A couple of years ago, as a joke, I bought mugs with the cast of “The View” on them, and gave them out as Christmas presents. The looks on people’s faces when they unwrapped these hideous things was just priceless.
What didn’t occur to me was that I would now be on the ABC Store mailing list.
How excited do you think that makes me? That’s right: a lot. Because I just got an email alerting me to a fabulous sale going on right now!
Here are some of the beautiful items available for a limited time:
“Take notes on your favorite character”? Does anyone at ABC watch this show? Because there really aren’t any characters on it.
Unless Marie Osmond was just playing a fainting Mormon nut job.
Who has a magical life? Kendall Hart? Isn’t that a character?
Ok, so characters can create fragrances, but real people don’t win dance competitions.
Whatever. You have two weeks to figure it out.
Telling the world you watch One Life to Live by putting a license plate frame on your TRUCK is classy, all right.
But I think you’d probably need to use All My Children douche to qualify as sassy.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that most women who sit home and watch daytime television are probably more interested in these pants for the elastic waistband.
This just makes me McQueasy.
And this is where words fail me.
50 responses so far ↓
1 pal Jacky // Jun 28, 2008 at 5:53 pm
no kelly ripa Dramamine? that would be top on my list.
2 Speedy Cerviche // Jun 28, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Can you imagine the types of life failures that buy this crap? Can you see the dimly-lit lair in which these goods are enjoyed? Can you see the peach-colored walls, turned two shades darker through years of smoke? Can you see the Dollar Store Tiffany knockoff lamps? Can you see the faux-wood grain TV set? Can you see the oil on velvet paintings? Can you see the floral print love seat with a clear plastic cover?
Oh, I bet that perfume smells like failure. Failure and broken dreams. Dreams broken by a pair of babies had at age 17 and a rushed marriage to a guy whose sole ambition in life is to get promoted out of the deep-fry pit to cash register duty.
Spend a few years living in a double wide, with nothing to live for but the daytime soaps and your two little dreamkillers, and see if you don’t start looking for a strong anchor point for the other end of your “Wisteria Lane Spa Neck Wrap”.
3 April // Jun 28, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Holy shit, Speedy.
That is just beautifully written.
4 joshpincusiscrying // Jun 28, 2008 at 6:25 pm
I realized it is someone’s job to write those descriptions, but, for chrissakes!, it’s a notebook with a cardboard cover that says “Dancing with the Stars”, a bottle of cheap, pre-teen quality perfume that says “All My Children” on it, a license plate frame that says “One Life To Live” on it, a pair of pants that says “Just Watch”n the ass, a mug that has the “Grey’s Anatomy” logo on it, and a friggin’ scarf that Teri Hatcher does not own nor ever will own.
These product will not make you more like TV characters. What a pathetic world we have become.
This is why I stopped watching regular, eposodic TV long ago.
5 John Foley // Jun 28, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Yeah, I hate those television eposodes. Only dummies fall for that crap.
6 jim // Jun 28, 2008 at 7:50 pm
… & this is why we need to get cracking on a crash project to produce scratch-&-sniff monitors.
PROTIP: strongly recommend checking the “Dr. McDreamy” mugs for lead before you pour your Maxwell House into them.
7 Speedy Cerviche // Jun 28, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Praise from Caesar is praise indeed.
Wait, that sounds a bit too much like “Longcat is looooooong”.
8 eBayEnigma // Jun 28, 2008 at 10:08 pm
I have a feeling that I’ll be seeing that stuff for sale at the Salvation Army or Big Lots in a couple of years. I’m sure there will be people that will buy it, and at a discount even.
9 pal Jacky // Jun 28, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Yeah ’scrubs’ is moving to ABC for a real final season as a mid-year replacement. Hopefully, I the ABC store will start offering ‘Doctor Cox pinky cheaters’ for when I play doctor.
10 jaxworlds // Jun 29, 2008 at 2:30 am
Wow, besides being last in the ratings (behind the CW and Univision) ABC seems to be tanking in product promotion..how about some suggestions >?<
1) The Bachelor blow up love doll..
