… Oh I’m sorry, that completely crossed the line. I hope I didn’t, like, offend you or anything.

Hard and fast rule, kiddo: Never get offended by anything on the internet. Ever. Ever ever ever. Offensive comments on the internet are usually one of three things:

1. Sarcasm/irony/satire (i.e. Jacky’s shit)

2. A hard truth that offends your shitty moral sensibilities (i.e. my shit, kekeke. *polishes fingernails on lapel*)

3. The yawn-inducing opinions of a moron (i.e. every other political blog, racists, homophobes etc.)

Not one of these three things should warrant any kind of emotional response on your part. You definitely shouldn’t be so moved as to take time out of your day to pen an angry rebuttal. It’s not worth it, trust me. You either end up looking like a moron for not “getting” the joke or you end up sounding like you fall into the unsavory “I support free speech… as long as it doesn’t offend me” camp. Jacky has a point, he’s an equal-opportunity offender, and your outrage seems a bit selective. Why not be offended at all the other horrible stuff he’s said? Or more prudently, how about being offended at none of it?

My fabled ancestors, the mythical Lords of the Tubes, had an adage: “The Internet is Serious Business”. This mantra, usually uttered in an ironic fashion, has many shades of meaning. The main meaning, however, is this: absolutely nothing that you see or hear on the internet should be taken seriously, ever. Not one thing. The internet’s a fun place, but it holds no bearing over your everyday life and the real world. Or at least it shouldn’t. All the vitriol, all the tasteless jokes, all the finely-crafted political arguments… they instantly become moot once you exit your browser. No matter how hurtful something seems to be at the time, just remember: “It’s the internet. And the internet is Serious Business.”

“I didn’t know we weren’t allowed to take offense. Nobody gave me the rule book.”

You’re “allowed” to do whatever you want. But not taking offense isn’t a rule. It’s simply a common sense way to maintain one’s sanity while on the internet.

“…I didn’t care for pal-jackoff’s comments about women…”

You shouldn’t care about them. Not one bit. Because life is too short, and the real world beckons.