In my trek through the internet, I have gone to some very strange places and seen some very strange things.
I’ve seen men in fur suits masturbating on stuffed animals. I’ve seen high heels stepping on snails. I’ve seen women farting on birthday cakes. I’ve seen guys wearing white socks in two inches of water in the bathtub. I’ve seen a tutorial on how to jack-off with a pair of Keds. And I’ve seen some weird stuff, too.
Whenever I unearth these bizarre behaviors, I always wonder if there are limits to sexual excitement. Is there no fetish or kink weird enough for someone to pop a boner over? Isn’t there a line of some kind, where it just stops being sexy to anyone?
And the answer it seems, is no. Someone out there will wank to anything.
I can offer no more conclusive proof than this, which I found via a link on Live Journal this morning:
Page 1
Page 2
Page 3
Page 4
Page 5
Yes, it’s salmon hentai. Sexually explicit Japanese fish fucking comics.
Not “fish-fucking”, like you’re having sex with fish. “Fish-fucking” like, the fish are fucking. You’re just watching.
Aw yeah. Now that is some hot salmon.
This is the kind of thing that makes me want to put my head down on my desk and take a long nap. Who the fuck would jerk off to fish porn? Seriously? Who the hell closes their eyes and sees this? Bears?
Puzzling as it may be, I’ve formulated two theories on how something like this comes to be.
First, it may that all this immediate, online stimulation is making us jaded. We have to keep lowering the bar to be shocked, or to feel anything at all. Some of you may remember when shitting in someone’s mouth was not something you’d put on a cake.
On the other hand, salmon fucking aficionados may have been around for years; alone, isolated, afraid to come out of their shells. Only on the net have they been able to find each other and flourish.
Either way, it’s the internet’s fault.
PUNS I RESISTED IN THIS POST
Codpiece
Baited Breath
They learn it in schools
Scales of Justice
- Fin -
45 responses so far ↓
1 phoebefigalilly // Jun 8, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Oh no this totally makes me weird now right?
2 John Foley // Jun 8, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Getting this kind of stuff out there has always been kind of an upstream battle.
3 jim // Jun 8, 2008 at 7:51 pm
It’s inane of me to even point this out, buuuuuuuuut -
fish do NOT fuck, they spawn.
Now DOLPHINS, onthe other hand … THEY get jiggy like nobody’s business … with anything … other dolphins, suitably sized fish, boats, divers, driftwood, you name it. Truly the skanks of the ocean.
4 April // Jun 8, 2008 at 7:53 pm
That’s not spawning. That’s some hot lox on lox action.
5 eBayEnigma // Jun 8, 2008 at 7:54 pm
It’s better than floundering around and opening up a whole new can of worms. It’s probably not for real…they just want you to buy it hook, line and sinker. I guess I missed the boat on this one!
6 Stretch // Jun 8, 2008 at 8:13 pm
you can rub it and scrub it
from here to hell…
but you’ll never get rid of that fishy smell…!!
7 Stretch // Jun 8, 2008 at 8:16 pm
so then –
you can hum a tune
and give a Tuna a hummer…?!
when does Auntie Vera say “I SMELL FISH”
8 Scott // Jun 8, 2008 at 8:34 pm
What? No octopus porn?
9 Gina // Jun 8, 2008 at 8:49 pm
You need to cast a wide net to find this kind of shit.
I’m hooked.
10 Speedy Cerviche // Jun 8, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Hmmm.
It’s interesting that they’re not anthropomorphized beyond the fact that they’re talking and hanging out in a house. Interesting too is the fact that there are no humans involved. That’s actually pretty rare.
But… this ain’t all that crazy. Maybe it’s considered crazy by the Victorian standards of Live Journal, but… it just ain’t all that crazy. Really. When we talk of self-published pornographic comics originating from Japan (which are called doujinshi by the elite), that’s a very deep depth of depravity to plumb.
In certain public and private web forums, I’ve been thought of as a man who can find stuff. If it exists in electronic form, and you want it, chances are I could get it. Nowadays I deal almost exclusively in music, but back in the day… Well, I wasn’t so picky about my assignments. I have tracked down some insane doujins. Let me tell you as a voice of experience in this field: there is some truly sickening stuff out there. Stuff that makes fish fucking sound like a nice topic of conversation to bring up at the dinner table.
I have seen true ink-and-paper insanity. I have been exposed to the darkness of the lowest depths of inhuman depravity. I have gazed into the abyss.
