jan 6, 2008 at 8:35 pm
here’s the deal. Find where the DWP workers and plumbers eat. That is where to get the best burgers. Kind of like, stake out all the donut shops at about 4 in the afternoon. If there are a lot of geezers sitting around. That is the one you want to hit up first thing in the morning.
105 gary // Jan 6, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Steve’s on 182nd and Prairie is pretty fucking sweet.
106 Shannon // Jan 7, 2008 at 12:00 am
104 is mine and the best burger I ever had was in a bar in Victor Colorado. The bartender had a grill back there and he would slap a fresh patty on the grill, slather mayonaise on the bun and grill it. Then he would take saute’d oninos and add mustard put the whole thing together with a hearty shake of black pepper.
You had no choice, he made them how he liked them.
107 Shannon // Jan 7, 2008 at 12:05 am
The best donut was from the Jonesville Bakery in Jonesville Michigan. Anything they made from my childhood was fantastic. I was back there in 2002 and picked up a dozen. Just as good even though the bakery had sold in the 80’s. My favorite was the triangles. A triangle of fried yeast donut filled with a homemade white icing but lighter. Oh, and frosted with white icing.
108 Shannon // Jan 7, 2008 at 12:06 am
Best soup? Beyerly’s Wild Rice in Minnesota
109 pal Jacky // Jan 7, 2008 at 3:38 am
‘kenny vs. spenny’ decide to see who can stand up the longest. This means Kenny decides that adult diapers are the ticket, i’m not sure why. Kenny wins again by trickery and has spenny has to bite kenny’s toenails off. Between diapers and man on foot action, they seem to be going after the weirdo and pervert demographic. My concept of “anal rape of the network stars’ sounds better and better doesn’t it.
110 Stretch // Jan 7, 2008 at 1:00 pm
GREAT!! April comes home to find out MR. K has been FIRED. Talk raido doesn’t have to be all about spouting politics and yelling. It can be entertaining like April and what Mr. K’s show had evolved into. I want the only change in my life to be in my pocket.
I will now go into the corner and assume a fetal position
111 pal Jacky // Jan 7, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I can’t believe no one else has wanted to hear andy rooney say something like this. ” during the Korean War thethings that went on between the three or four of us sailors who never left the boat during shore leave were never talked about. Now it is everywhere. Even the news department at CBS it is all over the place. Katie Curick with her strap on and Mike Wallace with his ball gag. It just sort of cheapens what rusty and I had back on the ship. Rusty gave me my first hemorroid. Rusty never came back from korea.
112 JohnnyBoy // Jan 7, 2008 at 4:29 pm
A man gets a haircut and after it’s over, the barber goes into a corner of the barbershop and takes a leak.
The customer says “What are you doing?” and the barber says “My lease is up at the end of this week, what do I care?”
So the customer pulls his pants down and takes a shit in the middle of the floor.
The barber says “What are you doing?” and the customer says “I’m leaving NOW”
113 Stretch // Jan 7, 2008 at 4:31 pm
ahhhh -um…..EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
114 JohnnyBoy // Jan 7, 2008 at 5:02 pm
sorry, I thought you said FECAL position !
115 pal Jacky // Jan 7, 2008 at 9:29 pm
okay, I have been beating around the bush too longer. It is now time for ‘norman the pussucker’.
Norman was a pussucker. It was a family trade handed down from generation to generation. He was very good at what he did. It was said he treat all the fifteen year olds in his town on the same day of their Junior Prom and still be up for chaperoning it. He was a real people person and could calm even the most nervious of clients.
One day he got a call from old lady Helga who lived near the forest. She said she had a pimple or two and wanted to look her best for her first blind date in twenty years. Norman got there and he realized that this 250 pounder needed a lot of work. He just wiped his hands across her face and dozens of pimples popped and flowed. He licked his fingers and started to get down to business. After about an hour he was done. She said. I’ve got one up my nostrel. He flared the right side of her nose open and there it was. This was a toughy. He had to chew a little but it finally burst. She then mentioned she had a slight case of gingavitus and asked if mined dental work. The gums took a while but they relatively easy compared to the boil on the roof of her mouth. Finally, he was able to get it. He was getting rather full at the time. But she told him she would p[ay extra for body work. Being a tight month norman dove right in.
