It started on the way to a Superbowl party.
We were driving along, talking about donuts, which is not unusual for us.
Specifically, we were talking about the burger that the Gateway Grizzlies were selling at their games, and how magical it all seemed. Bacon, cheese and charbroiled beef, lovingly piled on a Krispy Kreme donut.
I don’t know how long we talked about it before it finally sunk in. If donuts can be used as hamburger buns, then they’re basically bread. And if donuts are bread . . . shouldn’t someone be making French toast with them?
That’s what I thought.
So on Valentine’s Day, I announced that we would be making Donut French Toast, simultaneously expanding our horizons and constricting our arteries.
Of course, we had no idea if this would work. We tried to imagine which varieties would behave the most like bread under French Toast conditions, but the whole thing was a crap shoot. So to insure breakfast success, John came home from the supermarket with an assortment, and we would try them all.
Well, we’d try the ones we didn’t eat first.
As you can see, there are already some missing from the package, even before I got the eggs out. But in my defense, you really have to keep your energy up when you’re working this hard, and donuts and coffee are nature’s crank.
With my blood pressure pleasantly elevated , I moved on to crafting the egg mixture. We were already making pancakes (well, you have to have a back up), so I thought it might be a good idea to add a little batter to the eggs, just to make sure we had a good, thick coating.
John wasn’t sold on the wisdom of this idea, but I feel very strongly that pancake batter is the grout of good cooking. Almost everything benefits from being doused in Bisquick, and I think you know I’m right.
Cutting the donuts in half was harder than it would seem. The glazed ones held up all right, by the smaller, cake donuts crumbled pretty easily, resulting in several that had to be eaten immediately.
A shame, really.
Now it was time to soak the donut halves in eggs. This took longer than I imagined, since the sugar glaze had a sort of Scotchguard effect, making the donuts moisture resistant. In fact, I heard somewhere that Rachael Ray rubs glazed donuts on face to keep her make-up from running under the hot lights.
True story.
I fired up my beloved little grill, and waited for it to get as hot as possible. Then I dumped a teaspoon of fresh, European style butter onto the griddle for each donut half, and watched in awe as it bubbled up through the holes. The smell was incredible.
Now came the moment of truth. Would they brown? Would they cook at all? Or would it all just be a gummy mess on the other side?
Damn.
Or more accurately, “Day-um”, as the kids say on their MySpace.
Yes, they cooked all right. They got brown and crispy and I got very aroused.
I took them off the griddle and put them on a wire rack to stay warm in the oven. We stood and looked at them lovingly, much like a young couple gazes at their first child. Except these offspring will never disappoint you, and you don’t have to put them through college.
When the bacon and eggs and sausage were ready, we stacked the French Toast Donuts like pancakes and poured maple syrup on them. We even put a little whipped cream on top, just to keep it healthy.
We tried to come up with names for our new creation. I liked “Heart Attackies” or “Plaquers”, or even, “Acute Anginers”, but John thought that was focusing on the negative, and you know, that is just not my way.
In the end, they were too sweet, too buttery, too greasy, too fattening, and too much of everything to make it a rational exercise. We didn’t feel well afterward, and it took days for our bodies to process it all.
So we’ll be making them again. But with fritters.
55 responses so far ↓
1 Speedy Cerviche // Feb 19, 2008 at 6:55 pm
First!
Disgusted!
2 Speedy Cerviche // Feb 19, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Also, may I ask what happened to that low-carb lifestyle you were so proud of?
Lord Atkins, upon His heavenly throne, must be frowning down at you .
3 April // Feb 19, 2008 at 7:05 pm
I went back on my program afterward. Everything in moderation, including moderation.
4 theFatTubist // Feb 19, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Oh, that was absolutely divine…
Maybe you should think of making refried donuts… like donuts that are battered then fried. Again.
That sounds promising…
5 phoebefigalilly // Feb 19, 2008 at 8:20 pm
OK sure I am looking for guidance in the wrong arena but nearing 40 years old and soon a 40″ waist I am currently looking for a healthier diet and then I find this and of course I need to make it tomorrow. Thanks for all of your help.