April, if you ever get the urge to expose yourself to something truly awful, you have my number. I will, against my better judgment and morality, hook you up.
I don’t expect you to accept my offer. I don’t in any way urge you to accept my offer. But the option is there. And it’s good to have options.
11 April // Jun 8, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Thank you, Colonel Kurtz.
I’ve seen far worse too. Today. In the last 10 minutes, in fact. I wasn’t saying this was the most outrageous porn I’ve seen. I just can’t believe anyone faps to this.
12 Annemarie // Jun 8, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Its a shad world.
13 Speedy Cerviche // Jun 8, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Ah. Good show, good show.
Wait, last 10 minutes?! Good God.
Well… may I gently inquire as to the nature of this outrageousness? I would love to be shocked by the an old pro.
14 Speedy Cerviche // Jun 8, 2008 at 9:31 pm
“the an”
lol
15 Andre // Jun 8, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Nothing new here. Cole Porter was writing this kind of filth years ago:
“Romantic sponges, they say, do it
Oysters down in oyster bay do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love
Cold Cape Cod clams, ‘gainst their wish, do it
Even lazy jellyfish, do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love
Electric eels I might add do it
Though it shocks em I know
Why ask if shad do it – Waiter bring me
“shad roe”
In shallow shoals English soles do it
Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love.”
16 Letty Cruz // Jun 8, 2008 at 11:57 pm
I have a sudden craving for cream cheese and a hot toasted bagel…
17 JohnnyBoy // Jun 9, 2008 at 12:05 am
Hot FILFs minnowing for your pleasure
18 infotainment // Jun 9, 2008 at 12:06 am
I’m horrified — you read LiveJournal?
19 Andre // Jun 9, 2008 at 12:12 am
Has no one here heard of Troy McClure?
“Gay? I wish!”
20 bnaivar // Jun 9, 2008 at 4:51 am
I heard a radio commercial for canned salmon that said “We will not take any salmon from the sea until enough have swum upstream to spawn a new generation”.
Does that mean we’re only eating the ugly, geeky salmon, that can’t get a date?
21 joshpincusiscrying // Jun 9, 2008 at 5:49 am
oh man!
If I wasn’t eating caviar before, I sure as hell ain’t gonna start now!
22 thefifthbeatle // Jun 9, 2008 at 7:22 am
You know JohnnyBoy, FILF could stand for a number of different things…
All of which I’m sure can be found on TEH INTRANETZ.
23 thefifthbeatle // Jun 9, 2008 at 7:24 am
Oh yeah, and, um, fish porn?
WTF.
24 pal Jacky // Jun 9, 2008 at 8:58 am
how can the one be more experienced than the other if salmon die after fucking once? The whole thing doesn’t make a lick of sense, if you ask me. Of course, my fetish is for flounders.
25 JohnnyBoy // Jun 9, 2008 at 10:54 am
Fish Porn Stars:
Creamy Sashimi
Alba Whore
Johnny Cod
Long Dong Silverfish
Ginger Fin
26 thefifthbeatle // Jun 9, 2008 at 11:04 am
I smell fish.
27 Bitsey // Jun 9, 2008 at 12:35 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tentacle_rape
Tentacle rape has apparently been raised to a Japanese art form. I did not know that. It even has a “lighter side.” awyeh.
http://www.sexylosers.com/016.html
But like April said. At least this crap involves depictions of humans. What’s next, sex comics featuring insects? anaerobic bacteria? inanimate objects doing each other?
28 pal Jacky // Jun 9, 2008 at 3:12 pm
it is worse than that actually. I am a fish fetishist. I have been since I was 12 1/2 and saw one flopping to death on the pier. I got an embarrassing erection. Clinical name for this in young males is ‘happy pants’. Now the only way I can get sexually aroused is to get a couple of fresh fish(any type, but my favorite is flounder) and have them act out the opening scene of ‘rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. on my belly, one in each hand. Of course I’ve been to ‘PA’(Perverts anonymous) But it is hard when you are looked down upon by a man who shares his apartment with two dozen mannequins and a women into green hair wigs. I was lumped in with pegggy. Peggy shared every meeting and gave the most disgusting details of her sex life. She would rub the oil from a can of tuna fish onto her clit and have her cat lick it off. “pussy eating pussy’ she would cackle.
My only hope is some brave spokesperson comes out as an ‘afishinado’ and makes the whole practice legit. I’m thinking Discovery channel’s Mike Rowe myself, but he might masterbate with cow shit.