A few hours later, he was sure he was done. The ones between her thighs had been rather tricky. She then said she had one more he hadn’t seen. She spread her ass cheeks and lo and behold there was a giant carbunkle. It was kind of in the same place a dog has its anal glands. Not afraid of the challange, Norman dove right in. He had to bite the thing rather hard to get it stated. Pus flowed freely for three swallows and then norman realized his was dealing with a cyst like core the size of a cumquat. He nibbled down and finally, he was about to take the last bite of the thing when Helga let out a giant fart. It wasn’t just a regular fart it was a wet fart. Lots of mucous with brown streaks went down norman’s face . Norman looked up and said to Helga “Lady, please don’t make my job disgusting”.
116 Stretch // Jan 8, 2008 at 9:17 am
Poo Poo platter anyone?
117 JohnnyBoy // Jan 8, 2008 at 10:25 am
Titicaca !
118 Stretch // Jan 8, 2008 at 3:02 pm
April’s BACK!!! (new photos posted 01/08) and I like what she’s done with her hair !!
119 pal Jacky // Jan 8, 2008 at 3:05 pm
here’s some punchlines.
“to which Johnny Fuckerfaster said’but mom, you always told me to let the woman climax first’.”
“to which the busdriver said’ There’s a seven eleven up ahead where we can stop and get you more aspiren’.”
“and the farmer continued ‘the third hole is an automatic milking machine, that needs be switched on for it to start’
now I’m just getting silly.
120 clevelandphil // Jan 8, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Mr K show has been cancelled!!!!!!!!
KTLK has cancelled Marc Germain!!!!!
Read about it on marcgermain.com
121 JohnnyBoy // Jan 8, 2008 at 5:34 pm
I always thought the second punchline was “Maybe you left them back at the drugstore”
probably cause there were’t 7-Elevens back then, and then there were and they were actually open from 7 am to 11pm and that was unprecedented
Until they realized that stoners needed munchies 24/7/365
122 gary // Jan 9, 2008 at 12:07 am
“Until they realized that stoners needed munchies 24/7/365″
Yes. Yes, they do.
And by they I mean me.
123 pal Jacky // Jan 9, 2008 at 2:54 am
ON further recollection, It might have been a ‘circle K’. nonetheless, regional differences occur in all sorts of jokes. For instance this one is popular in Poland: How many americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One.
124 Stretch // Jan 9, 2008 at 12:18 pm
***POSTING FOR A FRIEND***
LETS GET CHARO ON “DANCING WITH THE STARS”
Please send ABC an email thru http://www.Charo.info
Let them know you want to see Charo on Dancing with the Stars…
Should be fun
thanks
David
—- “Stretch wrote:
Here is Charo’s segment on “The Insider” saying she’d love to be on Dancing with the Stars
>
> http://www.theinsideronline.com/news/2008/01/14989/
NICE!! – I’d like to see her waltzing on Dancing with the Stars!!!
125 pal Jacky // Jan 9, 2008 at 3:25 pm
I’m still trying to get anal rape on television. If it was charo getting anally violated, I’d be all for it. I’m stating to work on advertizers. Who wouldn’t want to see altell’s chad get dicked by those four dorks. And how ’bout that smiling bob. He’ll be happy if he didn’t sell so many pills after he’s gang banged by his suburban friends.
126 JohnnyBoy // Jan 9, 2008 at 7:27 pm
I think it’d have to be a game show, like
The Price Is Anal Rape, or
Wheel of Anal Rape, or
Deal or Anal Rape, or
Are You Smarter Than A Fifth-Grader?
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