6 April // Feb 19, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Don’t do it!
Go to 7-11. They have donuts and they’re open now.
7 eBayEnigma // Feb 19, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Donuts are my downfall. But to make French Toast out of them is pure GENIUS!! Everything is better when it’s been fried more than once!
8 michael // Feb 19, 2008 at 8:48 pm
April, my partner and I have another idea that you’ll “die” over. Try pancake batter dipping the donuts next time and then deep frying them. The inner donut goodness will remain all donuty while the batter coating will be crispy. Mmmmmm!
9 pal Jacky // Feb 19, 2008 at 9:12 pm
refried donuts, is there anything better? I just purchased my fourth 1-1/2 lb tub of cheesecake filling and I’m doing quite fine. I thought I was the same 32” waist I was in college until I found out that Calvin klein underpants run about two inches too big to build ’self esteem’.
10 Mavis // Feb 19, 2008 at 9:14 pm
What? No chicken friend bacon? A heart attack on a plate isn’t complete without them.
11 coasterboy // Feb 19, 2008 at 10:30 pm
I ate several times at a Breakfast house in Northern Illinois that served Zuccini bread and Banana Nut Bread made into french toast. It was unbelievable. 2 hours waits each weekend. You-a-liscious!
12 gary // Feb 19, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Oh man,
You know, the little woman and I like to smoke a little weed now and then , followed by some pretty creative junk food grazing.
But you two …….wow.
Good thing you guys don’t smoke weed.
Or have you started?
Please advise
13 Speedy Cerviche // Feb 19, 2008 at 11:43 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UVDomqhx2A
Relevant to your interests, I believe.
14 JohnnyBoy // Feb 20, 2008 at 1:15 am
mmmmm….they’re heavy with goodness
15 JohnnyBoy // Feb 20, 2008 at 1:18 am
and when did it become just “carbs”?
What happened to the “O’hydrate” part ?
Did they not want people to think it was Irish?
16 bnaivar // Feb 20, 2008 at 4:58 am
In the words of Wilford Brimley, “Diabeetus”.
17 nix // Feb 20, 2008 at 5:30 am
::snort:: Diabeetus!
This post gave me that funny little feeling. Pretty soon I’ll start growing hair in funny places.
10 points for sneaking in the RAERAE crack. I’m still glad someone hates her as much as I do.
18 Knavish Rogue // Feb 20, 2008 at 6:54 am
http://www.menshealth.com/20worst/worstbreakfast.html
The 20 Worst Foods in America
10. Worst Breakfast
Bob Evans Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes
1,540 calories
77 g fat
(9 g trans fat)
198 g carbs
(109 g sugar)
Five Egg McMuffins yield the same caloric cost as these sugar-stuffed flapjacks.
19 JohnnyBoy // Feb 20, 2008 at 7:07 am
Yeah, I just heard Brimley say that ! So, is it supposed to rhyme with Wheaties?
20 paper-hat // Feb 20, 2008 at 10:33 am
Fur the luv of gawd!… Im all ovr yur websyte readn yr pRon!
21 Stretch // Feb 20, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Life is always an adventure at the Finchell’s
22 JohnnyBoy // Feb 20, 2008 at 2:31 pm
The Finchells ?
I thought the name of the show was ” Winchell and Foley Time”
23 Syr Paine // Feb 20, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Awesome…just freakin’ awesome…
Martooni anyone?
24 jim // Feb 20, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Whoa.
Boldly frying where noone has fried before.
That’s overkill – & may I say, damn GOOD overkill.
How about batter-(re)fried burgers?
Makes every bit as much sense as donuts-as-buns.
Hmm.
Battered bacon might create morphing issues.
It never stays flat enough.
If you could only give bacon a perm …
25 JohnnyBoy // Feb 20, 2008 at 10:26 pm
The bacon that’s more like jerky that McDonalds uses is pretty dam flat, but that’d never do
Cracker Barrel bacon, that’s another story….mmmmmm
26 inerror // Feb 21, 2008 at 12:39 am
What a tragic waste of dognuts already dripping with the best dipping of all – 100 % diabetees inducing – fattening – tooth rotting – sucrose. You just can’t improve of that gift from the god(s).
