Today is my third anniversary.
I love this man more than words can express. We have one of the happiest, healthiest, most loving and supportive relationships I’ve ever had. I am unbelievably happy.
Some of you may be asking, “April, what’s the secret of your happiness? Do you take drugs?”
Well, yes. But that’s not it.
No the secret is in this little book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, two Jewish princesses who have made a cottage industry of cuckolding for diamonds. Follow the rules and you’ll get that ring on your finger, they promise, and really, who wouldn’t want a marriage based on manipulation and dishonesty?
Now I realize this method of pretending to be busy is hard to master. Do you answer on the third ring? Do you run around your apartment so you sound out of breath when you pick up, giving the illusion that you have a life of some sort? Do you follow him in your car so you can run into him and pretend to be in a hurry to go somewhere else? Or do you just bludgeon him with a tire iron when you find him talking to another woman at Subway? It’s all so complicated.
Fortunately, Sherrie and Ellen have broken it down for us by putting the rules to music. And they really put the icing on the whore by rapping the thing themselves!
Yo, yo, yo! Straight outta New Rochelle! MC Fein and Mixmaster Schneider in the hizzy!
I’ll be back in a few days. I expect you to have this memorized by the time I get back.
Unless you don’t really want to fall in love.
30 responses so far ↓
1 PeekaBooRevue // Jul 25, 2008 at 11:13 am
Happy Anniversary hunny! You know, Leather is the traditional gift for this anniversary… just sayin’
2 Stretch99 // Jul 25, 2008 at 11:16 am
Happy Anniversery you guys – YOU DESEVE IT!!
Has it been three years already. It seems like yesterday we were all at What’s My Line watching Rip Taylor throw confetti and the embers of your romance were just beginning to sizzle!!!
3 ira_shlamazel // Jul 25, 2008 at 11:23 am
Congratulations!! It’s really wonderful! It only gets better! Sunday is our 17th anniversary, and it’s still like our first!
Mazal Tov!
4 Scott // Jul 25, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Rules, my ass! My dear wife pursued me relentlessly but not obnoxiously. She knew what she wanted and that was me. In addition to a great ego boost I got 25 years, so far, of (mostly) married bliss.
Congrats on your third.
5 Speedy Cerviche // Jul 25, 2008 at 2:04 pm
What a bunch of liberal claptrap.
6 Dave // Jul 25, 2008 at 3:35 pm
The Kiss
http://www.artchive.com/artchive/k/klimt/kiss.jpg
7 albo // Jul 25, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Which one of the Rules girls got divorced?
The blonde one who looks like a zombie Wookie?
8 DavidinBerkeley // Jul 25, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Winchell Quiz Time:
After what audition did AW go out to her car to cry?
9 bnaivar // Jul 25, 2008 at 5:13 pm
As my wife and I approach our 32nd wedding anniversary I can pas along a bit of advice for a long and happy relationship. It’s a 60/40 partnership. However, you must BOTH give 60% and take 40%.
10 JohnnyBoy // Jul 25, 2008 at 6:13 pm
We’ll have been going out 32 years come Spetember…….good thing we started when we were 16 !
more disturbed by this mp3 than the Menstruate
11 JohnnyBoy // Jul 25, 2008 at 6:14 pm
oh ,and Leather is I believe, the old gift theme…..the modern one is Nerf
12 JohnnyBoy // Jul 25, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Newsflash….violence erupted as male Gay Midgets could not reach a consensus whether to be called Gidgets or Gadgets. On the female side, the term Lesbits was unanimously accepted
13 JohnnyBoy // Jul 25, 2008 at 6:51 pm
winning out over CarpetMunchkins and Lil’ Dykes
14 pal Jacky // Jul 25, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Three years is a long time. In 2002, I inhertited an eight year old dog and I realized that she and I have been together longer than me and my ex-wife were. If I could only get my ex to sleep 20 hours a day, we might still be together.