29 Here For The Bun Exhibit // Jun 9, 2008 at 4:47 pm
“I never drink water… fish fuck in it”
W.C. Fields
30 JohnnyQuest // Jun 9, 2008 at 5:30 pm
PUNS I’M NOT RESISTING:
They’re just getting some tail.
Johnny: Do those pornstars work for scale?
Finding the G(ill) spot.
And something about “plowing a roe,” but I think I’ve been beaten to that one by Andre.
Oh, and thank you April – I now cannot let go of the idea of bears’ sexual fantasies. (“OK, now you slowly take the honey out of the pic-a-nic basket. I SAID SLOWLY! That’s it…”)
31 rmsrmsrms // Jun 9, 2008 at 6:59 pm
now about that tutorial on how to jack-off with a pair of Keds . . . . . . . . ???
32 pal Jacky // Jun 9, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Keds are easy. The hardest part is deciding whether you want to jam the right one or left one up your bunghole. It matters more than which one you jack off with/into. Of course, some argue that Bob’s thousand island dressing isn’t water soluble, but as long as you don’t share your keds, you can have unprotected sex with them. Of course, if you like to tie your used condoms into your hair like some rastafaarian princes do-go with hidden valley ranch.
33 Shannon // Jun 9, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Doesn’t anyone find it odd that someone studies Japanese tentacle rape enough to become an expert in the subject and a source for Wikipedia?
I mean when will you ever need that knowledge in Jeopardy?
34 Shannon // Jun 9, 2008 at 10:14 pm
I’ll take Cephalopoda for $2000 Alex…
35 JohnnyBoy // Jun 9, 2008 at 11:09 pm
Do those pornstars work for scale?
Yes, but Shannon’s are members of the Squid Actors Guild
36 Shannon // Jun 9, 2008 at 11:23 pm
Those Japanese broads are pretty scary. Tentacles in the cooch, pooping in the mouth, how’s a red-blooded American girl supposed to compete?
37 JohnnyBoy // Jun 10, 2008 at 5:44 am
By not doing those things
38 Journalista - the news weblog of The Comics Journal » Blog Archive » June 10, 2008: Ol’ Sarge // Jun 10, 2008 at 6:48 am
[...] Salmon hentai? (Above: Hell, you got me. Link via Dale [...]
39 sleepytako // Jun 10, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Without the original Japanese I can’t say this is 100%, but the intention of this comic is most likely not to fap to but for the LOLZ.
I would like to say that the Japanese don’t really have some insane urge to consume as much porn as they can handle of what ever variety, but there are two porn shops right next to my house in a fairly rural neighborhood. Take from that what you will.
40 jim // Jun 10, 2008 at 8:08 pm
W00T!
Congratulations – you’ve yet again made some lovely filler for the blue catch-basin of weirdness that is MetaFilter.com with this one!
http://www.metafilter.com/72408/Sexually-explicit-salmon-hentai-comics
Hey, the OTHER one on MeFi was the shrimp on treadmills mash-up, was it not? Hmm … maybe this website needs a Sushi theme. Either that, or you’re destined for a major role in the sequel to “A Fish Named Wanda” … ?
Oh, & yes indeed, like any other island nation, the Japanese are proudly & radically batshit insane. A taste for truly bent flavours of porno is the LEAST of their, um, quirks. Bless their twisted minds.
41 davidhazard71 // Jun 10, 2008 at 10:05 pm
My goodness lol….I’m going to tell all my fish friends ….Should I wait until spawning season?
42 thefifthbeatle // Jun 11, 2008 at 7:12 am
Oh, & yes indeed, like any other island nation, the Japanese are proudly & radically batshit insane.
Amen. Their GAME SHOWS are even weirder.
43 MangaBlog » Blog Archive » Brief report from the retail front // Jun 12, 2008 at 4:51 am
[...] Pink about The Adventures of Johnny Bunko. (Both found via Journalista.) Also from Journalista: Fish porn. (Probably SFW, unless you work in an [...]
44 chrisbcritter // Jun 14, 2008 at 12:53 am
http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y164/ChrisBrame/fish4a25_3.jpg
ah, that sweet afterglow…
45 Blog@Newsarama » Blog Archive » Bizarre things to look at: Salmon hentai // Jun 16, 2008 at 8:43 am
[...] 16th, 2008Author Chris Mautner No, you read that subject line right, it’s fish porn pure and [...]