27 gary // Feb 21, 2008 at 12:51 am
Oh, and nice plating, by the way.
Very nice presentation.
The Chairman is very pleased
28 Prof. Oddfellow // Feb 21, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Gorgeous presentation, April, and a hilarious read!
29 DavidinBerkeley // Feb 21, 2008 at 1:39 pm
“French Toast-nuts”
“Refried Donuts”
These are thoughts that I tried to push out of my mind hoping that no one else would think of them and so they would never come to exist. Now they are on the Internet.
Isn’t this all somewhere in Revelations?
30 Stretch // Feb 21, 2008 at 1:55 pm
“inerror // Feb 21, 2008 at 12:39 am
What a tragic waste of dognuts”
{Sully runs away in HORROR}
Are they anything like Rocky Mountain oysters?
31 pal Jacky // Feb 21, 2008 at 2:54 pm
okay old thred, but I think it is time to add frank caliendo on the list of severly bad comics. I used to like him when he was on mad TV and he did his obnoxious impersonations . his robin williams is even more repulive than the real thing. However, after viewing a few minutes of his show I discovered, he is obnoxious and he does impersonations. Furthermore, he’s everywhere you look these days. A plague in true sense of the term. Also, the two best impersonations from mad TV are still debra wilson’s oprah, because it was so right on it was scary and will sasso’s kenny rodgers because it was what we wanted kenny rodgers to really be like.
32 jasonthegreat // Feb 21, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Be sure and use Grade B maple syrup. It’s a less refined syrup, which helps to add a little nutritional value to this dastardly idea.
33 JohnnyBoy // Feb 21, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Yes, Frank Caliendo’s ubiquitousness is making my wife and I crazy, causing us to scream “obnoxious fuck” and “asswipe” when he’s appeared for what seems like the millionth time
34 pal Jacky // Feb 21, 2008 at 7:01 pm
I have to reieterate, I thought he was funny on MadTV. and I think for most of its lifetime, madTV has been funnier than SNL. Last year Ike barenholtz did a now famous impression of Dane cook on the same night that dane cook was hosting SNL. I wish I had two TV sets goin’ at once. It was like cook was doing his impression of barenholtz’s impression.
35 pal Jacky // Feb 21, 2008 at 10:08 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-sfZ9RNGnk
check 40 seconds in. Now did the minor league baseball team see this or are they just progressive thinkers?
36 Stretch // Feb 22, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Does it bother anyone that Charlie Sheen crosses his legs when he sits on Two and 1/2 Men – or is it actually sexy in a “I’ll have sex with practically anything and I am completely comfortable with my sexuallity ” way….
37 lupeSan // Feb 22, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Wow, impressive… But “too sweet, too buttery, too greasy, and too fattening?” Who would have thought?
By the way, they would line up for this at the L.A. County Fair. They already sell batter-dipped deep fried Snicker bars (I tried one — yep, pretty gross).
38 pal Jacky // Feb 22, 2008 at 4:11 pm
actually, sheen looks a little too thin these days. I hope it is just hep. C. sunken angie harman cheeks, sort of that ‘i’ve had sex with practically everything and I am completely comfortable with my sexuality and all the maladies I’ve incured from doing that.’
39 pal Jacky // Feb 23, 2008 at 12:58 pm
http://www.eonline.com/news/article/index.jsp?uuid=a1697977-dada-4754-97c7-b106dc5945de&entry=index
Pauly shore vs. wes craven. ejuaculatting aside, is there any doubt paulie shore is the one that is fucked up here? Here’s how not famous he is. a few weeks ago in time(or newsweek) they did an article about the stand up comic strke of the late seventies against the ‘comedy club’. The owner, mitzy shore, was described as Sammy shore’s ex wife. no mention that the two are pauly’s parents.