Someone said recently they thought that April would should be where Kathy griffin is. Well I think she should be where Chelsea handler is. On last night’s show, Charo was playing flamenco guitar and Chelsea’s midge, Chewy, was dancing and screaming ‘ole’. My adolescent love boat fantasies have finally come to a complete fruition. Pompous performance artist Laurie anderson often asks ‘are things getter better or are things getting worse?’
That kind of question just doesn’t come to mind when a midge is gyrating to the high school level flaminco of Charo.
15 Doug // Jul 25, 2008 at 7:39 pm
oh GOD yes…I love me some Chelsea, but April would do a much better job in her role on that show. I dream about that….wow, talk about heaven.
Come on, Comedy Central, give April a show!
16 eBayEnigma // Jul 25, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Congratulations April on your third anniversary! I wish you many many more. My husband and I have been married for 35 years and to me it doesn’t seem that long. Each of us wants to die first so we don’t have to live without the other.
17 rmsrmsrms // Jul 26, 2008 at 12:41 am
Hey, what happened to the post of the Asians girl vomiting on the other Asians girl in order to loose weight???????????
18 Speedy Cerviche // Jul 26, 2008 at 1:14 am
I dunno, rms… That doesn’t sound like something April would put on her site. Maybe you’re mistaken? What with all of those Asian girl vomiting websites out there (many of which use the same Wordpress theme as April), it’s easy to lose your bearing and mistake one site for another.
Speaking of quality cinematic entertainment, I have a question for the company. Have any of you cinema geeks seen “80 Blocks from Tiffany’s”? Did you like it?
I’ve been told it’s a nice representation of 70’s-era Bronx street gangs. This is relevant to my interests.
19 PeekaBooRevue // Jul 26, 2008 at 4:14 am
DavidinBerkeley, I believe it was for the role of Apple. Too much backstory to remember…
20 Syr Paine // Jul 26, 2008 at 4:31 am
Many more happy years for the both of you, April and John!
21 JohnnyBoy // Jul 26, 2008 at 9:13 am
If you want a true idea of 70’s-era Bronx street gangs, watch “The Warriors”
Then think the opposite of everything that is portrayed
22 Letty Cruz // Jul 26, 2008 at 11:32 am
“albo // Jul 25, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Which one of the Rules girls got divorced?
The blonde one who looks like a zombie Wookie?”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I think that’s the one, but not enough coffee in me right now (maybe never) to bother looking it up.
& CONGRATS, April! Keep manipulating and drugging ;D
23 pal Jacky // Jul 26, 2008 at 4:18 pm
they did a video game of ‘the warriors’ like recently(during the PS2 ERA). I’m not joking. Early Walter hill is great, my fave is ’streets of fire’. Not just Ill sit through anything with Diane lane great. I’m talking about one of her first films that got me to the point where I’ll sit through anything with her.’Hollywoodland’ anyone? Sitting through a fat ben affleck and that troll that Polanski discovered to see Diane Lane in old women’s makeup. Yeah a that is fucking devotion. That lane bitch should be writing me fan letters.
24 pal Jacky // Jul 26, 2008 at 4:33 pm
also deleted was muy German lesson. Here’s a great phrase for travelers’
‘verdammte Scheisse! Jetzt ism mir der Praaser geplatzt.
(’aa’ meaning ‘a’ with umlat.)
it means ‘Holy shit-my rubber just broke.’
‘verdammte’ implies ‘god damned’ so Holy shit seems the best. ‘praaser’ is short for ‘prasservativ’ which literally means ‘prophylactic’ and ‘rubber’ is perhaps the most accurate as far usage is concerned.
25 Annemarie // Jul 26, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Happy Anniversary you two crazy kids
26 gary // Jul 26, 2008 at 9:44 pm
So three days, huh?
I’m guessing ComicCon.
Are you gonna be Xena or Princes Leia?
27 gary // Jul 26, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Wait.Oops, it’s over .
Still in shock from Hannah Montana 3D.
Carry on
28 jim // Jul 27, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Mmm … drugs … mmm … huh?
Oh yeah, right – happy 3rd, you wacky kids.
Now, where was I?
Mmm … drugs …
29 DavidinBerkeley // Jul 28, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Sorry, PeekaBoo. It was “The Simpsons.”
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