2) Boston Legal autographed waterwings endorsed by Bill Shatner
3) Greys Anatomy guide to racial profiling and political correct behavior with a forward by former Surgeon General Elders
4) Lost official GPS device available with Disney voices for a nominal charge.. yep here Minnie guide you home.
11 bnaivar // Jun 29, 2008 at 6:24 am
Where’s the official Wipeout truss?
12 Doug // Jun 29, 2008 at 7:18 am
You went to the wrong ABC store, April. The local ABC store here sells scotch, gin, bourbon, vodka, you name it. Oh, wrong ABC, I guess. Maybe. But then, don’t Hollywood and booze go bottle-in-hand? (grin)
13 joshpincusiscrying // Jun 29, 2008 at 1:36 pm
hey, john foley, was that a shot at my spelling shortcomings?
14 John Foley // Jun 29, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Heehee.
15 pal Jacky // Jun 29, 2008 at 2:37 pm
http://cannonfire.blogspot.com/2006/04/george-w-bush-barbara-bush-and.html
I love conspiracy theories. I don’t mention them often because, I don’t buy into most of them, I just love the blatherings of the easily deluded. However, every once in a while, I go Hmmmm. this one I heard on ‘coast to coast’ last night.
16 DavidinBerkeley // Jun 29, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I just got back from SF Gay Pride. I didn’t get to see Charo as Grand Marshall.
Who was Grand Marshall at the LA Parade?
17 DavidinBerkeley // Jun 29, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Speaking of monogrammed stuff, did Ms. Winchell ever sell out of her “April Winchell Show – People suck” mugs?
18 DavidinBerkeley // Jun 29, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Another Winchell Quiz Question:
What was the one food that AW could feed her dogs to make them fart?
Think “holiday.”
19 JohnnyBoy // Jun 29, 2008 at 3:20 pm
DavidinBerkeley, this is from June8th, so I don’t know if you mean another one:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389×3407334
20 OLDFART // Jun 29, 2008 at 4:52 pm
I am sitting here in my faded double-wide with the knowledge that soon I will be buying all your houses at foreclosure for just the back taxes. This 99 Cent 3 litres for a buck merlot is making me sick and I have to get out of this fold-up cot and vomit on the floor as not to spoil my 100- count thread sheets. Good night and good luck.
21 JohnnyBoy // Jun 29, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I love thread-count ! I always buy sheets that have it .
I’ll say….oooh look…thread-count !
22 OLDFART // Jun 29, 2008 at 7:07 pm
And you wait for someone to make a grammatical mistake. Need I say any more. If you look closely at your post, you made one.
23 OLDFART // Jun 29, 2008 at 7:09 pm
My last post here. What a bunch of fag losers and mentals. Goodbye.
24 April // Jun 29, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Well I’m glad you saved that one for last.
25 pal Jacky // Jun 29, 2008 at 8:00 pm
old fart …stay.. flattery will get you anywhere.
26 Doug // Jun 29, 2008 at 8:04 pm
I love thread count too. I never buy any sheets that have a thread count of less than one.
Yeah, money is no object when it comes to thread count.
27 pal Jacky // Jun 29, 2008 at 8:11 pm
c’mon old fart it is just the merlot talking. Tell us more upon your vomit. I love a good vomit story. I can tell you some of mine. I can’t speak for Johnny boy but he has never corrected anybody on their grammer on this site, but if you want him to, I’m sure he would start. c’mon you fit in. a wetbrain could be considered mental.
28 Glo // Jun 29, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Wait, the ‘All My Children CHARM Spray’ takes two weeks to ship?
Does it really take that long to whip up a fresh batch in the ‘ol bathtub?
I bet it makes a dandy bug spray…bonus!
29 Speedy Cerviche // Jun 29, 2008 at 11:24 pm
“Fag losers and mentals”.
Hey, at least we now have a concise, snappy sound-bite sized line to describe this site’s demographic. I can get behind that. As far as taglines go, it’s almost as good as “We report, you decide.” Dale Pon should snap up Oldfart. Slogan -spinners such as he only come along so often.
Hell, we could even rewrite that one Warren Zevon number and finally get a theme song for the site. “Fag losers and mentals” has legs. I can feel it.