40 JohnnyBoy // Feb 23, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Do you think they didn’t know? Maybe the writer didn’t like him and chose to ignore him
41 Shannon // Feb 24, 2008 at 9:00 am
I have’t commented for a while. However, underpants that build self-esteem was worth a moment or two of contemplation. I can understand on how corrective underwear might help build a man’s self-esteem if padding is used correctly reducing the use of sweat socks but how could there be a female version? Any thoughts?
Also–Johnny Boy, “Yes, Frank Caliendo’s ubiquitousness is making my wife and I crazy, causing us to scream “obnoxious fuck” and “asswipe” when he’s appeared for what seems like the millionth time”
Since April and John are not into “making Jack sandwiches” do you and your wife get into alternate life-style venues? You sound like you have a great sense of humor and since hubby and I are lousy in the sack it would be a requirement for us if we were to ever take us swinging. The screaming of “obnoxious fuck” and “asswipe” my husband is already used to when he is performing.
42 JohnnyBoy // Feb 24, 2008 at 12:47 pm
You’re married to a third-rate comedian?
43 paper-hat // Feb 24, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Find the apricot!
44 pal Jacky // Feb 24, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Calvin Klein underpants are just sized smaller than they are so that a 32” in most brands would be a 30” with them. I’ve got an Xbox360 and a Wii and am eyeing getting PS3(for the blu ray player) and yet the game I play the most these days is fifteen years old. wanna playit? download ‘gens’emulator then download this game.(unzip the files etc.) and play the game that has only gotten creepier in time. Save those children.
45 pal Jacky // Feb 24, 2008 at 2:40 pm
what
46 Shannon // Feb 24, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Oh paper-hat you should warn people first. The resolution is too small to actually find the apricot though I tried.
47 paper-hat // Feb 24, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Shannon! The ghost of Carmen Miranda made me do it!
48 John Foley // Feb 24, 2008 at 6:03 pm
“It started on the way to a Superbowl party” is this generation’s “It was a dark and stormy night.”
49 JohnnyBoy // Feb 24, 2008 at 7:08 pm
From the Wikipedia article: “The singer Leslie Fish created a song called “Carmen Miranda’s Ghost is Haunting Space Station Three”, in which a space station is inundated with fresh fruit. A science fiction anthology later had the same title.”
50 JohnnyBoy // Feb 24, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Trying again with Heil Kitty:
http://sp6.fotologs.net/photo/22/44/43/eztrambotiko/1193398613_f.jpg
51 BadGurl_404 // Feb 27, 2008 at 7:30 am
Is it just me or does that look like a heart attack looking for a place to happen?
52 JohnnyBoy // Feb 27, 2008 at 7:48 am
I disagree
lack o fat makes one stupid
53 eBayEnigma // Feb 28, 2008 at 6:09 pm
I told my spouse about April’s website and he insisted that I post a recipe of my own creation that has truly earned the name “Heart Attackies” as I used to eat 2 or three of these a week before I survived my heart attack on Oct. 1st, 2007. The recipe is as follows:
1 package of Hebrew National Knockwurst
1 box of Pepperidge Farm Texas Toast (Garlic Flavor)
Slices of cheese (I prefer Swiss)
Cut Knockwurst in half and grill until heated through. Grill 2 pieces of Texas Toast at the same time. Assemble a la Weinerschintzel’s Polish Sandwich adding the cheese to the sandwich.
If you’re into grease, this is the sandwich for you!
P.S. I now have 4 pieces of stainless steel in my heart and still have 2 arteries that are 50% blocked. Sadly, I don’t eat these anymore.
54 CatGut // Mar 5, 2008 at 9:20 am
re: If donuts can be used as hamburger buns, then they’re basically bread. And if donuts are bread . . .
This statement can go a long way. Years ago i had some leftover donuts from an event. Used them to make bread pudding. Quite good!!
Let your imagination go wild!
55 kendalchen // Mar 5, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Isn’t that almost the Luther Burger from Boondocks episode “the Itis”? The video used to be on youtube and now I cain’t find it, but that’s pretty danged close. It is a Very Fine Episode for anyone to see!