Okay everybody, down to business. Which of the three categories do you fall under? I got a solid hit on #3, and a partial on 2. Unfortunately, the glove don’t fit on the first descriptor. The last time I thought about a penis was only because I had to take a pee. Hell, even then I wasn’t really paying attention.
Buuuuuuut… I can think of at least one person on here who got a three-fer…
30 bnaivar // Jun 30, 2008 at 5:50 am
Hey! Hey! Hey! I’ll have you know I’ve never lost a Fag yet mister!
31 JohnnyBoy // Jun 30, 2008 at 5:55 am
I wasn’t correcting anything….maybe he thought so because I said thread-count instead of count-thread, but i wasn’t doing it to be some sort of grammar-police.
I would rate myself the same as Speedy…solid on #3 and partial on #2 ……though sometimes I do ghey things like stacking hundreds of cans of dog food with the labels facing front and in an attractive pyramid display.
32 IsraeliSchmali // Jun 30, 2008 at 8:03 am
I’m still waiting for Skating With The Stars tampons.
33 JohnnyBoy // Jun 30, 2008 at 8:07 am
Here ya go:
http://www.mum.org/kotskate.htm
34 JohnnyBoy // Jun 30, 2008 at 8:08 am
http://www.mum.org/modja47.htm
35 IsraeliSchmali // Jun 30, 2008 at 8:16 am
Holy crap…they DO exist. Thank you JohnnyBoy.
36 JohnnyBoy // Jun 30, 2008 at 8:45 am
In Hockey too, as the logo of the Detroit RedWings
37 JohnnyBoy // Jun 30, 2008 at 8:47 am
“I’M wearing a Modess !”
Rita Rudner
38 JohnnyBoy // Jun 30, 2008 at 8:48 am
“Dainty as a rosebud”
The Modess Ad
39 pal Jacky // Jun 30, 2008 at 1:39 pm
you creeps all this talk about aunt flo is soo mysogynist(sic..sick?). Where is my midol?
40 ScottP // Jun 30, 2008 at 4:16 pm
“Disney’s High School Musical” Hand Sanitizer
(It’s already at Dollar Tree)
In the Wal-Mart Sporting Goods Dept:
“Hannah Montana” Life Vest
(in case she isn’t wearing much else)
41 JohnnyBoy // Jun 30, 2008 at 5:51 pm
white men would appear in redface and perform menstril shows accompanied by ragtime music
42 pal Jacky // Jun 30, 2008 at 7:33 pm
What doll batteried women have in common?
They don’t listen
I won’t post a holocaust or lynching joke unless it’s really needed for the conversation.
The whole Micheal richards thing a while back wasn’t because of rascist statements they were lynching statements. A subtle but important ditinction that got lost in the fray.
43 cantamar // Jul 1, 2008 at 3:25 pm
All of those “Just Watch” camel toes…the mind reels.
44 pal Jacky // Jul 1, 2008 at 4:19 pm
as far as the witch trials goes, there just isn’t a body of jokes there. Take this transplant.
Q: how do you get 619 Salem residents into a volkswagen?
A: two witch hunters in the front seat, two lord high executioners in the back seat and 615 witches in the ashtray.
Just doesn’t have the same effect.
45 JohnnyBoy // Jul 1, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Yeah, it’s a weak field
I mean, like what can you do…..say stuff like “Sucketh ye the devil’s codpiece” or something?
or
Salem????? I say Burn’em !
not a lot indeed
46 JohnnyBoy // Jul 1, 2008 at 5:29 pm
but….this is a rather talented group here….maybe even someone can come up with a good Yobama joke.
the best I can come up with is…Yo Bama is so pandering….he got Manilow on his iPod
47 John Foley // Jul 1, 2008 at 7:44 pm
I wish there were more fag mental losers up in this piece.
48 JohnnyBoy // Jul 1, 2008 at 7:55 pm
If wishes were fishes, we’d all be like blind lesbians in a fish market
49 Letty Cruz // Jul 1, 2008 at 11:23 pm
They need some One Life to Live mom jeans for that OLTL fan on the go in her OLTL-plated SUV.
& McQueasy is right. Whoever plays that guy looks like he buries boys scouts in the woods on his spare time.
50 Letty Cruz // Jul 1, 2008 at 11:31 pm
… & I need to lay off the 2 buck chuck.
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